Archives

Joy

Sep3

It is getting harder and harder to find joy! There is a distinct difference…as I am sure you are aware…between happiness and joy! Happiness is the fleeting feeling that comes with the endorphin rush. You buy a new purse, you get a high mark on a test you studied for, you see a movie that leaves you with a positive feeling afterward. Joy runs deeper. It is in your bones. Joy lasts even when happiness has subsided. Joy is what we search for on a daily basis and often times confuse with happiness. There is reason the character in Disney’s “Inside Out” is named “Joy” and not “Happiness.” It was intentional.

When you search the difference between happiness and joy, the Google AI returns this: Happiness is a positive emotion often tied to external events and circumstances, making it temporary and situational. (Look back at the examples above. They are all fleeting moments) Joy is a deeper, more enduring internal states of contentment and deep satisfaction that is less dependent on outward conditions and can persist even during difficult times.

How do you find joy? Do you actively look for it in your everyday life? Or are you confusing those fleeting moments of happiness as joy? It is difficult to discern the two. It is even more difficult to intentionally find the joy in the everyday mundane aspects of life, but believe me they are there. A leaf falling from a tree as it glides slowly to the ground. A sunset bursting with colors that radiate through the sky. The first laugh of a newborn baby. The smell of that first cup of coffee in the morning. All these are examples of things myself and people dear to me find joy in. These experiences hit in a place that it deep seated, almost visceral. There is not always an endorphin rush or synapse firing in the brain. It is just contentment. A peaceful, internal feeling that can be hard to describe to someone who has not found their joy.

For me, I find the most joy in bringing others joy. I am an empath, sometimes I feel I have too much empathy, if there is such a thing. It hurts me physically to see others people in pain, emotional or otherwise. Even if it has nothing to do with me, or if they are a complete stranger. I have a guttural reaction when I see someone that does not have joy in their life, or are suffering in any way. Everyone deserves joy! I cannot stand seeing fake smiles. You know the ones. Where the cheeks aren’t fully puffed up and the corners of the mouth do not quite reach the eyes. If you do not have crows feet and laugh lines when you get old, you did not have enough joy in your life. #sorrynotsorry

My family and I just relocated to Florida in June (See my last blog post from June 27) and it is a transition!!! I work to find the joy in each day, and help my family do the same. However, each day it gets harder. I feel like I have to push harder to help some of them find their joy, while at the same sacrificing my joy.

I have decided to start a YouTube Podcast and TikTok that focuses on finding joy in the every day moments in life. The small things that are right in front of you that may not always see. My hope is that as I help others find their joy, I will find mine again.

New Floridians

Jun27

My family and I just took a huge leap of faith! Well I guess it was more like a stroll of faith if you consider how long it actually took for it to come to fruition!

In April of 2024 my husband was recommended to apply for a new position by a friend who had just accepted a similar position with the same company. The main requirement was that we needed to relocate to the Orlando Florida area. We discussed the pros and cons for our family of 4, but ultimately made the decision that he would at least apply and we would see what happens. Within 3 weeks of him hearing about the job; he applied, passed the assessment, interviewed, and was offered the position! It was kind of like a whirlwind romance.

He accepted the position and we started the process of preparing to move from Southern NJ, just outside of Philly, where I was born and raised, to Florida. Living in Florida has always been my dream! The beautiful, paradise like climate, the beautiful views and all the things to see and do. No to mention my dream retirement is to work in a shop for Disney or Universal! I was 42 at the time, he was 40, and I truly felt that the universe and God put this opportunity in front of us for a reason. We wanted to have better opportunities for our children and their dreams and interests! My 10yr daughter is interested in the space program and my 6yo son wants to be a farmer.

I am incredibly excited for this new chapter and all of the things we will be able to accomplish and experience!

I say that it was a stroll of faith because we decided to build a home in a new community which took time, and we also chose to allow our children to finish the school year in NJ. So my husband moved down to start his new job in November and I stayed behind with our kids to sell the house, finish the school year and complete the move!

