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Vacation…(as a mom)

Aug28

I have been looking forward to this vacation since we booked it months ago. I could not wait to get away for everything and relax. Sit on the beach, lounge around at the beach house, wake up late, eat so much yummy food and not worry about anything! What I have come to realize though is…As a mom you never truly get a vacation!

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Our first morning here my 2.5 yr old completely leaked through her diaper all over the bed! Thankfully there is a washer and dryer in the house that we rented. We had to wash everything and clean it all up. After visiting with some friends we headed to the beach. We get settled with our spot all set up, Fiona starts playing in the sand with Harrison and I get comfy in my chair. I look at my mom after 5 minutes and say “this is nice,” at that exact moment Harrison’s exclaims, “Uhh I think I need to go back to house!” Fiona, playing in the sand throws sand directly into his face. Not on purpose but it stills sucks. So now he can’t see anything and I have to guide him back to the house to get his eyes cleaned out. IMG_2414.jpg

Later that night we head out to the boardwalk for dinner and rides. We stop at this little place on the boards, Angelo’s which I highly recommend, and as I am placing my order, Fiona spills my entire 16oz water ALL OVER ME! I am soaked! She gets upset and starts to cry. We calm her down after I dry off and we eat our meal.

Many people would look at all of those things that happened and think, “Oh man this vacation is not a vacation at all. Things just keep going wrong!” But what I have come to realize is that all of those little mishaps do not ruin your vacation they enhance it. These are little things that happen that make it memorable. They make the amazing parts of your vacation that much more wonderful. When we returned to the beach after cleaning out Harrison’s eyes we had a blast in the ocean teaching Fiona how to use a Boogie Board. After the water incident we watching Fiona eat a salad and cheese ravioli with such pleasure because she loves food. IMG_3925.jpg

At first she was terrified to go on the rides at the boardwalk and we thought we had wasted our money on the ride tickets, but she overcame her fear and had the best time riding with me and Harrison. Our first two days of vacation had its share of ups and downs but it has been an amazing time so far! IMG_3953.jpg

So remember, all those little things that you think ruin a vacation, or a party, or an event, really enhance it…it all depends on your perspective!

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Half a year…Gone!

May14

I cannot believe that so much time has passed. It feels like it was only yesterday…it was only yesterday that I did not have a care in the world…only yesterday that I could come and go as I pleased without having to answer to anyone or even worry about anyone else…only yesterday that I could sleep in and get out of bed whenever I felt like it. But it wasn’t only yesterday…it has been 6 months. That is right…it is 6 months since my little love, Fiona, Fiona was born. I cannot believe that has been half a year already. She has gotten so big and developed so much right before my eyes. From the day she was born she took everything in. Her eyes wide at the wonderment of the world. So many times I would look at her and wonder how the world look to her, through her eyes. How did she perceive me? Her father? Her room? A tree? The sun? Things that I see everyday and take for granted that they are there. When I was putting her to bed tonight she looked around the room at each thing and took it all it. She paused as she looked at each item, studying it…the Hello Kitty decals on her wall, the Sailor Moon Box Set on her shelf, the stuffed animals all over. I am blown away every time I watch her learn something new, see something or do something new. It is truly a miracle to witness each of these milestones. Photo

She is so intent on learning different things and keeping up with those around her. Her cousin is 3 months older than her so he is already crawling on all fours, pulling himself up and trying to walk. Well my little daredevil does not want to be left behind, She is already trying to pull herself up to walk…well run I should say. She is going to give me a run for my money when she is finally fully mobile.

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I cannot believe that in 6 short months she has learned so much!

Month 1

She slept nearly 18 hours a day and ate the other 6. At least it felt like it. She held my hand for the first time, though I am pretty sure she did not mean to do it! I cuddled her every minute that I could.She was so little and innocent. She just laid there and she was so adorable you could just eat her up.

So precious!

So precious!

