An Enormous Weight

I feel it…the weight…the weight of being a mom…the weight of being a wife…the weight of working full time…the weight of working full time at home while my kids are learning from home…the weight of being a contributing member of society…the weight of the state of the world…the weight of the Global Pandemic…the weight of the Covid-19. I have it. I caught it. We took so many precautions, tried to be so careful. This SUCKS! There is really no better word for this situation. Sucks…it feels like the wind has been literally sucked out of my lungs. I have asthma and I feel like I cannot take a a full deep breath. It feels like there is a small weight sitting at the top of my lungs that is only opening a part of the way to let the air in. Sucks…it feels like the desire to play with my kids has been sucked out of my life. I am sad, depressed, angry, anxious and so many other emotions that I cannot even name at this point. Sucks…It feels like all the thoughts have been sucked out of my brain. I cannot focus. I cannot think straight. I feel like I cannot even process what is happening.

My husband has also tested positive…My children both tested negative, thankfully but it is like a double edged sword. I am over the moon that they tested negative and there was no chance that Elliot infected anyone at school. But at the same time, I am slightly disappointed. If they did have it, they would be asymptomatic and getting through it without issue. Now I will terrified that they will catch it from us…AND…they have to quarantine for 24 DAYS!! That is a very long time to be isolated from the outside world. I am an extroverted extrovert. I need people around me. I need to interact with the outside world. Even if it is just to run to Wawa to get a coffee or a gallon of milk. I need to see people and community around me. That is the whole reason that I chose a career in HR, to be with and work with people.

I love my children, with everything that I am but 3.5 weeks without visitors, without being with people at all, for that long will drive anyone crazy! All day, everyday I think about worry about this virus and everything that is happening. Am I doing enough to protect my family, my children, myself? Am I making the right decisions to balance their safety and their sanity?

Right now we are waiting for test results to come back for many of my family members and I feel responsible for this. Though, I had no way of knowing that I had been exposed…as I said earlier we were taking precautions…when my aunt tested negative we thought we were in the clear, I had no idea that you still needed to quarantine for 10-14 days. Had I known that I would not have seen her…I would have known that there was still a chance to catch it.

They don’t tell you everything…the media…the people in charge…the powers that be…they only tell you what scares you…they only tell you enough to keep you under their thumb…they only tell what they want you to know…so you think think how they want you to think…so you will feel how they want you to feel. I am struggling so hard with what I am feeling and I cannot really make sense of any of this. I don’t know how to reconcile what I am feeling with everything around me.

I should be enjoying this time with my kids, I have 1.5 weeks off from work and we are all quarantined together, I should be excited to have this time with them. I should be planning all these different things to do with them, but I just don’t have it in me. I just really going through the motions of what I should be doing as their mom.

I hope and pray that 2021 brings change, serenity, hope, and peace. Each of these are desperately needed…by all of humanity.

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