Mom Friends!

Feb25

I came to the realization today that I suck at making mom friends! I am awkward. I stutter. I make stupid jokes. All in the hopes that the mom in the dance class parking lot will engage and want to talk to me. When we were children we were almost forced into some time of friendships because the moms were friends, or we were in school together and the whole class had to be invited to the birthday party. So it was a pseudo friendship. I had quite a few of them. When I speak with the moms of those kids that I played with, I politely ask how their child is doing and tell them to give “Johnny” or “Sally” my best even though I have not seen them for years!!! Because if not, my mother will “South Philly Italian” slap me upside the head.

As we got older we made and kept friendships based on similar interests but still it was easy to start a conversation because you were in the same homeroom or on the same sports team. You had the basic connection of a shared space for a finite period of time. You had to engage with peers and therefore friendships blossomed. And that is amazing!!! Many people keep those friendships into adulthood and that is a blessing. But sadly, for many that doesn’t happen. We grow up, grow apart, move away, go off to college or whatever happens that causes the separation.

Now I find myself struggling to connect with people now that I am a side part combing, skinny jean wearing, cry face emoji using old maid mama. Don’t get me wrong…I love all three of those things! They give me comfort and make me feel safe and secure. And this skinny jean wearing mama can go to the wine store!!!

With all the isolation and separation due to The Rona it is already hard enough to connect with the people we HAVE a relationship with, let alone try to make new connections! I was at the park during the week with my 6yo daughter and she was having the time of her life. While she was playing I overheard a mom say something amazing to her son (I don’t remember what it is now because after 2 kids, a full time job and isolation I have Dory’s memory) but I made a comment in agreement and she engaged! She responded and we started talking. She was laughing and I was laughing…the mom flirting was going great! Because that is what you have to do when you want to make a new mom friend. You have flirt with them. Tell them they’re pretty. That their “eyes are like the see after a storm.” Tell them they’re doing a boss job mommying it. Whatever it takes for them to just engage. So then when I asked if which school her 7 yo son went to, because you know…my kid is 6… her kid is 7…close in age…play date planning in my head…mom flirting…she was trying to get them to play together…then she drops the bomb and my dreams of a new mom friend are shattered…her in-laws live in town, she doesn’t and then she left. I felt like it was just swiped the wrong way on Tinder (I have no idea which direction is good or bad on Tinder because I am a side part mom.)

Now please don’t take this post to mean that I have no friends. That would just be pathetic and only slightly accurate. I have some excellent and wonderfully dear friends. A couple from my childhood, a couple from high school, a couple from college and a few dear friends through work. Other than my “work” friends, many of my other friends and I have differing parenting styles, opposing political views and our lifestyles don’t match (our kids are all different ages and they don’t really play together.) Also, I am new in my town and it would be nice to have 1 or 2 moms that I can talk to about things happening in the school, roll our eyes together at school board meetings or even volunteer together for school field trips (if the apocolypse is ever averted and they have them again.)

All of this is made that much harder with the mask wearing. Disclaimer…I don’t mind wearing masks. I lived in Japan where wearing a mask is not unusual and would wear them often. So please do not take what I am saying to mean I don’t want to wear a mask. I am PRO-MASK. But I think that we can all agree that the wearing of the mask makes it that much harder to connect. What I mean is…I think I am hilarious (I am humble too.) Not George Carlin or Monty Python hilarious but I have been known to get out a few side splitters. But that only works if one can hear my under breath, sarcastic comments. The ones that are made at a volume just loud of enough for the person next to me, “Mom Friend Target” to hear but low enough that person or group that I am being sarcastic about can’t hear. That does not work if I have to yell to be heard through the cloth and elastic and everyone from here to Tennessee can hear me.

The moral of the story is…if you are in the dance school parking lot or on the soccer field and a mom awkwardly tries to engage with you…be kind. More often than not that mom just needs a friend. Not necessarily a Ride or Die Friend…because she probably has one but sadly not nearby…But someone she can talk to at the weekly class/practice and not look like a loser with no friends.