Month 2

She slept a little less and ate a little more. This is the point when it really hit me that I am responsible for her. Me!!!!…and her daddy…but still! I am responsible for the life of another human being!!! WTF was I thinking! This is also when the anxiety and slight postpartum depression hit. But not matter how sad or tired I was she still always smiled at me! Happy to be with me and happy to have me as her mother!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Month 3

This month was not too bad! We had settled into a routine and things were looking up! But then 2015 hit, I went back to work and all hell broke loose! Fi decided that she did not want to sleep or eat or sleep! We also realized that Fi has a slight milk protein allergy and eczema. We had to switch to hypoallergenic formula. The formula pretty much went right through her and she was ALWAYS hungry! It was a rough time and my anxiety went through the roof! I did seek help and am doing great now!

Bishop Eustace Here I Come!

Bishop Eustace Here I Come!

Month 4

By 3.5 months she was eating 30-35 ounces of formula a day! This month we decided to sleep train and start solid foods! We began with baby rice cereal, which she loved, and then moved on to stage 1 baby food. We followed the advice and only gave her 1 new food every 3 days. She had a reaction or two in the beginning but overall she did great! Fi started daycare when she turned 4 months old as well! I love daycare! They put her on a schedule and really helped with the “I want to be held at ALL times” problem! Many people bad mouth daycare but I think it is the best thing EVER! This is also when Fi started to roll over and develop her personality! Rolling to her side and solid food really helped her sleep. But I think it was more the fact that she could sleep on her side. She is not a back sleeper.

Nananana!

Nananana!

Month 5

This is when things really started to get fun! I completed my counselling and was now able to really enjoy my daughter. I hated the fact that I was so anxious and having such issues that I didn’t want to come home from work. But by this point things were looking great! Fi started rolling to her tummy to sleep and this made an even bigger difference. She began sleeping through the night! That was just bliss!

I have my ball!

I have my ball!

Month 6

This is now the month we are currently in and I just can’t believe that my little girl is 6 months old! She is crawling on her belly, sitting by herself, holding her own bottle and already trying to stand up! We are moving her to stage 2 food!

I am a big girl now!

I am a big girl now!

They say to enjoy it when they are little because you blink and they are in college, or getting married, or moving out! It is so true! Half a year is gone and my head is spinning is has gone by so fast!

Insecurity

Feb15

Right now it is 7:27pm on Sunday night of the Oscars. The Oscars are my favorite award show ever. I have not missed a broadcast in the past 15 years.  Tonight I will break that streak. I am lying in bed hoping to fall asleep by 8pm. So that when my 3.5 month old daughter inevitably wakes up at 2am I will be able to get up with her to give my husband a break. She has decided that she hates sleep. They are not friends and are currently seeing other people. So when she wakes up at 2am and it takes 2.5 hours to get her back to sleep I will have gotten some rest.

There is a very large part of me that cannot believe I have a child. I cannot believe I thought this was a good idea. I can’t function properly on less than 7 hours of sleep a night, I am OCD about getting things done around the house and I have recently come to realize that I am incredibly selfish. I never thought that I was.  I always believed myself to be a giving person. Someone who would go out of their way to help their friend, neighbor or someone in need. But apparently I was mistaken. I find myself not wanting to get up in the middle of the night, not wanting to stay up to put her to bed and excited to go to work so that I have to fight with her to take a nap. I am a terrible person and I feel like a terrible mother.

I find myself second guessing myself all the time; Is this right? Is she hungry? Should I get her to nap? Is it too early to put her to bed? Why won’t she sleep? Why won’t she stop crying? How do I help her? How do I make her happy? I know that were it not for my husband I would not be able to do this. In fact, there are times when I still don’t think I can do this even with his help.

I keep telling myself that it will get better when she is 3 months, 4months, 6 months, eating solid food, walking, talking, etc. I keep praying that the next milestone will come and make it easier but then it will all be over. She will be a teenager and my little girl will be all grown up. I pray everyday for the strength and the patience to be a good mother. To raise her well but I fear that I won’t be able to. I fear that my stress and fear will consume me. I try to relax and take time for myself. I take classes at the gym and go to church and try to spend time with family and friends but being a parent is hardest thing I have ever tried to do and I fear I am failing.

