Tag Archive | Parenting

An Enormous Weight

Dec31

I feel it…the weight…the weight of being a mom…the weight of being a wife…the weight of working full time…the weight of working full time at home while my kids are learning from home…the weight of being a contributing member of society…the weight of the state of the world…the weight of the Global Pandemic…the weight of the Covid-19. I have it. I caught it. We took so many precautions, tried to be so careful. This SUCKS! There is really no better word for this situation. Sucks…it feels like the wind has been literally sucked out of my lungs. I have asthma and I feel like I cannot take a a full deep breath. It feels like there is a small weight sitting at the top of my lungs that is only opening a part of the way to let the air in. Sucks…it feels like the desire to play with my kids has been sucked out of my life. I am sad, depressed, angry, anxious and so many other emotions that I cannot even name at this point. Sucks…It feels like all the thoughts have been sucked out of my brain. I cannot focus. I cannot think straight. I feel like I cannot even process what is happening.

My husband has also tested positive…My children both tested negative, thankfully but it is like a double edged sword. I am over the moon that they tested negative and there was no chance that Elliot infected anyone at school. But at the same time, I am slightly disappointed. If they did have it, they would be asymptomatic and getting through it without issue. Now I will terrified that they will catch it from us…AND…they have to quarantine for 24 DAYS!! That is a very long time to be isolated from the outside world. I am an extroverted extrovert. I need people around me. I need to interact with the outside world. Even if it is just to run to Wawa to get a coffee or a gallon of milk. I need to see people and community around me. That is the whole reason that I chose a career in HR, to be with and work with people.

I love my children, with everything that I am but 3.5 weeks without visitors, without being with people at all, for that long will drive anyone crazy! All day, everyday I think about worry about this virus and everything that is happening. Am I doing enough to protect my family, my children, myself? Am I making the right decisions to balance their safety and their sanity?

Right now we are waiting for test results to come back for many of my family members and I feel responsible for this. Though, I had no way of knowing that I had been exposed…as I said earlier we were taking precautions…when my aunt tested negative we thought we were in the clear, I had no idea that you still needed to quarantine for 10-14 days. Had I known that I would not have seen her…I would have known that there was still a chance to catch it.

They don’t tell you everything…the media…the people in charge…the powers that be…they only tell you what scares you…they only tell you enough to keep you under their thumb…they only tell what they want you to know…so you think think how they want you to think…so you will feel how they want you to feel. I am struggling so hard with what I am feeling and I cannot really make sense of any of this. I don’t know how to reconcile what I am feeling with everything around me.

I should be enjoying this time with my kids, I have 1.5 weeks off from work and we are all quarantined together, I should be excited to have this time with them. I should be planning all these different things to do with them, but I just don’t have it in me. I just really going through the motions of what I should be doing as their mom.

I hope and pray that 2021 brings change, serenity, hope, and peace. Each of these are desperately needed…by all of humanity.

Tech

Apr6

I noticed something today…well I have noticed it many time before now but today is when it really hit me. I was sitting in Wendy’s with my 4.5 year old daughter. We were eating lunch together. We just had added a baby to the family so we try to spend quality time together just her and I whenever we can. It is not easy with a 4 month old but we carve out the smallest amount of time whenever we can. Today it really hit me how much tech has taken over the lives of our youth.

My daughter has a tablet that has a bunch of games and shows on it. We have the parental controls set to give her a set amount of time each day, usually 1.5 hours. Once that time runs out the tablet shuts off until the next 7 am the next day. We even have it set to shut down at 7 pm to not cause issues at bedtime. She has completely gotten used to it and it helps limit the amount of screen time she gets. She also has rules that she needs to follow. No tablet at the table when we are eating, if someone speaks to her she must put the tablet down and engage them and we must approve any new game or show she wants to play/watch. She has done incredibly well with these rules.

While at Wendy’s she put her tablet aside to each her lunch and we engaged in conversation and silly play. We built her kid’s meal toy together and just bonded. As we were enjoying what little mommy-daughter time we get I noticed a family come in. It was 2 younger grandparents (maybe in their late 50’s) and 2 kids (roughly 8 and 10) and the entire time they were in Wendy’s the kid played on their devices, even while they ate. The grandparents spoke to each and the barely engaged the kids. I was blown away. But when I think about it, most places I go I see children on their devices keeping themselves isolated from their peers.

At the play area in the mall, a little girl was Snapchatting on the slide instead of playing with the numerous other children in the play area. But when I looked around I saw no less than a dozen parents with their heads buried in their phones and barely watching their children. I am guilty of it too. I find that if my 4.5yo is busy playing well with other children I use that time to check my email or my Instagram but we need to stop.

We, as parents, need to show our children that there is more to life than our tech. We need to teach our children how to interact with other people. We need to teach them how to ask anther kid if it is OK to play with them or even how to say “Hello! My name is …!” But most children cannot do that these days. We are letting our children down.

So parents, I implore you, put down your electronics and take the time to engage with your children. Teach them how to be intelligent, well-adjusted adults. Because if we keep going the way we are going our future is headed for a lonely and awkward future.

