Tag Archive | strength

Full on Exorcist Twist

Welcome to 2018! It is only the 2nd day of the new year and I have already had it! My personal inner resolution WAS to be calmer this year! Lower my cholesterol, try not to scream so much, eat healthier and not lose my cool! Welp…3 of the 4 those things are out the door already (and who knows my cholesterol could be up and I just don’t know it!)

We were having a nice dinner that I made in the InstantPot and AirFryer, Fiona was watching her show after eating her dinner, we were relaxed and eating healthy. Things were looking good! Then it was time for a Fi to brush her teeth! She refused! I stayed calm and nice and tried to negotiate, because all parenting a pre-schooler really consists of is honing your negotiation skills to the point of perfection!

Turns out I still need a little more practice. After making her cry and throwing her book across the room (I did the throwing because she tried to take it from me) I brushed her teeth and put her pjs on her. I chose princess pjs but she wanted Elsa. Too bad kid, you should have done what I asked. She screamed in her bed for a good 5 minutes. That’s when I heard her run across the room! We don’t get out of bed when we are in trouble in my house. When I told her to get back into bed she responded with “NO!!!!!!” Well… that sent me into a tailspin! I grabbed every single one of her dolls (she sleeps with quite a few) and took them all out of her room!

Enter the best impression of Linda Blair, minus the pea soup vomit, I have ever seen from a child! We were full on possessed! I am talking speaking in tongues, head twitching side to side, high pitched wales, body contortions that would make Cirque Du Soleil look like amateur hour, rolling, kicking, grabbing, biting, throwing, and finally exhaustion!

When the demon had left her body we were able to talk so she could understand why she was in trouble and why I took her dolls away. She told me it was because she didn’t listen! Whew, that was close! She got it right! I let her pick 2 dolls to take to bed with her but I told her she had to earn the rest back by listening and doing what she is told! She seemed to understand. But we will see how long it lasts!

When I finally put her to bed, with no story, no song, pjs she didn’t want to wear and only 2 dolls she still said she loved me! Once she was in bed I walked into the living room and sobbed! Right on my couch into my husband’s chest! I sobbed because she was so sad and upset when I yelled at her. I sobbed because I was exhausted. I sobbed because I felt like a terrible mother for upsetting her. I sobbed because I have no idea what I am doing. I sobbed because I didn’t cave and stuck to my guns! I sobbed because the weight of the responsibility of raising a human is sometimes too much to take. And I sobbed because after all that she still loved me!

After all those emotions running so high, I ended the night with a huge piece of my Aunt’s pudding pie because sometime you just have to! Being a mother is hands down the hardest job in the world. There are no instructions, no one telling you that you are making the right decisions, you could be completely screwing up and ruining your kid’s life! You are constantly tired, stressed, messy and lost but I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world.

I just had to do it…

OK world….I had to do it! I just had to! There are many reasons that I could give you. I can get high and mighty or even self deprecating. But the real reason is because I wanted to. That’s it…the only reason…I simply wanted to. For me, myself and I…no one else.

What exactly did I do you ask…

I became a Thirty-One Independent Consultant!! Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “Oh wow big deal! She joined a direct selling company just like so many other moms out there! Whoopee!” Well, I will say you are partly correct. I did join a direct selling company. But not for the reasons that you are thinking. Yes, I will be able to bring in extra money for the luxuries that I desire. Yes, I will get a discount on products that I genuinely love and use on a daily basis. But these are not the reasons why I signed up.

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I signed up to be me again. I now technically have 3 jobs. I have my day job working in HR for the Department of Navy, I have my all-the-time-job of Mother to my darling daughter and now I have the fun part-time job as Daria Lee, Thirty-One Independent Consultant. And I love it! Being Mother will always be my favorite job. HR for DON is good job, it pays well, I have great benefits and I like the people. But Thirty-One Independent Consultant has given me back who I am. The outgoing, fun-loving, people person I always was. After I had Fiona I started to just be Mommy or Wife. I lost a little bit of Daria.

Always working to make sure that house was clean, dinner prepared and lunches made I stopped worrying about who I was and what my passions were. Thirty-One has given that back to me. Not only do I get to meet new people constantly but I am running my own business. I am able to show my daughter what it is like to be a leader, and thrive. I have always wanted to run my own business but I have always been too afraid to make the leap. Thirty-One has given me the opportunity to be my own boss, to grow as an individual and lead by example. At first, I joined Thirty-One to make some extra cash when my basement flooded immediately after we finished it, but it has given me so much more than I have ever expected!

So yes, I am a working mother with 2 more jobs but I know that my daughter is learning so much by watching her mother be the person that she was always meant to be…a woman making her dreams a reality!

Self-Confidence Is Not Automatic

Since I was a very young girl I always noticed the people that exuded confidence…although I don’t think I knew what that word meant until I was in high school but you get the point. I always envied those people who could walk around with what seemed like not a care in the world. The never cared what people thought of them, the never looked for approval or acceptance. They just did their thing and went about their lives. To have that confidence always amazed me. I have never had that. Sure I may act like I do but those few people that really know me (and now you that are reading this) know that I actually do care what people think. I try to walk around saying, “Whatever! I don’t care what you think! I am my own person and I will live how I want to live!” but deep down I am very concerned with whether or not people actually like me, or agree with me etc. I think that is the main thing that attracted me to my husband. He has that! He has that confidence that I have never had and desperately want. I get embarrassed when I have to make a phone call to ask question about car insurance because I fear sounding like a moron. I get nervous trying to use a coupon in the store because the clerk might say no. My husband does not care about anything. He will try to use 5 coupons that are all expired and then try to convince the clerk to let him use them after she has said no twice. He astounds me that he can do this. He has confidence I could never have. My brother has it too. He has enough self-confidence for 10 people and it baffles me. When he walks into a room he owns it! The whole room knows he is there and that how he likes it!

When I was grade school I was bullied before bullying became the hot topic it is now. I was laughed at, mocked, made fun of, left out of things and so on until 7th grade. I believe all that happened to me has made me a stronger person and taught me to persevere and stand up for myself but it did not help my self confidence. I am still that 4th grader sitting alone at her desk while all the other kids are playing at recess deep down. When I got to high school things were better. I made friends that I connected with easily and we are still extremely close today. My high school experience was not a bad one. In fact it was a wonderful school. I was on the cheer leading squad, managed the baseball team and belonged to numerous clubs. I probably could have been involved in a lot more and been close friends with many more classmates but it was my lack of self-confidence that held me back. My classmates never treated me bad or bullied me but in my head and heart I looked at them as the “popular crowd,” and “out of my reach.” I had a fear that they would not accept me so I never tried. ¬†Looking back now I know that I was being silly and I regret never trying. I have recently gotten back on touch with many of them and I am so glad. I have talked with them and learned from them and supported them and they have supported me. I no longer see that imaginary barrier that I created all those years ago.

Self-confidence is a trait that people take for granted. Parents do not realize how important it is to teach this to their children. My mother tried with all her might to teach me to be confident in who I am. Sometimes I fear that I failed her for not being more confident but I do try. If there is one lesson that I can teach my daughter above all else it is this: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt ¬†I tell her everyday how wonderful she is and how amazing she is. Though she is barely 7 months old I want her to have the confidence that I never had. Though I am still working on it so I guess there is still time!