We have been here just about a week now and while we are still unpacking and getting settled, I have high hopes for the days and years to come! If tou want to achieve your dreams you have to fight for them! Take the leap, or stroll, of faith and make it happen!

Fear and Anxiety

Jan14

Got some news today. Not good not bad. Just news. I had a mammogram on Friday. Today is Tuesday. I got a call from the radiologist telling me they need to take a second look at my right breast. There was no alarm in her voice. No urgency to scheduling if the follow up scan. Just matter of fact statement. This is what we need to do and what you need to bring. Simple.

I cried for the next 2 hours as I called my doctor to get a script. To the receptionist as I tried to tell her what kind of script I needed because I couldn’t process what the radiologist tech told me I needed to get. To my nurse cousin as I texted her to calm me down. To my closeted friends as I reached out for comfort and support.

There is no new other than the fact that they need to take another look at the breast. Period. But my fear and anxiety have gone into overdrive. Imagining every single horrendous and terrible scenario it can possibly think up.

Is it cancer? Will I lose my breast? Will I lose them both? Will I die young? Is it nothing? Am I overthinking? Overreacting? What will happen to my kids? The plans we have? Can my husband handle things without me?

But I know nothing right now other than they need to look again! Why do our minds take us to these places? Why does fear and anxiety consume us in this way? It is 6pm and I am in bed, alone, with the kids downstairs with their dad. I am terrified of so many different scenarios playing through mg head right now because fear and anxiety have taken over. Why do we let it consume us? How do move through it?

D.O.N.E.

Jan7

I am done! Completely and totally! I legit cannot handle one more thing! 2020 sucked! I know that everyone is saying, “It brought me more time with my kids!” “We were able to get so much closer as a family unit!” “We need to be thankful for the blessings that we were given!” STOP IT! ok…just Stop It! Trying trying to look like the perfect parent, or the perfect employee, or the perfect whatever! Just stop and admit that 2020 SUCKED! There is so much about it that sucked! People were isolated in their homes, some without any contact to the outside world. Numerous businesses shut down (especially in my home state of NJ,) families were ripped apart at the seams as loved ones succumbed to this f*cking awful virus, there were riots in the streets because society cannot adult and discuss their differences and my anxiety freaking quadrupled.

We have been forced to be apart and separate for nearly 10 months. 10 MONTHS! The same amount of time it takes to grow an entire human within another human! 10 MONTHS! I am done! In my last post I wrote about how my husband and I both tested positive for COVID-19. Which sucks!

Well 2021 is not shaping up to be much better. My uncle passed away tonight. He went into liver failure (not related to COVID-19) and they had to take him off life support tonight. I cannot believe that it is true! He was just here at Thanksgiving eating and laughing with us (he was part of our circle) but now he is gone! He was the nicest man and would do anything for you! He helped us move into our new home in June mid pandemic because he could and we had no one else. He said, “This is family and that is what family does!” He was such a good man. He was alone in his hospital room because he had previously tested positive for COVID-19 and so he couldn’t have anyone with him. It sucks! I cannot comfort my family because I am in quarantine since I tested positive for COVID-19. It sucks!

Yes, there are many people in the country, even the world, that are dealing with similar things and situations and I feel so much empathy for them. I felt their pain and I felt their sorrow without ever having to go through it, but I am going through it now and it sucks!

But do you want to know the kicker…I am angry! I am more angry than I am sad. I mean I am devastated that he is gone but anger is the emotion that tops my radar at present. I am angry this virus exists. I am angry that I cannot go comfort my aunt that just lost her brother. I am angry that my kids cannot play with other kids at the park. I am angry that my Kindergartener has to learn how to read through Google Meet classes. I am angry that she didn’t get a preschool graduation. I am angry that my 2 year old has been living through a pandemic in quarantine almost as long as he been alive. I am angry that the politicians can’t put their own agendas aside to do what is best for the American people (that is supposed to be why they are in office right?) I am angry that I can’t invite my family over or go to bar or go to a restaurant without fear of catching, or passing, the virus. I am just angry!