Shame!! Shame!!

Feb5

We all suffer from it. Whether it is self-inflicted or brought on by someone else’s judgement we all feel shame. We may be ashamed of something that happened in our past when were we young and inexperienced, we may be ashamed of something that someone close to us did that reflected poorly on our choice in associations, we may just be insecure and ashamed of it. But make no mistake, we ALL feel shame, and that is OK! What is not OK is shaming others. Judging people for the decisions they make based on their own lives and situations when we have no idea what their life is actually like.

Personally, I feel that Mom Shaming is the worst kind of shaming. Every mom (and every dad) is doing the absolute best they can do for their children with the resources they have. Whether they choose to breast or formula feed, rock their babies to sleep or let them cry it out, send their kids to daycare or stay at home. All of these decisions are made based on the resources, parenting beliefs and experiences of the parents making them. We do not know what their situation is, so who are we to judge them. A mom may be a breast cancer survivor that had a double mastectomy and cannot breast feed no matter how much they want to. A mom may want to formula feed because they cannot get over the debilitating postpartum depression but cannot because the cost it too high. A mom not be able to stay home because she needs to work to support her family. We do not know what the situation is but it is none of our business.

I try to never judge any person on this earth for the decisions they make, but especially other parents. I am certainly not perfect and there are times I find myself having that judgmental thought but when I catch myself I stop and ask that mom if there is anything I can do to help them in that moment if they look as if they are struggling. Or I offer a kind word of encouragement because let’s be honest we can all use more kind words offered to us on the regular. The kind words I offer could be the only kind words that mom has heard all day.

I was catching up with my friend Jamie yesterday, she recently had her son about 5 months ago and my second child is 2 months old. We were chatting about the difficulties of midnight feedings, strategies for sleeping, dealing with the incredible amount of weight that we moms deal with on a daily basis. We also talked about the joy our babies bring us, the smiles, the laughs, the coos, the looks of love and how all the hard parts are worth every stressful moment when they look at us. As we parted ways and made loose plans to be walking buddies she made a comment that hit me like a ton of bricks, “You can never have too many mom friends!” This is unbelievably true! We should not be breaking each other down but building each other up. We should be helping each other make it through the day if need be. We are all moms that could use a shoulder to lean on, or a helping hand, or a kind word. We are a village going through the same thing no matter how different the situation.

So when you see a mom struggling, offer a kind word or helping hand. If you are talking with a mom about their parenting choices hear what she is saying. Take it in. Understand what she is saying. You don’t need to agree with her choices but you do need to respect that these are her choices. If you are staunchly against her choices make the conscious decision to not be a mom shamer and keep your mouth shut. Unless they choose to not vaccinate their children, then you should make the conscious decision to never bring your child around their child.

Kinship

Dec8

Well I did it again! My beautiful son, Elliot, was born on Sunday, December 2nd and it just amazing already. Thank God he is healthy and happy. All the anxiety that I had throughout my 9 months was terrifying but apparently unnecessary. I delivered him in 44 minutes from when I started pushing, a huge change from my daughter, as I pushed for 2 hours and 45 minutes with her. The staff was absolutely amazing!

After delivery when I was finally taken to my room, a room I would not see the outside of for the next roughly 3 days. I asked my husband to stay in the hospital with me this time. When my daughter was born I told him he could home and I think that was my first mistake. With her I spent 3 days mostly alone in the hospital room. During the day it wasn’t so bad, I had some visitors, hospital staff in and out checking on me and Fiona, but at night when no one came in to check on us it got hard. I think that is part of the reason I had such bad postpartum depression. I pretty much started off as a mom all alone. 

This time I voiced what I needed. I asked for help. I am so lucky to have my mom so close by. She took Fiona the whole time I was in the hospital so that Harrison could stay by my side. Though I was nursing, and he couldn’t actually feed our new bundle of joy, at least I had someone to talk to. Even though I was up at night nursing Elliot, I could look over at the pull out cot and see my loving husband there, though asleep, to support me. 

That first day/night in the hospital with my new son, after the first round of hospital staff was in and out, after the first round of visitors had come and gone, I thought to myself, “I am so blessed. I have a beautiful new son, a beautiful daughter, a loving husband and an incredibly supportive family!” That is when I heard it! The screeching cry from the room next door! The screeching cry of an inconsolable baby. The constant wail from those tiny lungs. And I didn’t hear it just once. It was pretty consistent throughout our stay. All I could think was, “That poor mom! I do not know your story, but I have been there! I have been in your shoes! I know what you are going through and you can do this! I don’t know your precious baby’s story but he will be alright!” At that moment I said a prayer for her. A prayer for that mom with screeching baby and for every mom that is having a tough time of it. Sometimes all a mom or even dad needs to hear is, “You got this!’ One kind word, or even a prayer, goes a long way! If you see a parent struggling, give them a kind word. If you see a child throwing a tantrum in the middle of the mall, don’t stare. Give the parent a little acknowledgement that you understand what they are going through. Every family, every parent, every child has a story different from our own and what us parents need is kinship to make it through the day sometimes.