D.O.N.E.

Jan7

I am done! Completely and totally! I legit cannot handle one more thing! 2020 sucked! I know that everyone is saying, “It brought me more time with my kids!” “We were able to get so much closer as a family unit!” “We need to be thankful for the blessings that we were given!” STOP IT! ok…just Stop It! Trying trying to look like the perfect parent, or the perfect employee, or the perfect whatever! Just stop and admit that 2020 SUCKED! There is so much about it that sucked! People were isolated in their homes, some without any contact to the outside world. Numerous businesses shut down (especially in my home state of NJ,) families were ripped apart at the seams as loved ones succumbed to this f*cking awful virus, there were riots in the streets because society cannot adult and discuss their differences and my anxiety freaking quadrupled.

We have been forced to be apart and separate for nearly 10 months. 10 MONTHS! The same amount of time it takes to grow an entire human within another human! 10 MONTHS! I am done! In my last post I wrote about how my husband and I both tested positive for COVID-19. Which sucks!

Well 2021 is not shaping up to be much better. My uncle passed away tonight. He went into liver failure (not related to COVID-19) and they had to take him off life support tonight. I cannot believe that it is true! He was just here at Thanksgiving eating and laughing with us (he was part of our circle) but now he is gone! He was the nicest man and would do anything for you! He helped us move into our new home in June mid pandemic because he could and we had no one else. He said, “This is family and that is what family does!” He was such a good man. He was alone in his hospital room because he had previously tested positive for COVID-19 and so he couldn’t have anyone with him. It sucks! I cannot comfort my family because I am in quarantine since I tested positive for COVID-19. It sucks!

Yes, there are many people in the country, even the world, that are dealing with similar things and situations and I feel so much empathy for them. I felt their pain and I felt their sorrow without ever having to go through it, but I am going through it now and it sucks!

But do you want to know the kicker…I am angry! I am more angry than I am sad. I mean I am devastated that he is gone but anger is the emotion that tops my radar at present. I am angry this virus exists. I am angry that I cannot go comfort my aunt that just lost her brother. I am angry that my kids cannot play with other kids at the park. I am angry that my Kindergartener has to learn how to read through Google Meet classes. I am angry that she didn’t get a preschool graduation. I am angry that my 2 year old has been living through a pandemic in quarantine almost as long as he been alive. I am angry that the politicians can’t put their own agendas aside to do what is best for the American people (that is supposed to be why they are in office right?) I am angry that I can’t invite my family over or go to bar or go to a restaurant without fear of catching, or passing, the virus. I am just angry!

I try so hard to put on a happy face for my kids. I don’t want them to see how much I am struggling with the world and everything that is happening. I don’t want their childhoods marred by my anxiety, depression and anger. I want them to have as many happy and amazing childhood memories as they possibly can. But each day it is getting harder and harder to fake it!

I said to my husband the other day that I do not know how the world will ever go back to the way it was before. I just don’t believe it is possible. I fear that we, as a civilization, will be separated and isolated from each other for eternity. I sadly don’t see us coming together as family for big, happy gatherings. I don’t see our kids making new friends at the park. I don’t see us talking with strangers on the subway. I just see more derision, more division and more isolation in our future and that makes me angry!!!

An Enormous Weight

Dec31

I feel it…the weight…the weight of being a mom…the weight of being a wife…the weight of working full time…the weight of working full time at home while my kids are learning from home…the weight of being a contributing member of society…the weight of the state of the world…the weight of the Global Pandemic…the weight of the Covid-19. I have it. I caught it. We took so many precautions, tried to be so careful. This SUCKS! There is really no better word for this situation. Sucks…it feels like the wind has been literally sucked out of my lungs. I have asthma and I feel like I cannot take a a full deep breath. It feels like there is a small weight sitting at the top of my lungs that is only opening a part of the way to let the air in. Sucks…it feels like the desire to play with my kids has been sucked out of my life. I am sad, depressed, angry, anxious and so many other emotions that I cannot even name at this point. Sucks…It feels like all the thoughts have been sucked out of my brain. I cannot focus. I cannot think straight. I feel like I cannot even process what is happening.