I try so hard to put on a happy face for my kids. I don’t want them to see how much I am struggling with the world and everything that is happening. I don’t want their childhoods marred by my anxiety, depression and anger. I want them to have as many happy and amazing childhood memories as they possibly can. But each day it is getting harder and harder to fake it!

I said to my husband the other day that I do not know how the world will ever go back to the way it was before. I just don’t believe it is possible. I fear that we, as a civilization, will be separated and isolated from each other for eternity. I sadly don’t see us coming together as family for big, happy gatherings. I don’t see our kids making new friends at the park. I don’t see us talking with strangers on the subway. I just see more derision, more division and more isolation in our future and that makes me angry!!!

An Enormous Weight

Dec31

I feel it…the weight…the weight of being a mom…the weight of being a wife…the weight of working full time…the weight of working full time at home while my kids are learning from home…the weight of being a contributing member of society…the weight of the state of the world…the weight of the Global Pandemic…the weight of the Covid-19. I have it. I caught it. We took so many precautions, tried to be so careful. This SUCKS! There is really no better word for this situation. Sucks…it feels like the wind has been literally sucked out of my lungs. I have asthma and I feel like I cannot take a a full deep breath. It feels like there is a small weight sitting at the top of my lungs that is only opening a part of the way to let the air in. Sucks…it feels like the desire to play with my kids has been sucked out of my life. I am sad, depressed, angry, anxious and so many other emotions that I cannot even name at this point. Sucks…It feels like all the thoughts have been sucked out of my brain. I cannot focus. I cannot think straight. I feel like I cannot even process what is happening.

My husband has also tested positive…My children both tested negative, thankfully but it is like a double edged sword. I am over the moon that they tested negative and there was no chance that Elliot infected anyone at school. But at the same time, I am slightly disappointed. If they did have it, they would be asymptomatic and getting through it without issue. Now I will terrified that they will catch it from us…AND…they have to quarantine for 24 DAYS!! That is a very long time to be isolated from the outside world. I am an extroverted extrovert. I need people around me. I need to interact with the outside world. Even if it is just to run to Wawa to get a coffee or a gallon of milk. I need to see people and community around me. That is the whole reason that I chose a career in HR, to be with and work with people.

I love my children, with everything that I am but 3.5 weeks without visitors, without being with people at all, for that long will drive anyone crazy! All day, everyday I think about worry about this virus and everything that is happening. Am I doing enough to protect my family, my children, myself? Am I making the right decisions to balance their safety and their sanity?

Right now we are waiting for test results to come back for many of my family members and I feel responsible for this. Though, I had no way of knowing that I had been exposed…as I said earlier we were taking precautions…when my aunt tested negative we thought we were in the clear, I had no idea that you still needed to quarantine for 10-14 days. Had I known that I would not have seen her…I would have known that there was still a chance to catch it.

They don’t tell you everything…the media…the people in charge…the powers that be…they only tell you what scares you…they only tell you enough to keep you under their thumb…they only tell what they want you to know…so you think think how they want you to think…so you will feel how they want you to feel. I am struggling so hard with what I am feeling and I cannot really make sense of any of this. I don’t know how to reconcile what I am feeling with everything around me.

I should be enjoying this time with my kids, I have 1.5 weeks off from work and we are all quarantined together, I should be excited to have this time with them. I should be planning all these different things to do with them, but I just don’t have it in me. I just really going through the motions of what I should be doing as their mom.

I hope and pray that 2021 brings change, serenity, hope, and peace. Each of these are desperately needed…by all of humanity.

Death in the Family

Dec16

How do you explain death to a toddler? The conversations that I have had with my daughter over the past few days have been some of the hardest conversations I have had in my life. On December 12th my aunt passed away after suffering from a debilitating form of Palsy. For over a year we thought that she was suffering from Parkinson’s disease; however, we recently learned that she was in fact she was suffering from a form palsy. Over the past 2 years she declined quickly. It was a hard thing to witness but we handled it. Made sure we visited her as often as we could. Made sure that she came to all the family holiday celebrations. 

