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Tech

Apr6

I noticed something today…well I have noticed it many time before now but today is when it really hit me. I was sitting in Wendy’s with my 4.5 year old daughter. We were eating lunch together. We just had added a baby to the family so we try to spend quality time together just her and I whenever we can. It is not easy with a 4 month old but we carve out the smallest amount of time whenever we can. Today it really hit me how much tech has taken over the lives of our youth.

My daughter has a tablet that has a bunch of games and shows on it. We have the parental controls set to give her a set amount of time each day, usually 1.5 hours. Once that time runs out the tablet shuts off until the next 7 am the next day. We even have it set to shut down at 7 pm to not cause issues at bedtime. She has completely gotten used to it and it helps limit the amount of screen time she gets. She also has rules that she needs to follow. No tablet at the table when we are eating, if someone speaks to her she must put the tablet down and engage them and we must approve any new game or show she wants to play/watch. She has done incredibly well with these rules.

While at Wendy’s she put her tablet aside to each her lunch and we engaged in conversation and silly play. We built her kid’s meal toy together and just bonded. As we were enjoying what little mommy-daughter time we get I noticed a family come in. It was 2 younger grandparents (maybe in their late 50’s) and 2 kids (roughly 8 and 10) and the entire time they were in Wendy’s the kid played on their devices, even while they ate. The grandparents spoke to each and the barely engaged the kids. I was blown away. But when I think about it, most places I go I see children on their devices keeping themselves isolated from their peers.

At the play area in the mall, a little girl was Snapchatting on the slide instead of playing with the numerous other children in the play area. But when I looked around I saw no less than a dozen parents with their heads buried in their phones and barely watching their children. I am guilty of it too. I find that if my 4.5yo is busy playing well with other children I use that time to check my email or my Instagram but we need to stop.

We, as parents, need to show our children that there is more to life than our tech. We need to teach our children how to interact with other people. We need to teach them how to ask anther kid if it is OK to play with them or even how to say “Hello! My name is …!” But most children cannot do that these days. We are letting our children down.

So parents, I implore you, put down your electronics and take the time to engage with your children. Teach them how to be intelligent, well-adjusted adults. Because if we keep going the way we are going our future is headed for a lonely and awkward future.

Shame!! Shame!!

Feb5

We all suffer from it. Whether it is self-inflicted or brought on by someone else’s judgement we all feel shame. We may be ashamed of something that happened in our past when were we young and inexperienced, we may be ashamed of something that someone close to us did that reflected poorly on our choice in associations, we may just be insecure and ashamed of it. But make no mistake, we ALL feel shame, and that is OK! What is not OK is shaming others. Judging people for the decisions they make based on their own lives and situations when we have no idea what their life is actually like.

Personally, I feel that Mom Shaming is the worst kind of shaming. Every mom (and every dad) is doing the absolute best they can do for their children with the resources they have. Whether they choose to breast or formula feed, rock their babies to sleep or let them cry it out, send their kids to daycare or stay at home. All of these decisions are made based on the resources, parenting beliefs and experiences of the parents making them. We do not know what their situation is, so who are we to judge them. A mom may be a breast cancer survivor that had a double mastectomy and cannot breast feed no matter how much they want to. A mom may want to formula feed because they cannot get over the debilitating postpartum depression but cannot because the cost it too high. A mom not be able to stay home because she needs to work to support her family. We do not know what the situation is but it is none of our business.

I try to never judge any person on this earth for the decisions they make, but especially other parents. I am certainly not perfect and there are times I find myself having that judgmental thought but when I catch myself I stop and ask that mom if there is anything I can do to help them in that moment if they look as if they are struggling. Or I offer a kind word of encouragement because let’s be honest we can all use more kind words offered to us on the regular. The kind words I offer could be the only kind words that mom has heard all day.