My husband has also tested positive…My children both tested negative, thankfully but it is like a double edged sword. I am over the moon that they tested negative and there was no chance that Elliot infected anyone at school. But at the same time, I am slightly disappointed. If they did have it, they would be asymptomatic and getting through it without issue. Now I will terrified that they will catch it from us…AND…they have to quarantine for 24 DAYS!! That is a very long time to be isolated from the outside world. I am an extroverted extrovert. I need people around me. I need to interact with the outside world. Even if it is just to run to Wawa to get a coffee or a gallon of milk. I need to see people and community around me. That is the whole reason that I chose a career in HR, to be with and work with people.

I love my children, with everything that I am but 3.5 weeks without visitors, without being with people at all, for that long will drive anyone crazy! All day, everyday I think about worry about this virus and everything that is happening. Am I doing enough to protect my family, my children, myself? Am I making the right decisions to balance their safety and their sanity?

Right now we are waiting for test results to come back for many of my family members and I feel responsible for this. Though, I had no way of knowing that I had been exposed…as I said earlier we were taking precautions…when my aunt tested negative we thought we were in the clear, I had no idea that you still needed to quarantine for 10-14 days. Had I known that I would not have seen her…I would have known that there was still a chance to catch it.

They don’t tell you everything…the media…the people in charge…the powers that be…they only tell you what scares you…they only tell you enough to keep you under their thumb…they only tell what they want you to know…so you think think how they want you to think…so you will feel how they want you to feel. I am struggling so hard with what I am feeling and I cannot really make sense of any of this. I don’t know how to reconcile what I am feeling with everything around me.

I should be enjoying this time with my kids, I have 1.5 weeks off from work and we are all quarantined together, I should be excited to have this time with them. I should be planning all these different things to do with them, but I just don’t have it in me. I just really going through the motions of what I should be doing as their mom.

I hope and pray that 2021 brings change, serenity, hope, and peace. Each of these are desperately needed…by all of humanity.

Corona Isolation

Apr14

It has been a very long time since I have actually taken to my computer to blog. Most of my blogging takes place on my Mom-Stagram (which you can find at anxiouslyramblingmom on Instagram) but today I need to get it all out. Whether you read my blog or not, I need an outlet and my councilor once said that getting it out of your systems helps more than you realize. So read on…or don’t…I care not…like what I have to say…or don’t…I care not.

I CANNOT handle this quarantine. There is a reason that I work outside the home! I mean don’t get me wrong! I love my children! They are my reason for everything, but I NEED A BREAK from them! My children are incredibly hyper, engaged, into everything, think they are smarter than everyone, wild children. In 2 days my 16 month old has fallen off the coffee table, jumped off the toy chest onto a box toy, fallen off the couch and has been dropped by his 5 year old sister. My 5 year old is now spending the majority of her days switching between her tablet, our iPad, her dad’s old phone and the laptop playing ABC Mouse, watching YouTube and Disney+.I started strong with a schedule and all kinds of activities for her to do. But trying to homeschool her, while taking care of her brother and trying to work full time is insane. It just cannot be done….oh and did I mention we are in the process of selling our house to move in with my mother for a month until we can move into our new house???

If this doesn’t end soon people are going to start rioting in the streets…mostly by my husband and me. AND if I see one more meme or post that says working moms now know what stay at home moms deal with I am going to scream because it is in no way the same. Trying to have a Zoom call with my entire team or my customers with my child screeching in the background is not the same thing. We are lucky enough that my husband and I can continue to work from home and still have income to pay our bills and keep food on the table. I know we are so lucky…he is considered essentials because he feeds the troops with his job, but we are lucky that he can do that from home without having to leave the house, risking our exposure to the virus.