I just wish that it would all be alright. Are these fears and insecurities normal? Am I losing my mind or have all new parents felt this way at one time or another?

M.O.M.

Feb8

My dear daughter has reached her 100 days milestone. This is a big deal in the Korean culture (may daughter is half Korean.) Basically, it means she has reached the point where she is considered safe and healthy.

During these 100 days I have a lot of time to think.  One conclusion that I have come with all this thinking
that I have been doing is that the word mom is not short for mother.  I have come to the realization that mom is M.O.M, an acronym for Master Of Most, and GrandM.O.M is Grand Master Of Most.  When it comes to children most things can only be fixed by  M.O.M. My husband and I were trying to get Fiona to sleep. She fights us likes crazy. He has been home with her for the past 3 weeks and has 3 more to go. This means I get to go to bed early and he gets up with her in the middle of night. Just like I did while I was on leave and he was working.  The one night I put Fiona down and she went to sleep.  An hour and a half later she woke up. Dear hubby got up with her and tried so hard to get her back to sleep. Two hours later, a still screaming Fiona had poor hubby at his wits end, hair in hands and all. I got up and let him go to bed. Within 30 minutes I had her calm and sleeping in her rock and play, although her crib would have been ideal. The next morning he came into the living room (I was sleeping on the couch with her in the rock and play) and asked if she was up all night. To which I responded, “Nope!”  He looked at me with sad eyes and said, “Oh, she hates me! I tried so hard!” That is when it hit me. M.O.M is the master of most because only M.O.M can fix most problems. Not that M.O.M is any better than dad.

There are so many times only M.O.M can kiss a boo boo. Only M.O.M can take the pain away. Only M.O.M can quiet the screams. I said to my dear hubby, “she doesn’t hate you. There are just times when only M.O.M will do!

It is not passing!!!

Feb1

So it seems that the major mantra of parents is “This too shall pass.” But what I have noticed since becoming a mom is that nothing actually passes. Every time something funky goes on with Fiona I am told “this too shall pass” but then something else happens. Again, I am told “this too shall pass.” Is this just what people say to parents so that they don’t lose their minds from sleep deprivation? It’s like when people say “every baby is different.” No shit every baby is different. Every person is different. If we were different then we would all be clones and life would be boring. I need a reason for most things. I need to know why something is happening. If my daughter starts acting different from how she normally acts I want to know why. I understand that is a lot to ask because there is not always a straight answer for what is going on but that doesn’t change my desperate need to know “why” or “is she OK” or “she is possessed and I should call a priest.”

No one really prepares your for all these crazy little changes that happen when you have a baby. They tell you it will be “hard” but they are not really telling you the truth. In fact they are down right lying. Parenting is not “hard” it is damn near impossible. The crying for reasons unknown because they can’t tell you, the lack of sleep due to the crying for reasons unknown, the inability to function properly due to the lack of the sleep due to the crying for reasons unknown. I mean it is crazy.

I am incredibly lucky to have the support system that I have. My husband is home from work for 6 weeks not that I am back to work. So he can stay up with her when she won’t sleep and get in the middle of the night when she wakes up screaming (for reasons unknown). My mother lives 2.5 minutes from my house and comes over pretty often to check in and help us out. I also have a an aunt near by that watches Fiona so that we run to the doctor, or run errands, or hell even go to the gym to have a few minutes to ourselves. I honestly can not fathom how single parents are able to do this on their own. I have a new found respect for single parents that are able to do this early part on their own. I know that without the amazing people I have supporting me I know that I would totally lose my mind and screw up my kid.

Return to Normal?

