Right now it is 7:27pm on Sunday night of the Oscars. The Oscars are my favorite award show ever. I have not missed a broadcast in the past 15 years. Tonight I will break that streak. I am lying in bed hoping to fall asleep by 8pm. So that when my 3.5 month old daughter inevitably wakes up at 2am I will be able to get up with her to give my husband a break. She has decided that she hates sleep. They are not friends and are currently seeing other people. So when she wakes up at 2am and it takes 2.5 hours to get her back to sleep I will have gotten some rest.
There is a very large part of me that cannot believe I have a child. I cannot believe I thought this was a good idea. I can’t function properly on less than 7 hours of sleep a night, I am OCD about getting things done around the house and I have recently come to realize that I am incredibly selfish. I never thought that I was. I always believed myself to be a giving person. Someone who would go out of their way to help their friend, neighbor or someone in need. But apparently I was mistaken. I find myself not wanting to get up in the middle of the night, not wanting to stay up to put her to bed and excited to go to work so that I have to fight with her to take a nap. I am a terrible person and I feel like a terrible mother.
I find myself second guessing myself all the time; Is this right? Is she hungry? Should I get her to nap? Is it too early to put her to bed? Why won’t she sleep? Why won’t she stop crying? How do I help her? How do I make her happy? I know that were it not for my husband I would not be able to do this. In fact, there are times when I still don’t think I can do this even with his help.
I keep telling myself that it will get better when she is 3 months, 4months, 6 months, eating solid food, walking, talking, etc. I keep praying that the next milestone will come and make it easier but then it will all be over. She will be a teenager and my little girl will be all grown up. I pray everyday for the strength and the patience to be a good mother. To raise her well but I fear that I won’t be able to. I fear that my stress and fear will consume me. I try to relax and take time for myself. I take classes at the gym and go to church and try to spend time with family and friends but being a parent is hardest thing I have ever tried to do and I fear I am failing.
I just wish that it would all be alright. Are these fears and insecurities normal? Am I losing my mind or have all new parents felt this way at one time or another?