I believe that we should have closed our borders back in January when this thing started and stopped letting people in that could risk the health and safety of the American people…but no we didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We should have locked down the entire country to keep this thing from spreading….but no we didn’t want to violate anyone’s civil liberties. Well…now we have thousands of people sick and dying. We need this to end and it needs to end now!

I am not trying to lessen any person’s experience. I am not trying to start and argument. I am just releasing my pent up feelings….so don’t come at me all butt hurt over what I have written or over what I believe.

Tech

Apr6

I noticed something today…well I have noticed it many time before now but today is when it really hit me. I was sitting in Wendy’s with my 4.5 year old daughter. We were eating lunch together. We just had added a baby to the family so we try to spend quality time together just her and I whenever we can. It is not easy with a 4 month old but we carve out the smallest amount of time whenever we can. Today it really hit me how much tech has taken over the lives of our youth.

My daughter has a tablet that has a bunch of games and shows on it. We have the parental controls set to give her a set amount of time each day, usually 1.5 hours. Once that time runs out the tablet shuts off until the next 7 am the next day. We even have it set to shut down at 7 pm to not cause issues at bedtime. She has completely gotten used to it and it helps limit the amount of screen time she gets. She also has rules that she needs to follow. No tablet at the table when we are eating, if someone speaks to her she must put the tablet down and engage them and we must approve any new game or show she wants to play/watch. She has done incredibly well with these rules.

While at Wendy’s she put her tablet aside to each her lunch and we engaged in conversation and silly play. We built her kid’s meal toy together and just bonded. As we were enjoying what little mommy-daughter time we get I noticed a family come in. It was 2 younger grandparents (maybe in their late 50’s) and 2 kids (roughly 8 and 10) and the entire time they were in Wendy’s the kid played on their devices, even while they ate. The grandparents spoke to each and the barely engaged the kids. I was blown away. But when I think about it, most places I go I see children on their devices keeping themselves isolated from their peers.

At the play area in the mall, a little girl was Snapchatting on the slide instead of playing with the numerous other children in the play area. But when I looked around I saw no less than a dozen parents with their heads buried in their phones and barely watching their children. I am guilty of it too. I find that if my 4.5yo is busy playing well with other children I use that time to check my email or my Instagram but we need to stop.

We, as parents, need to show our children that there is more to life than our tech. We need to teach our children how to interact with other people. We need to teach them how to ask anther kid if it is OK to play with them or even how to say “Hello! My name is …!” But most children cannot do that these days. We are letting our children down.

So parents, I implore you, put down your electronics and take the time to engage with your children. Teach them how to be intelligent, well-adjusted adults. Because if we keep going the way we are going our future is headed for a lonely and awkward future.

Postpartum Depression & Anxiety

Feb26

“You are not depressed, you are just tired from the new baby!” You have a beautiful new bundle of joy what do you have to be sad about?” “Snap out of it, you have a child to take care!” I have heard each of these things and more from family and friends, both with my first child and my now with my second.

No one like to talk about postpartum depression and anxiety. Many women are embarrassed or feel like they will be looked at with disdain if they admit they need help. They are afraid that people will think that they can’t take care of their child. But the thing is PPDA is a real thing. It can be completely incapacitating. Trust me, I know because I suffer from it. With my first child I cried constantly for no reason and every reason. I ran the gamut of emotions all day. Only at that time I had no idea I had PPDA. I have anxiety normally when I am not postpartum so I just assumed it was a little exaggerated since I was a first time mom and didn’t know what I was doing. Luckily, I have an incredible support system and my cousin told me I needed help. I sought out a councilor and it helped tremendously. I started blogging and after a difficult struggle I got through it.

Cut to four years later and it is happening all over again. I had my son 12 weeks ago and the PPDA hit me like a ton of bricks. It is so much worse than before. I cry all the time, I have no interest in doing anything that I need to do. Even though I love my children more than anything I don’t really want to do things with them. I am getting very short and cranky with my older daughter and just going through the motions with my son and husband. The positive is that this time I was able to recognize it and I decided to do something about it on my own before I was too far into the depression to pull myself out. I decided to join a clinical study for a new PPD medication. At the current moment there are no medications that are specifically geared toward PPDA. When moms seek out help for the PPDA they are put on things like Zoloft.