I was catching up with my friend Jamie yesterday, she recently had her son about 5 months ago and my second child is 2 months old. We were chatting about the difficulties of midnight feedings, strategies for sleeping, dealing with the incredible amount of weight that we moms deal with on a daily basis. We also talked about the joy our babies bring us, the smiles, the laughs, the coos, the looks of love and how all the hard parts are worth every stressful moment when they look at us. As we parted ways and made loose plans to be walking buddies she made a comment that hit me like a ton of bricks, “You can never have too many mom friends!” This is unbelievably true! We should not be breaking each other down but building each other up. We should be helping each other make it through the day if need be. We are all moms that could use a shoulder to lean on, or a helping hand, or a kind word. We are a village going through the same thing no matter how different the situation.

So when you see a mom struggling, offer a kind word or helping hand. If you are talking with a mom about their parenting choices hear what she is saying. Take it in. Understand what she is saying. You don’t need to agree with her choices but you do need to respect that these are her choices. If you are staunchly against her choices make the conscious decision to not be a mom shamer and keep your mouth shut. Unless they choose to not vaccinate their children, then you should make the conscious decision to never bring your child around their child.

Death in the Family

Dec16

How do you explain death to a toddler? The conversations that I have had with my daughter over the past few days have been some of the hardest conversations I have had in my life. On December 12th my aunt passed away after suffering from a debilitating form of Palsy. For over a year we thought that she was suffering from Parkinson’s disease; however, we recently learned that she was in fact she was suffering from a form palsy. Over the past 2 years she declined quickly. It was a hard thing to witness but we handled it. Made sure we visited her as often as we could. Made sure that she came to all the family holiday celebrations. 

We also made sure that my daughter got to see her as much as possible. Family is the most important thing to me. I prefer to spend as much time as I can with my family. My biggest regret is that when my father died I did not have any pictures of him with his granddaughter. He was in and out of an assisted living facility and my daughter was only 3 months old when he died so I did not want to be bringing her into a place that could be contagious with germs at that age. I had never told her about her pop-pop dying since she was so young when it happened that I knew she didn’t remember him. 

When we realized that my aunt would not be getting better I started to prepare myself and her for the worst. I will admit that I use Daniel Tiger  to help me talk to her about different kinds of difficult situations and feelings. He is truly is the best teacher. There was an episode of the show in which Daniel’s fish dies and the entire episode is about things dying and how to handle those feelings of loss, confusion and acceptance. When we watched that episode she asked me if she knew anyone that had died. I used this as an opportunity to tell her about her pop-pop. She asked a lot of questions, which is only natural, but she seemed to take it in well. A few weeks later I had to tell her that Aunt Kathleen died. This hit her so much harder as she remembered her, remembered going to her house and spending time with her. She was very sad and again she asked a lot of questions. I did my best to answer them as honestly as possible in a way that a 4 yo could understand. Trying not to scare her I explained that she was very sick and the doctor’s could not fix her. I did not want to say that she went to sleep and didn’t wake up because I thought that would make her fear sleeping. I was just honest. I explained that we get a chance to say goodbye at the funeral and that she will either be buried or cremated. We are Catholic and so I explained her soul is now with God in Heaven (as we believe.) 

It was also difficult for me since I had just found out my aunt passed earlier that morning. As I was explaining to her I started to cry, which is natural. I didn’t hide my tears from her, I cried right in front of her. I wanted her to know that it is OK the cry and that even grown-ups cry. She told me they didn’t. What blew me away was that she tried to cry because I was crying. She wanted me to feel better and didn’t want me to “cry all by [my]self.’ 

In the days since she has asked questions and made some comments that tell me she is processing what I told her. She is doing her best to understand something that even adults struggle with. 

Living with Anxiety

Dec11

And so it begins…The sun sets and the knots in my stomach begin to grow larger than they were during the day. Let’s be honest, when you suffer from anxiety the knots are always there. In some way or another, they are there. Always nervous or concerned or anticipating or overwhelmed about what is going to happen that day, the night, that hour or that moment. This is how I live, in a constant state of worry. I worry about how my daughter is doing in school. She is a very active child, I would almost go so far as to say she may have ADHD, though I am no medical professional to diagnose that, but she seems to exhibit the signs and symptoms. It wouldn’t surprise me if she did have it, my whole family seems to have it. I worry about her ability to focus on anything, her ability to listen and I worry about her behavior. I worry about how she will handle the world when she grows up. I worry that I am not doing right by her as her mother. I worry that I am making the wrong decisions, that I am too strict or not strict enough. 