We also made sure that my daughter got to see her as much as possible. Family is the most important thing to me. I prefer to spend as much time as I can with my family. My biggest regret is that when my father died I did not have any pictures of him with his granddaughter. He was in and out of an assisted living facility and my daughter was only 3 months old when he died so I did not want to be bringing her into a place that could be contagious with germs at that age. I had never told her about her pop-pop dying since she was so young when it happened that I knew she didn’t remember him. 

When we realized that my aunt would not be getting better I started to prepare myself and her for the worst. I will admit that I use Daniel Tiger  to help me talk to her about different kinds of difficult situations and feelings. He is truly is the best teacher. There was an episode of the show in which Daniel’s fish dies and the entire episode is about things dying and how to handle those feelings of loss, confusion and acceptance. When we watched that episode she asked me if she knew anyone that had died. I used this as an opportunity to tell her about her pop-pop. She asked a lot of questions, which is only natural, but she seemed to take it in well. A few weeks later I had to tell her that Aunt Kathleen died. This hit her so much harder as she remembered her, remembered going to her house and spending time with her. She was very sad and again she asked a lot of questions. I did my best to answer them as honestly as possible in a way that a 4 yo could understand. Trying not to scare her I explained that she was very sick and the doctor’s could not fix her. I did not want to say that she went to sleep and didn’t wake up because I thought that would make her fear sleeping. I was just honest. I explained that we get a chance to say goodbye at the funeral and that she will either be buried or cremated. We are Catholic and so I explained her soul is now with God in Heaven (as we believe.) 

It was also difficult for me since I had just found out my aunt passed earlier that morning. As I was explaining to her I started to cry, which is natural. I didn’t hide my tears from her, I cried right in front of her. I wanted her to know that it is OK the cry and that even grown-ups cry. She told me they didn’t. What blew me away was that she tried to cry because I was crying. She wanted me to feel better and didn’t want me to “cry all by [my]self.’ 

In the days since she has asked questions and made some comments that tell me she is processing what I told her. She is doing her best to understand something that even adults struggle with. 

Living with Anxiety

Dec11

And so it begins…The sun sets and the knots in my stomach begin to grow larger than they were during the day. Let’s be honest, when you suffer from anxiety the knots are always there. In some way or another, they are there. Always nervous or concerned or anticipating or overwhelmed about what is going to happen that day, the night, that hour or that moment. This is how I live, in a constant state of worry. I worry about how my daughter is doing in school. She is a very active child, I would almost go so far as to say she may have ADHD, though I am no medical professional to diagnose that, but she seems to exhibit the signs and symptoms. It wouldn’t surprise me if she did have it, my whole family seems to have it. I worry about her ability to focus on anything, her ability to listen and I worry about her behavior. I worry about how she will handle the world when she grows up. I worry that I am not doing right by her as her mother. I worry that I am making the wrong decisions, that I am too strict or not strict enough. 

I worry about my marriage. Am I doing enough as a wife? I am doing too much or not enough? Is my husband happy? I worry that I will say or do something that will cause us to fight. I worry that we will fight and he will leave. I worry that I am not enough. I worry that we are not enough. I worry that our family is not enough. That our home is not enough.

I worry about my newborn son. He is only a week old but I worry about him already. Before he was born I would wake up in a cold sweat that something was wrong with him in my belly or that something would go wrong when I went into labor. Now I worry that he is not getting enough sleep. I worry that he is eating too much or not enough. I worry that he will wake up in the middle of the night and wake up everyone else in the house. I worry that when that happens my daughter will wake up and not go back to sleep and that my husband will get angry with us. 

I worry about my career. Am I in a career that I want to be in? Is it providing enough for me and my family? Am I doing my job well? Am I doing the very best that I can be doing everyday? What more can I be doing to excel at my job? What does my team need from me to succeed? 