The research for the clinical study shows that PPDA is caused by the rapid decline of the pregnancy hormones causing the symptoms PPDA. The medication works to put the hormones back into the system and slowly reduce the hormone and a more manageable rate. I have had two psych evaluations and a physical before being allowed to participate. After all that I was approved to participate. When I received the news I thought, “Yay I am able to participate!” but at the same time I thought, “Great, I have PPDA!” so it was a little bittersweet.

Not only am I hoping that the new experimental medications with help me with my depression but that it will also help other moms and the future overcome their depression. PPDA is a serious problem and society need to acknowledge and talk about it. Too many moms have suffered and even taken their on lives due to the severity of their depression.

I am putting out a call to action. If someone know seems to suffering from any form of PPDA please reach out to them. Ask them how they are doing. Ask them if you can help in any way. Even if you just listen or hold their new baby for a few minutes. You will be surprised how much the littlest things can help. I will keep you posted over the next 6 weeks while I am participating in this study. I am praying for positive results.

Shame!! Shame!!

Feb5

We all suffer from it. Whether it is self-inflicted or brought on by someone else’s judgement we all feel shame. We may be ashamed of something that happened in our past when were we young and inexperienced, we may be ashamed of something that someone close to us did that reflected poorly on our choice in associations, we may just be insecure and ashamed of it. But make no mistake, we ALL feel shame, and that is OK! What is not OK is shaming others. Judging people for the decisions they make based on their own lives and situations when we have no idea what their life is actually like.

Personally, I feel that Mom Shaming is the worst kind of shaming. Every mom (and every dad) is doing the absolute best they can do for their children with the resources they have. Whether they choose to breast or formula feed, rock their babies to sleep or let them cry it out, send their kids to daycare or stay at home. All of these decisions are made based on the resources, parenting beliefs and experiences of the parents making them. We do not know what their situation is, so who are we to judge them. A mom may be a breast cancer survivor that had a double mastectomy and cannot breast feed no matter how much they want to. A mom may want to formula feed because they cannot get over the debilitating postpartum depression but cannot because the cost it too high. A mom not be able to stay home because she needs to work to support her family. We do not know what the situation is but it is none of our business.

I try to never judge any person on this earth for the decisions they make, but especially other parents. I am certainly not perfect and there are times I find myself having that judgmental thought but when I catch myself I stop and ask that mom if there is anything I can do to help them in that moment if they look as if they are struggling. Or I offer a kind word of encouragement because let’s be honest we can all use more kind words offered to us on the regular. The kind words I offer could be the only kind words that mom has heard all day.

I was catching up with my friend Jamie yesterday, she recently had her son about 5 months ago and my second child is 2 months old. We were chatting about the difficulties of midnight feedings, strategies for sleeping, dealing with the incredible amount of weight that we moms deal with on a daily basis. We also talked about the joy our babies bring us, the smiles, the laughs, the coos, the looks of love and how all the hard parts are worth every stressful moment when they look at us. As we parted ways and made loose plans to be walking buddies she made a comment that hit me like a ton of bricks, “You can never have too many mom friends!” This is unbelievably true! We should not be breaking each other down but building each other up. We should be helping each other make it through the day if need be. We are all moms that could use a shoulder to lean on, or a helping hand, or a kind word. We are a village going through the same thing no matter how different the situation.

So when you see a mom struggling, offer a kind word or helping hand. If you are talking with a mom about their parenting choices hear what she is saying. Take it in. Understand what she is saying. You don’t need to agree with her choices but you do need to respect that these are her choices. If you are staunchly against her choices make the conscious decision to not be a mom shamer and keep your mouth shut. Unless they choose to not vaccinate their children, then you should make the conscious decision to never bring your child around their child.