I worry about my marriage. Am I doing enough as a wife? I am doing too much or not enough? Is my husband happy? I worry that I will say or do something that will cause us to fight. I worry that we will fight and he will leave. I worry that I am not enough. I worry that we are not enough. I worry that our family is not enough. That our home is not enough.

I worry about my newborn son. He is only a week old but I worry about him already. Before he was born I would wake up in a cold sweat that something was wrong with him in my belly or that something would go wrong when I went into labor. Now I worry that he is not getting enough sleep. I worry that he is eating too much or not enough. I worry that he will wake up in the middle of the night and wake up everyone else in the house. I worry that when that happens my daughter will wake up and not go back to sleep and that my husband will get angry with us. 

I worry about my career. Am I in a career that I want to be in? Is it providing enough for me and my family? Am I doing my job well? Am I doing the very best that I can be doing everyday? What more can I be doing to excel at my job? What does my team need from me to succeed? 

I even worry about when I will die. It is my greatest fear. I worry about the day that I will no longer be on this earth to be with my family. I worry that it will happen way too early and that my husband and children will be left all alone. I worry that my time will come and my children will not be prepared for the world. I worry that my husband will not be OK without me. I worry that he WILL be OK without me. I worry that the world will forget me. I worry that my children will not have someone to look after them. 

I worry about my extended family. I worry about people that I have never met but have seen in passing or on TV or on a viral video online. I worry about so many things ALL OF THE TIME. And it is truly exhausting.

I use the term worry because it is the easiest way to make you understand the feelings and thoughts that are constantly running through my brain and my heart. All of these thoughts and feelings are not necessarily irrational. Most of them, to some degree, are pretty legitimate. I know that so many have had some of the same thoughts, fears, and worries. What makes it different for me is that fact that I cannot turn these feelings off. They constantly run through me. Run through my brain all day and at times all night. I have stopped sleeping well because my brain doesn’t fully shut off. In fact, the silence of night is when these thoughts are often the loudest. I know deep down that one fight will not cause my husband to leave, or the baby crying in the middle of the night will not make him angry. I know that I am doing the best that I can for my children and they will be grow to be strong, happy and healthy adults. But knowing that does not stop the fear and dread from creeping in just a little. That is just how anxiety works. I cannot control it. It just is. 

Living with anxiety is like living with giant knot in the pit of your stomach in constant fear that it will unravel and strangle you. 

Kinship

Dec8

Well I did it again! My beautiful son, Elliot, was born on Sunday, December 2nd and it just amazing already. Thank God he is healthy and happy. All the anxiety that I had throughout my 9 months was terrifying but apparently unnecessary. I delivered him in 44 minutes from when I started pushing, a huge change from my daughter, as I pushed for 2 hours and 45 minutes with her. The staff was absolutely amazing!

After delivery when I was finally taken to my room, a room I would not see the outside of for the next roughly 3 days. I asked my husband to stay in the hospital with me this time. When my daughter was born I told him he could home and I think that was my first mistake. With her I spent 3 days mostly alone in the hospital room. During the day it wasn’t so bad, I had some visitors, hospital staff in and out checking on me and Fiona, but at night when no one came in to check on us it got hard. I think that is part of the reason I had such bad postpartum depression. I pretty much started off as a mom all alone. 

This time I voiced what I needed. I asked for help. I am so lucky to have my mom so close by. She took Fiona the whole time I was in the hospital so that Harrison could stay by my side. Though I was nursing, and he couldn’t actually feed our new bundle of joy, at least I had someone to talk to. Even though I was up at night nursing Elliot, I could look over at the pull out cot and see my loving husband there, though asleep, to support me. 