I even worry about when I will die. It is my greatest fear. I worry about the day that I will no longer be on this earth to be with my family. I worry that it will happen way too early and that my husband and children will be left all alone. I worry that my time will come and my children will not be prepared for the world. I worry that my husband will not be OK without me. I worry that he WILL be OK without me. I worry that the world will forget me. I worry that my children will not have someone to look after them. 

I worry about my extended family. I worry about people that I have never met but have seen in passing or on TV or on a viral video online. I worry about so many things ALL OF THE TIME. And it is truly exhausting.

I use the term worry because it is the easiest way to make you understand the feelings and thoughts that are constantly running through my brain and my heart. All of these thoughts and feelings are not necessarily irrational. Most of them, to some degree, are pretty legitimate. I know that so many have had some of the same thoughts, fears, and worries. What makes it different for me is that fact that I cannot turn these feelings off. They constantly run through me. Run through my brain all day and at times all night. I have stopped sleeping well because my brain doesn’t fully shut off. In fact, the silence of night is when these thoughts are often the loudest. I know deep down that one fight will not cause my husband to leave, or the baby crying in the middle of the night will not make him angry. I know that I am doing the best that I can for my children and they will be grow to be strong, happy and healthy adults. But knowing that does not stop the fear and dread from creeping in just a little. That is just how anxiety works. I cannot control it. It just is. 

Living with anxiety is like living with giant knot in the pit of your stomach in constant fear that it will unravel and strangle you. 

The Village

Nov4

There is so much truth to the phrase “It takes a village!” It truly does. My daughter has just turned 4 years old and I am 9 months pregnant with my son. I had two birthday parties for Fi because I have a large family and lots of friends and I just could not fit everyone in one party. So I did what any logical and sane expectant mother would do, I had two! One for family and one for friends!

I have always been the person that doesn’t ask for help! I always need to do things on my own! I feel bad asking people for help, like it actually hurts me to ask for help. I have high anxiety and I never want to put anyone out. But this past week celebrating my baby girl just proved to me that is really does take a village. There is no way I could have thrown two parties and tackled Halloween, because why not have a holiday thrown in the mix, without the help of my family and friends. They helped me clean, set up, pick up food, take care of disasters that had occurred (like a wine spill all over my living room and the birthday girl,) and giving out cake and leftovers at the end of the parties. I honestly don’t know how I would have made Fi’s birthday so special!

I probably didn’t need to go all out but right after turning 4 her baby brother is going to be born and her world is going to be forever changed. It will no longer be just mommy, Appa and her. She will no longer have our undivided attention and with her personality I know that it will be hard for her. So I think that is why I went all out. One last hurrah before she becomes a big sister. Sorta of like a bachelorette party before the big day lol. But I wanted her to have this before everything changes.

I know that it is changing for the better, as does she, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t a lot for a 4 year old. I am just glad that I was able to last without going into labor until after her week long birthday celebration. I knew that I could not do that to her since she was so excited to celebrate being a big girl 4 year old!

As all of this was happening I was just in awe and amazement at my friends and family that went out of their way to help me. They MADE me sit and rest and just shout out orders to them while they did everything! You never realize what amazing people you have in your life until you don’t even realize that you need them! They step up and show you just how much you matter to them! If you have a village, embrace them, have some wine and know that you are loved. If you don’t have a village, find one, or hell join mine! I think I have the best village out there. I know that any one of them would drop everything for me if I needed them and they know that I would do the same for them! Here’s to the village because every mom needs hers!

Double Standard

Oct20

Recently, I have been reading a lot about how white children should not be allowed to dress up as Black Panther or Moana or any other “ethnic” character because it is considered racist. REALLY???? Many of these “characters” are not real. They are fiction. Yes, some are based on real people but they are fiction characters.

Charles Caleb Colton, in Lacon: or, Many things in few words, 1820 said “Imitation is the sincerest of flattery.” These are children that want nothing more than to dress up as their favorite character or superhero on the one night of the year that they can. They just want to idolize their favorite character or superhero. They want to emulate them. They aren’t mocking them or attacking their message or lesson. They want to BE LIKE THEM!