Death in the Family

Dec16

How do you explain death to a toddler? The conversations that I have had with my daughter over the past few days have been some of the hardest conversations I have had in my life. On December 12th my aunt passed away after suffering from a debilitating form of Palsy. For over a year we thought that she was suffering from Parkinson’s disease; however, we recently learned that she was in fact she was suffering from a form palsy. Over the past 2 years she declined quickly. It was a hard thing to witness but we handled it. Made sure we visited her as often as we could. Made sure that she came to all the family holiday celebrations. 

We also made sure that my daughter got to see her as much as possible. Family is the most important thing to me. I prefer to spend as much time as I can with my family. My biggest regret is that when my father died I did not have any pictures of him with his granddaughter. He was in and out of an assisted living facility and my daughter was only 3 months old when he died so I did not want to be bringing her into a place that could be contagious with germs at that age. I had never told her about her pop-pop dying since she was so young when it happened that I knew she didn’t remember him. 

When we realized that my aunt would not be getting better I started to prepare myself and her for the worst. I will admit that I use Daniel Tiger  to help me talk to her about different kinds of difficult situations and feelings. He is truly is the best teacher. There was an episode of the show in which Daniel’s fish dies and the entire episode is about things dying and how to handle those feelings of loss, confusion and acceptance. When we watched that episode she asked me if she knew anyone that had died. I used this as an opportunity to tell her about her pop-pop. She asked a lot of questions, which is only natural, but she seemed to take it in well. A few weeks later I had to tell her that Aunt Kathleen died. This hit her so much harder as she remembered her, remembered going to her house and spending time with her. She was very sad and again she asked a lot of questions. I did my best to answer them as honestly as possible in a way that a 4 yo could understand. Trying not to scare her I explained that she was very sick and the doctor’s could not fix her. I did not want to say that she went to sleep and didn’t wake up because I thought that would make her fear sleeping. I was just honest. I explained that we get a chance to say goodbye at the funeral and that she will either be buried or cremated. We are Catholic and so I explained her soul is now with God in Heaven (as we believe.) 

It was also difficult for me since I had just found out my aunt passed earlier that morning. As I was explaining to her I started to cry, which is natural. I didn’t hide my tears from her, I cried right in front of her. I wanted her to know that it is OK the cry and that even grown-ups cry. She told me they didn’t. What blew me away was that she tried to cry because I was crying. She wanted me to feel better and didn’t want me to “cry all by [my]self.’ 

In the days since she has asked questions and made some comments that tell me she is processing what I told her. She is doing her best to understand something that even adults struggle with. 

Living with Anxiety

Dec11

And so it begins…The sun sets and the knots in my stomach begin to grow larger than they were during the day. Let’s be honest, when you suffer from anxiety the knots are always there. In some way or another, they are there. Always nervous or concerned or anticipating or overwhelmed about what is going to happen that day, the night, that hour or that moment. This is how I live, in a constant state of worry. I worry about how my daughter is doing in school. She is a very active child, I would almost go so far as to say she may have ADHD, though I am no medical professional to diagnose that, but she seems to exhibit the signs and symptoms. It wouldn’t surprise me if she did have it, my whole family seems to have it. I worry about her ability to focus on anything, her ability to listen and I worry about her behavior. I worry about how she will handle the world when she grows up. I worry that I am not doing right by her as her mother. I worry that I am making the wrong decisions, that I am too strict or not strict enough. 

I worry about my marriage. Am I doing enough as a wife? I am doing too much or not enough? Is my husband happy? I worry that I will say or do something that will cause us to fight. I worry that we will fight and he will leave. I worry that I am not enough. I worry that we are not enough. I worry that our family is not enough. That our home is not enough.

I worry about my newborn son. He is only a week old but I worry about him already. Before he was born I would wake up in a cold sweat that something was wrong with him in my belly or that something would go wrong when I went into labor. Now I worry that he is not getting enough sleep. I worry that he is eating too much or not enough. I worry that he will wake up in the middle of the night and wake up everyone else in the house. I worry that when that happens my daughter will wake up and not go back to sleep and that my husband will get angry with us. 