That first day/night in the hospital with my new son, after the first round of hospital staff was in and out, after the first round of visitors had come and gone, I thought to myself, “I am so blessed. I have a beautiful new son, a beautiful daughter, a loving husband and an incredibly supportive family!” That is when I heard it! The screeching cry from the room next door! The screeching cry of an inconsolable baby. The constant wail from those tiny lungs. And I didn’t hear it just once. It was pretty consistent throughout our stay. All I could think was, “That poor mom! I do not know your story, but I have been there! I have been in your shoes! I know what you are going through and you can do this! I don’t know your precious baby’s story but he will be alright!” At that moment I said a prayer for her. A prayer for that mom with screeching baby and for every mom that is having a tough time of it. Sometimes all a mom or even dad needs to hear is, “You got this!’ One kind word, or even a prayer, goes a long way! If you see a parent struggling, give them a kind word. If you see a child throwing a tantrum in the middle of the mall, don’t stare. Give the parent a little acknowledgement that you understand what they are going through. Every family, every parent, every child has a story different from our own and what us parents need is kinship to make it through the day sometimes. 

The Village

Nov4

There is so much truth to the phrase “It takes a village!” It truly does. My daughter has just turned 4 years old and I am 9 months pregnant with my son. I had two birthday parties for Fi because I have a large family and lots of friends and I just could not fit everyone in one party. So I did what any logical and sane expectant mother would do, I had two! One for family and one for friends!

I have always been the person that doesn’t ask for help! I always need to do things on my own! I feel bad asking people for help, like it actually hurts me to ask for help. I have high anxiety and I never want to put anyone out. But this past week celebrating my baby girl just proved to me that is really does take a village. There is no way I could have thrown two parties and tackled Halloween, because why not have a holiday thrown in the mix, without the help of my family and friends. They helped me clean, set up, pick up food, take care of disasters that had occurred (like a wine spill all over my living room and the birthday girl,) and giving out cake and leftovers at the end of the parties. I honestly don’t know how I would have made Fi’s birthday so special!

I probably didn’t need to go all out but right after turning 4 her baby brother is going to be born and her world is going to be forever changed. It will no longer be just mommy, Appa and her. She will no longer have our undivided attention and with her personality I know that it will be hard for her. So I think that is why I went all out. One last hurrah before she becomes a big sister. Sorta of like a bachelorette party before the big day lol. But I wanted her to have this before everything changes.

I know that it is changing for the better, as does she, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t a lot for a 4 year old. I am just glad that I was able to last without going into labor until after her week long birthday celebration. I knew that I could not do that to her since she was so excited to celebrate being a big girl 4 year old!

As all of this was happening I was just in awe and amazement at my friends and family that went out of their way to help me. They MADE me sit and rest and just shout out orders to them while they did everything! You never realize what amazing people you have in your life until you don’t even realize that you need them! They step up and show you just how much you matter to them! If you have a village, embrace them, have some wine and know that you are loved. If you don’t have a village, find one, or hell join mine! I think I have the best village out there. I know that any one of them would drop everything for me if I needed them and they know that I would do the same for them! Here’s to the village because every mom needs hers!

Evil Mother

Oct21

Have you ever had that moment when you feel like the worst mother in the world? I am sure that you have! You tell yourself that you are doing the right thing. That you are teaching them how to behave in the world. But when all is said and done you feel horrible! Well today was that day for me, and believe it was not the first time, but this is the first time when I feel like I have crossed the line. My daughter is turning 4 in about a week but she already acts like she is 8. She has the attitude, the swagger and the brains. She is ridiculously smart. Yes, she is my daughter and I am supposed to think that but many people tell that she is way ahead of her years. I am the mom and does homework with her every night, even when school does not send any home. I turn everything into a teachable moment and when she asks a question I give her a real and honest answer. She asked me why it rains. So I googled it and we talked about how the weather works. She told me she was disappointed that she couldn’t read so I began working with her every night to learn her letters, sounds and sight words. I struggled a great deal in school and I don’t want that for her. So I began with her at a young age. People think I am crazy, my Aunt thinks that I am doing too much. When she gets upset we sit and talk about it. We talk about what happened, how she is feeling, why she feels that way and what we can do to feel better. I am doing my best to raise a well rounded child. I set limits, I say no and I don’t treat her as my friend. Most of the time things go well. Not perfect but for the most part there is little yelling and just a few tears. But then, there are the days when nothing works. No amount of talking, calming, soothing, reasoning, explaining, or yelling (from her or me) works.

