D.O.N.E.

I am done! Completely and totally! I legit cannot handle one more thing! 2020 sucked! I know that everyone is saying, “It brought me more time with my kids!” “We were able to get so much closer as a family unit!” “We need to be thankful for the blessings that we were given!” STOP IT! ok…just Stop It! Trying trying to look like the perfect parent, or the perfect employee, or the perfect whatever! Just stop and admit that 2020 SUCKED! There is so much about it that sucked! People were isolated in their homes, some without any contact to the outside world. Numerous businesses shut down (especially in my home state of NJ,) families were ripped apart at the seams as loved ones succumbed to this f*cking awful virus, there were riots in the streets because society cannot adult and discuss their differences and my anxiety freaking quadrupled.

We have been forced to be apart and separate for nearly 10 months. 10 MONTHS! The same amount of time it takes to grow an entire human within another human! 10 MONTHS! I am done! In my last post I wrote about how my husband and I both tested positive for COVID-19. Which sucks!

Well 2021 is not shaping up to be much better. My uncle passed away tonight. He went into liver failure (not related to COVID-19) and they had to take him off life support tonight. I cannot believe that it is true! He was just here at Thanksgiving eating and laughing with us (he was part of our circle) but now he is gone! He was the nicest man and would do anything for you! He helped us move into our new home in June mid pandemic because he could and we had no one else. He said, “This is family and that is what family does!” He was such a good man. He was alone in his hospital room because he had previously tested positive for COVID-19 and so he couldn’t have anyone with him. It sucks! I cannot comfort my family because I am in quarantine since I tested positive for COVID-19. It sucks!

Yes, there are many people in the country, even the world, that are dealing with similar things and situations and I feel so much empathy for them. I felt their pain and I felt their sorrow without ever having to go through it, but I am going through it now and it sucks!

But do you want to know the kicker…I am angry! I am more angry than I am sad. I mean I am devastated that he is gone but anger is the emotion that tops my radar at present. I am angry this virus exists. I am angry that I cannot go comfort my aunt that just lost her brother. I am angry that my kids cannot play with other kids at the park. I am angry that my Kindergartener has to learn how to read through Google Meet classes. I am angry that she didn’t get a preschool graduation. I am angry that my 2 year old has been living through a pandemic in quarantine almost as long as he been alive. I am angry that the politicians can’t put their own agendas aside to do what is best for the American people (that is supposed to be why they are in office right?) I am angry that I can’t invite my family over or go to bar or go to a restaurant without fear of catching, or passing, the virus. I am just angry!

I try so hard to put on a happy face for my kids. I don’t want them to see how much I am struggling with the world and everything that is happening. I don’t want their childhoods marred by my anxiety, depression and anger. I want them to have as many happy and amazing childhood memories as they possibly can. But each day it is getting harder and harder to fake it!

I said to my husband the other day that I do not know how the world will ever go back to the way it was before. I just don’t believe it is possible. I fear that we, as a civilization, will be separated and isolated from each other for eternity. I sadly don’t see us coming together as family for big, happy gatherings. I don’t see our kids making new friends at the park. I don’t see us talking with strangers on the subway. I just see more derision, more division and more isolation in our future and that makes me angry!!!

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