I worry about my career. Am I in a career that I want to be in? Is it providing enough for me and my family? Am I doing my job well? Am I doing the very best that I can be doing everyday? What more can I be doing to excel at my job? What does my team need from me to succeed? 

I even worry about when I will die. It is my greatest fear. I worry about the day that I will no longer be on this earth to be with my family. I worry that it will happen way too early and that my husband and children will be left all alone. I worry that my time will come and my children will not be prepared for the world. I worry that my husband will not be OK without me. I worry that he WILL be OK without me. I worry that the world will forget me. I worry that my children will not have someone to look after them. 

I worry about my extended family. I worry about people that I have never met but have seen in passing or on TV or on a viral video online. I worry about so many things ALL OF THE TIME. And it is truly exhausting.

I use the term worry because it is the easiest way to make you understand the feelings and thoughts that are constantly running through my brain and my heart. All of these thoughts and feelings are not necessarily irrational. Most of them, to some degree, are pretty legitimate. I know that so many have had some of the same thoughts, fears, and worries. What makes it different for me is that fact that I cannot turn these feelings off. They constantly run through me. Run through my brain all day and at times all night. I have stopped sleeping well because my brain doesn’t fully shut off. In fact, the silence of night is when these thoughts are often the loudest. I know deep down that one fight will not cause my husband to leave, or the baby crying in the middle of the night will not make him angry. I know that I am doing the best that I can for my children and they will be grow to be strong, happy and healthy adults. But knowing that does not stop the fear and dread from creeping in just a little. That is just how anxiety works. I cannot control it. It just is. 

Living with anxiety is like living with giant knot in the pit of your stomach in constant fear that it will unravel and strangle you. 

Kinship

Dec8

Well I did it again! My beautiful son, Elliot, was born on Sunday, December 2nd and it just amazing already. Thank God he is healthy and happy. All the anxiety that I had throughout my 9 months was terrifying but apparently unnecessary. I delivered him in 44 minutes from when I started pushing, a huge change from my daughter, as I pushed for 2 hours and 45 minutes with her. The staff was absolutely amazing!

After delivery when I was finally taken to my room, a room I would not see the outside of for the next roughly 3 days. I asked my husband to stay in the hospital with me this time. When my daughter was born I told him he could home and I think that was my first mistake. With her I spent 3 days mostly alone in the hospital room. During the day it wasn’t so bad, I had some visitors, hospital staff in and out checking on me and Fiona, but at night when no one came in to check on us it got hard. I think that is part of the reason I had such bad postpartum depression. I pretty much started off as a mom all alone. 

This time I voiced what I needed. I asked for help. I am so lucky to have my mom so close by. She took Fiona the whole time I was in the hospital so that Harrison could stay by my side. Though I was nursing, and he couldn’t actually feed our new bundle of joy, at least I had someone to talk to. Even though I was up at night nursing Elliot, I could look over at the pull out cot and see my loving husband there, though asleep, to support me. 

That first day/night in the hospital with my new son, after the first round of hospital staff was in and out, after the first round of visitors had come and gone, I thought to myself, “I am so blessed. I have a beautiful new son, a beautiful daughter, a loving husband and an incredibly supportive family!” That is when I heard it! The screeching cry from the room next door! The screeching cry of an inconsolable baby. The constant wail from those tiny lungs. And I didn’t hear it just once. It was pretty consistent throughout our stay. All I could think was, “That poor mom! I do not know your story, but I have been there! I have been in your shoes! I know what you are going through and you can do this! I don’t know your precious baby’s story but he will be alright!” At that moment I said a prayer for her. A prayer for that mom with screeching baby and for every mom that is having a tough time of it. Sometimes all a mom or even dad needs to hear is, “You got this!’ One kind word, or even a prayer, goes a long way! If you see a parent struggling, give them a kind word. If you see a child throwing a tantrum in the middle of the mall, don’t stare. Give the parent a little acknowledgement that you understand what they are going through. Every family, every parent, every child has a story different from our own and what us parents need is kinship to make it through the day sometimes.