Today, we went to the mall because it has gotten cold and they have an indoor kid’s play area that she loves. She was hogging on of the activities so I told her needed to get down and share with the other children. She did not want to so her father went to talk to her about it and she MELTED DOWN! Right in the middle of the play area, screaming, crying, hyperventilating and anything else you can imagine. Now I know that when a kid acting like that you need to give them a minute to process and calm down. You need to let them work through it on their own because the are in no condition to understand anything you are going to say to them. But that is exactly when all the dirty looks come from the other parents, and the stares and the shaming and the shaking of heads. So I try to reason with her and I try to calm her down which just makes it worse. Her father then spanks her bottom, just 1x to snap her out of it, and we get even more looks. (I am not looking for an argument on spanking vs not spanking.) She finally calms down and we leave to finish the things we need to do the rest of the day. However, we did tell her that she lost her screen time for the rest of the day, no TV and no tablet.

Cut to this evening. My MIL now lives in Georgia (we are in New Jersey) and has to Skype with us to see her granddaughter. Well, we apparently interrupted Fi during her “play time” when Fi is the one that asked to call her. She got an attitude with me and so her father put her in time out and I hung up the call. She MELTED DOWN AGAIN! Just like in the mall but this time add in kicking the floor and throwing her toys. It was insane. I screamed “No!” louder than I think I ever have before but this went on for about 15 minutes. Finally, she calmed down and we talked about what happened and why she didn’t listen and why she gave me attitude. We took showers and got ready for bed.

Normally, she has a story and a song every night before bed.  She had already lost her screen time and her father decided that her further behavior warranted no story. So we told her no story and had a conversation about why she was losing her story. I explained how important it is to listen to us when we ask her to do something, tell her to stop doing something or reprimand her. I explained that she lost her story because she didn’t listen but she could still have her song but we needed to get ready for bed. Instead of getting ready for bed she proceeded to play with a balloon animal balloon and refused to put it away. I asked her 3 times and told her that play time was over and it was time for bed. She responded with, “No it is not over and it is not time for bed!” This is where is lost it. I took the balloon and popped it right in front of her. In that moment I heard her heart break and my anxiety skyrocket. I heard my inner voice say, “I CANNOT believe you just did that! You crushed her soul!” I walked out of the room and into the living room and sobbed. I felt like the worst mother in the world. After a few minutes in her room she came out still sobbing. She came to me to cuddle and repeated over and over, “I want a noodle balloon! I won’t have one for tomorrow! How can I get another one? I don’t have another one!” Which just made me feel worse. After she finally calmed down enough for us to talk, her father asked her if she learned her lesson. She said, “Yes, I need to listen better.” Then she looked me dead in the eye and said, “Did you learn your lesson?” I replied, “I didn’t need to learn a lesson.” She then said, “Yes you did. You need to learn not to pop balloons when we can’t get another one!” It was so hard to hold back the tears because I did not want her to see me crying. We all calmed down and she got into bed, sang her song with dad and went to bed.

I feel like I crossed a line popping that balloon. I feel like I could have done better, chosen a different response, just taken it away and hid it but I didn’t! I popped it right in front of her and now she cannot get it back later when she is better behaved. My husband agreed with what I did. He told me that if I hadn’t done it he was going to but my husband is a little bit cold-hearted. He wanted to break the tablet in half that my mother bought her for her birthday last year but I wouldn’t let him. I just wish there was a way to know if you are doing the right thing! A way to know if you are being a good parent and raising them well. Sadly, there isn’t so I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens when she becomes an adult is out in the world on her own. I guess I just have to pray for the best!

Double Standard

Oct20

Recently, I have been reading a lot about how white children should not be allowed to dress up as Black Panther or Moana or any other “ethnic” character because it is considered racist. REALLY???? Many of these “characters” are not real. They are fiction. Yes, some are based on real people but they are fiction characters.

Charles Caleb Colton, in Lacon: or, Many things in few words, 1820 said “Imitation is the sincerest of flattery.” These are children that want nothing more than to dress up as their favorite character or superhero on the one night of the year that they can. They just want to idolize their favorite character or superhero. They want to emulate them. They aren’t mocking them or attacking their message or lesson. They want to BE LIKE THEM!