Jan25

I have now officially returned to work. My daughter is now 12 weeks old and I spent those 12 weeks out on maternity leave, some paid and some unpaid. I was able to be home with my daughter for her first Halloween (althoughwe were still in the hospital since she was born on 10/30), her first Thanksgiving, her first Christmas and her first New Year’s  Eve. I was home to cuddle with my little one, kiss her toes and snuggle her cheeks. I nursed her in the beginning and then moved her to formula (breastfeeding was not right for us), I changed all of her diapers and gave her baths. I would love to say that I loved every minute of it, but then I would lying. I love MOST of it. I was happy to have that time with her but when my 12 weeks was up I was ready to go back to work. I am a very social person and I am not the type that can be a stay at home. I give so much credit to those that can but I could never do it. I need to be out and about with other adults, dealing with things not related to my children. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter more than anything but I also believe that parents need to have lives that don’t revolve around their children 24/7. Yes, 90% of the time your life should be about your children but you need that 10% to keep you from going crazy.  Going back to work, joining the gym and returning to church are just that for me. They have become the 10% of my time that I get for me. Work allows me to focus on things other than my daughter, to challenge my brain and use it so I don’t become stupid. The gym allows me to decompress after work or after my daughter has been screaming for an hour and won’t nap. Church allows me to reconnect with myself, my faith, my center after the craziness of a week of work, the gym and Fiona.

At first I felt guilty for being ready to go back to work (after only 6 weeks of maternity leave.) People would ask me, “How can you want to leave your baby?” But the thing is, it was not a desire to LEAVE my child, but a desire to return to myself. A desire to return to and finish the things I began before my daughter was born. I want to be able to give my daughter the world but to do that I need to work hard to provide for her and I need to remain calm and sane. I still have my dream of going to grad school and to further my career. Having a daughter has not changed any of those dreams. She has just added to my love and desire for great things. Call me a terrible mother if you want to but I think I am doing just fine.

Double Edged

Dec17

I have been home with my beautiful daughter for just about 7 weeks now. Is it wrong that I am so unbelievably bored?? I went into my office yesterday for our team Christmas lunch and I brought her with me. Everyone was so excited to see her and it made me feel so great. Every single person asked me the exact same two questions: How are you enjoying being a mom? and Are you ready to come back to work yet?

The answer to the former is not really a simple one. I mean I love my daughter to the moon and back. She is my little girl. But that is a loaded question. There are so many aspects to being a mom that you can not just yes (because you have to say yes or people will think that you are a terrible person.) Do I enjoy all the little smiles that she gives me throughout the day? Do I enjoy it when she holds me finger as she eats? Do I enjoy it when she stares into my eyes? Do I enjoy taking 500 pictures a day? Yes to all of these questions. But that is just one part of it. Do I enjoy it when she screams for no reason? Do I enjoy getting up in the middle of night? Do I enjoy the constant worry that I am doing something wrong or that I am going to screw her up royally? No to all of these questions. But the fact that I don’t enjoy EVERY aspect of being a mom makes me feel TERRIBLE. What kind of mother does enjoy all of it? I feel like I am letting my daughter down in some way that will come back to bite me in the ass in the future.

The answer to the latter question is also not so simple. There is a part of me that is ready to go back to work, to be around adults again. To engage in adult conversation. I mean there is really only so much TV a person can watch. I feel terrible feeling that way. I don’t want to miss all the amazing things that she does as she is learning about the world around her at such a young age. I want to be there for everything little noise, every little movement she makes. But I am just so incredibly bored right now. I understand the stigma of “sitting around eating bon-bons” because all I do all day is eat. I feed my daughter, change her diaper, have a little play time, try like hell to get her to fall asleep and then, if she falls asleep for a nap, I watch some TV and eat a snack. This is not healthy. I now know that I could never be a stay at home mom. I couldn’t do it! I need to be around people all day. I need adult conversation. In addition to the boredom, there is also a lot of stress. Should I be doing this differently? Will doing this hinder her in the future? How long should she sleep? How often? How much should I play with her? How long should I let her cry? and so on and so on! The questions just never end! I look so much stuff up on the internet that Google should pay me for using it! A part of me feels that if I was back at work and she was in daycare I wouldn’t have so much stress. But then I realize that there would a whole new group of things to worry about.

Being a parent really is like a double edged sword. You love your children so so much! You want to them to be perfect and you want all the things that are best for them but then there is that tiny part of you that doesn’t know if they can do it! Does this make me a terrible person? Am I a bad parent? No, I am not! I am just new mom that is trying to figure out what the hell I am doing and hoping to not screw my family up along the way!