My daughter is half Korean and half white. What these people are telling me is that the only people my daughter can admire and dress as is someone who is half Korean and half white. She chose to be Owlette for Halloween. She adores her for her bravery, for her powers and for her ability to fight for what is right. These are amazing qualities for my 4 year old to admire and want to emulate. There is no way in hell I am going to tell my daughter that she cannot dress as Owlette because my daughter is half Asian and Owlette may or may not be. Because that is what this new argument/campaign is saying. Children can only dress as the characters that are the same race/ethnicity as they are. So white children cannot dress as Black Panther (a fictional character created by a bunch of white men in the 1960’s) or as Moana, so then by the same token black or Asian or Hispanic children should not dress up as Captain America or Iron Man. But no one would dare say that. It is perfectly acceptable to tell white children who they can and cannot dress as, but no one would dare say anything like to a child that is African American or Asian or Hispanic or anything other than white.

I am so sick of the double standard. I am a white woman. My husband is Korean (like off the boat Korean) and so my daughter and future son are half white and half Korean. I am sick of feeling bad because I was born white. I am sick of people telling me that I am terrible person because I am white. That I am not allowed to do things because I am white. How is that not racist? I do not believe in judging a book by its cover. There are just as many asshole white people as there African American, Asian, Hispanic and every other race/ethnicity but no one speaks about that. It is just “all white people are evil and they owe everyone else everything.” I am tired of it. I don’t owe you shit. I never did anything to offend, oppress, insult or hurt you and I will be damned if I am going to apologize for something I didn’t do just because I am white. There are way too many sensitive people in this world that get butt hurt over everything. Toughen up and maybe society can actually grow and solve some of the bigger problems that it is facing like poverty and homelessness instead who is hurt over what.

My kid can dress as whomever she damn well pleases and I won’t apologize for it.

Vacation…(as a mom)

Aug28

I have been looking forward to this vacation since we booked it months ago. I could not wait to get away for everything and relax. Sit on the beach, lounge around at the beach house, wake up late, eat so much yummy food and not worry about anything! What I have come to realize though is…As a mom you never truly get a vacation!

IMG_2451.jpg

Our first morning here my 2.5 yr old completely leaked through her diaper all over the bed! Thankfully there is a washer and dryer in the house that we rented. We had to wash everything and clean it all up. After visiting with some friends we headed to the beach. We get settled with our spot all set up, Fiona starts playing in the sand with Harrison and I get comfy in my chair. I look at my mom after 5 minutes and say “this is nice,” at that exact moment Harrison’s exclaims, “Uhh I think I need to go back to house!” Fiona, playing in the sand throws sand directly into his face. Not on purpose but it stills sucks. So now he can’t see anything and I have to guide him back to the house to get his eyes cleaned out. IMG_2414.jpg

Later that night we head out to the boardwalk for dinner and rides. We stop at this little place on the boards, Angelo’s which I highly recommend, and as I am placing my order, Fiona spills my entire 16oz water ALL OVER ME! I am soaked! She gets upset and starts to cry. We calm her down after I dry off and we eat our meal.

Many people would look at all of those things that happened and think, “Oh man this vacation is not a vacation at all. Things just keep going wrong!” But what I have come to realize is that all of those little mishaps do not ruin your vacation they enhance it. These are little things that happen that make it memorable. They make the amazing parts of your vacation that much more wonderful. When we returned to the beach after cleaning out Harrison’s eyes we had a blast in the ocean teaching Fiona how to use a Boogie Board. After the water incident we watching Fiona eat a salad and cheese ravioli with such pleasure because she loves food. IMG_3925.jpg

At first she was terrified to go on the rides at the boardwalk and we thought we had wasted our money on the ride tickets, but she overcame her fear and had the best time riding with me and Harrison. Our first two days of vacation had its share of ups and downs but it has been an amazing time so far! IMG_3953.jpg

So remember, all those little things that you think ruin a vacation, or a party, or an event, really enhance it…it all depends on your perspective!

IMG_2479.jpg