My daughter is half Korean and half white. What these people are telling me is that the only people my daughter can admire and dress as is someone who is half Korean and half white. She chose to be Owlette for Halloween. She adores her for her bravery, for her powers and for her ability to fight for what is right. These are amazing qualities for my 4 year old to admire and want to emulate. There is no way in hell I am going to tell my daughter that she cannot dress as Owlette because my daughter is half Asian and Owlette may or may not be. Because that is what this new argument/campaign is saying. Children can only dress as the characters that are the same race/ethnicity as they are. So white children cannot dress as Black Panther (a fictional character created by a bunch of white men in the 1960’s) or as Moana, so then by the same token black or Asian or Hispanic children should not dress up as Captain America or Iron Man. But no one would dare say that. It is perfectly acceptable to tell white children who they can and cannot dress as, but no one would dare say anything like to a child that is African American or Asian or Hispanic or anything other than white.

I am so sick of the double standard. I am a white woman. My husband is Korean (like off the boat Korean) and so my daughter and future son are half white and half Korean. I am sick of feeling bad because I was born white. I am sick of people telling me that I am terrible person because I am white. That I am not allowed to do things because I am white. How is that not racist? I do not believe in judging a book by its cover. There are just as many asshole white people as there African American, Asian, Hispanic and every other race/ethnicity but no one speaks about that. It is just “all white people are evil and they owe everyone else everything.” I am tired of it. I don’t owe you shit. I never did anything to offend, oppress, insult or hurt you and I will be damned if I am going to apologize for something I didn’t do just because I am white. There are way too many sensitive people in this world that get butt hurt over everything. Toughen up and maybe society can actually grow and solve some of the bigger problems that it is facing like poverty and homelessness instead who is hurt over what.

My kid can dress as whomever she damn well pleases and I won’t apologize for it.

Navigating

Oct19

We have all been there. We have all had that moment as a parent when your child is playing and something happens with another kid. And be honest, you secretly hope it is your kid doing it because that is the easier situation to deal with. You correct, reprimand or redirect your child, apologize to the other parent and move on. But how do you handle it when the fault is on the other kid? We had that moment today. We were at the mall in the kid’s play area near the food court. This is my nearly four year old daughter’s favorite place to go. And to be honest, it is also kind of mine as well. I can grab a venti iced latte and have a seat on the soft benches while my kid plays to her heart’s content in an enclosed area. No need to worry about the weather because we are inside. She gets hungry there is a Chick-Fil-A and a taco place right there. Need a change of clothes because she dumped Polynesian sauce all over her pants, no problem, Children’s Place is right downstairs.

Today, however, this was not her favorite place to be. Hubs and I were sitting at a table right on the outside of the play area watching her play and discussing school options for the next school year. You know, because we can’t have adult conversations unless she is distracted. She climbs up on the bench and leans over the wall to tell us that a little boy pushed her and it upset her. So we talked about it. She pointed to him and he was a least half her age, maybe even younger. I explained to her that he is a baby and he probably has not learned yet how to behave with other children. He is still learning not to push and to take turns. She understood but told me she needed a few minutes before she could go back and play. (We talk about how we process our feelings and that it is OK if you need time to process before you continue with what you were doing.) I was very proud of her for recognizing she needed time.

So for the next 5 minutes she leaned over the wall talking to us and playing with Billy & Tracey (her lovies that were once part of her Wubanub binkie when she was a baby.) When all of a sudden I look from my husband to her to see the same little boy, half her age, hitting her on the head and on her shoulders and she starts screaming crying. I completely expected hubs to freak out on the kid. However, he just said, “Hey! No!” and went to find the child’s parent. When he did find him he was sitting on the ground, with his nose in his phone while his 3 children were running and screeching throughout the play area. Hubs said, “Your child is hitting my daughter repeatedly so could please keep a closer eye on him?” I was very proud that he stayed as calm as he did because I probably would have lost it (especially with all my pregnancy hormones raging right now.) Thankfully the dad came over and spoke to him. However, my daughter is now inconsolable. She is sobbing that this little boy was hitting her, she doesn’t understand why and does not want to play anymore because she is afraid that another kid is going to hit her.

She finally calmed down when another parent who was sitting near us and saw that whole thing, introduced his daughter to Fi and asked if they wanted to play together. Fi was very excited to do so. She loves to make new friends. The two played very well for the next 15 minutes until the little girl had to leave. As they were playing, I watched the father chase his 3 kids around, especially the little boy, because they were just so rambunctious. The little boy was pushing and hitting many of the other children as well and the dad had to keep scolding him. One parent of a different girl that he pushed/hit said, “Do not let him push you like that! You push him back!” Finally, the family left and Fi felt comfortable to go play by herself again.

I said to my husband that we don’t know that boy’s situation. Maybe he has some difficulties in social settings. Maybe he is non-verbal and does not know how to express himself. Maybe he is delayed. Or maybe he is brat. There could be any number of things going on, we just don’t know because that is not our family. I try to be patient and understanding but when it comes to my own child everything changes. How do you explain to your child when they are barely 4 years old why another child is hitting them when they did nothing to provoke it? How do you calm the fear and anxiety that suddenly arises from it, she doesn’t want to play anymore because any kid might hit her again? Navigating the world of parenting is so difficult and scary. You never know if you are doing or saying the right thing. You want to teach them to stand up for themselves but you also want to be sure they are being kind and respectful at the same time. It is such a fine line. All we can do is our best and hope it is enough.

Full on Exorcist Twist

Jan2

Welcome to 2018! It is only the 2nd day of the new year and I have already had it! My personal inner resolution WAS to be calmer this year! Lower my cholesterol, try not to scream so much, eat healthier and not lose my cool! Welp…3 of the 4 those things are out the door already (and who knows my cholesterol could be up and I just don’t know it!)

We were having a nice dinner that I made in the InstantPot and AirFryer, Fiona was watching her show after eating her dinner, we were relaxed and eating healthy. Things were looking good! Then it was time for a Fi to brush her teeth! She refused! I stayed calm and nice and tried to negotiate, because all parenting a pre-schooler really consists of is honing your negotiation skills to the point of perfection!

Turns out I still need a little more practice. After making her cry and throwing her book across the room (I did the throwing because she tried to take it from me) I brushed her teeth and put her pjs on her. I chose princess pjs but she wanted Elsa. Too bad kid, you should have done what I asked. She screamed in her bed for a good 5 minutes. That’s when I heard her run across the room! We don’t get out of bed when we are in trouble in my house. When I told her to get back into bed she responded with “NO!!!!!!” Well… that sent me into a tailspin! I grabbed every single one of her dolls (she sleeps with quite a few) and took them all out of her room!

Enter the best impression of Linda Blair, minus the pea soup vomit, I have ever seen from a child! We were full on possessed! I am talking speaking in tongues, head twitching side to side, high pitched wales, body contortions that would make Cirque Du Soleil look like amateur hour, rolling, kicking, grabbing, biting, throwing, and finally exhaustion!

When the demon had left her body we were able to talk so she could understand why she was in trouble and why I took her dolls away. She told me it was because she didn’t listen! Whew, that was close! She got it right! I let her pick 2 dolls to take to bed with her but I told her she had to earn the rest back by listening and doing what she is told! She seemed to understand. But we will see how long it lasts!

When I finally put her to bed, with no story, no song, pjs she didn’t want to wear and only 2 dolls she still said she loved me! Once she was in bed I walked into the living room and sobbed! Right on my couch into my husband’s chest! I sobbed because she was so sad and upset when I yelled at her. I sobbed because I was exhausted. I sobbed because I felt like a terrible mother for upsetting her. I sobbed because I have no idea what I am doing. I sobbed because I didn’t cave and stuck to my guns! I sobbed because the weight of the responsibility of raising a human is sometimes too much to take. And I sobbed because after all that she still loved me!

After all those emotions running so high, I ended the night with a huge piece of my Aunt’s pudding pie because sometime you just have to! Being a mother is hands down the hardest job in the world. There are no instructions, no one telling you that you are making the right decisions, you could be completely screwing up and ruining your kid’s life! You are constantly tired, stressed, messy and lost but I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world.