My family and I just took a huge leap of faith! Well I guess it was more like a stroll of faith if you consider how long it actually took for it to come to fruition!
In April of 2024 my husband was recommended to apply for a new position by a friend who had just accepted a similar position with the same company. The main requirement was that we needed to relocate to the Orlando Florida area. We discussed the pros and cons for our family of 4, but ultimately made the decision that he would at least apply and we would see what happens. Within 3 weeks of him hearing about the job; he applied, passed the assessment, interviewed, and was offered the position! It was kind of like a whirlwind romance.
He accepted the position and we started the process of preparing to move from Southern NJ, just outside of Philly, where I was born and raised, to Florida. Living in Florida has always been my dream! The beautiful, paradise like climate, the beautiful views and all the things to see and do. No to mention my dream retirement is to work in a shop for Disney or Universal! I was 42 at the time, he was 40, and I truly felt that the universe and God put this opportunity in front of us for a reason. We wanted to have better opportunities for our children and their dreams and interests! My 10yr daughter is interested in the space program and my 6yo son wants to be a farmer.
I am incredibly excited for this new chapter and all of the things we will be able to accomplish and experience!
I say that it was a stroll of faith because we decided to build a home in a new community which took time, and we also chose to allow our children to finish the school year in NJ. So my husband moved down to start his new job in November and I stayed behind with our kids to sell the house, finish the school year and complete the move!
We have been here just about a week now and while we are still unpacking and getting settled, I have high hopes for the days and years to come! If tou want to achieve your dreams you have to fight for them! Take the leap, or stroll, of faith and make it happen!
Got some news today. Not good not bad. Just news. I had a mammogram on Friday. Today is Tuesday. I got a call from the radiologist telling me they need to take a second look at my right breast. There was no alarm in her voice. No urgency to scheduling if the follow up scan. Just matter of fact statement. This is what we need to do and what you need to bring. Simple.
I cried for the next 2 hours as I called my doctor to get a script. To the receptionist as I tried to tell her what kind of script I needed because I couldn’t process what the radiologist tech told me I needed to get. To my nurse cousin as I texted her to calm me down. To my closeted friends as I reached out for comfort and support.
There is no new other than the fact that they need to take another look at the breast. Period. But my fear and anxiety have gone into overdrive. Imagining every single horrendous and terrible scenario it can possibly think up.
Is it cancer? Will I lose my breast? Will I lose them both? Will I die young? Is it nothing? Am I overthinking? Overreacting? What will happen to my kids? The plans we have? Can my husband handle things without me?
But I know nothing right now other than they need to look again! Why do our minds take us to these places? Why does fear and anxiety consume us in this way? It is 6pm and I am in bed, alone, with the kids downstairs with their dad. I am terrified of so many different scenarios playing through mg head right now because fear and anxiety have taken over. Why do we let it consume us? How do move through it?
How hard is too hard? That is the question that I asked myself today. I am referring to how hard we push our kids outside their comfort zone. How hard is too hard to push them to try something new? How hard is too hard to push them to do something you know they will love and asked to do but when the time comes to do it they refuse?
That is the exact situation I was in today with E. But let me backup and start from the beginning. Last spring we signed E up for tot soccer with our local town program. This was his first time on a team (he had taken gymnastics class when he was 2 but that was different)He had just turned 4. We wanted him to have something to do outside of tv watching and video games (which we do limit throughout the week.) But we want him to learn how to work with others, how to be on a team, and how to follow directions from someone other than parents and teachers. And honestly, learning to be a coachable kid is a huge skill that I think most parents forget to teach their children. he absolutely loved playing soccer. It was 8 weeks on Saturday morning and he couldn’t get enough! He even told me that he couldn’t wait to play in the next season!
Cut to the next season! The first practice of the season he did well! Took some coaxing to get him on the field but once he was out there he had a blast. The next week dad took him. When we refused to play for almost 30 minutes (of the 45 minute practice) dad let him leave and then took away electronic privileges for the remainder of the day. I dis agreed with dad allowing him to leave. I thought he should have made him at least stay the full time and watch the practice.
Well that is the situation I was in today. We arrive and he is kicking the ball around with me having a great time, but when it is time to go on the field with his team, he has none of it. He DOES NOT want to go out there. He told me is scared but would not tell him why he is scared. It was not drop off soccer. There is a designated area for the parents to stand and watch, which is the complete outer rim of the playing field. All the parents were right there cheering their kids on. So that is where I tried to stand, while trying to coax him out there. But I ask, how hard is too hard?
He has 4 friends on his team from school, which I thought would totally help get him out there. But again, he would have none of it. I coaxed him to at least sit on his ball at the very edge cone on the field. It was a start. One of the youth assistant coaches came over and he was not having it. I finally got E to tell me that he was scared because the coaches were not the same coaches as last year and he didn’t know them! OK!! Progress! We identified the fear!! Then another youth assistant coach came over to work with, but this time he hung in there. I asked his name, Brent, and explained that E was scared that he didn’t know the coaches. Brent got down to his level, introduced himself, and told E a little bit about himself. That didn’t get him on the field but it made him a little more comfortable.
All the while this is happening, I am standing just 2 feet from him. Allowing the coaches to do what they do. After a few minutes, E ran back to me. I asked him to at least try. I didn’t care if he kicked the ball all over the field, scored a goal, or even ran around. I just wanted him to try to stand on the field with his teammates. I informed that if daddy found out he didn’t even try he would lose his electronics privileges again (probably not the best tactic but I was desperate.) Then his friend’s mom said that she would give him a lollipop if he stood with his teammates (again, bribery is probably not the best solution but I am still desperate here.)
With only 10 minutes left in the 45 minute practice, he met the head coach, Coach Elena and her sister, the assistant coach. They offered to allow him to stand with Coach Elena and help coach the team. Be coaches in training! He got out there. He stood with Coach Elena and observed at first! But then ball got kicked right to him and he kicked it back! All the parents on the sides helped me cheer him on, which was awesome because it really does take a village. And that was all he needed! I yelled to him how proud I am of him and he was off to the races. I stuck it out with him for 35 minutes and it worked!
I was ready to give in but I didn’t! I taught him that we don’t quit. When we overcome an obstacle it makes us so proud! He was so proud of himself when the practice was finished! And I am so proud of him for getting out there!
I am done! Completely and totally! I legit cannot handle one more thing! 2020 sucked! I know that everyone is saying, “It brought me more time with my kids!” “We were able to get so much closer as a family unit!” “We need to be thankful for the blessings that we were given!” STOP IT! ok…just Stop It! Trying trying to look like the perfect parent, or the perfect employee, or the perfect whatever! Just stop and admit that 2020 SUCKED! There is so much about it that sucked! People were isolated in their homes, some without any contact to the outside world. Numerous businesses shut down (especially in my home state of NJ,) families were ripped apart at the seams as loved ones succumbed to this f*cking awful virus, there were riots in the streets because society cannot adult and discuss their differences and my anxiety freaking quadrupled.
We have been forced to be apart and separate for nearly 10 months. 10 MONTHS! The same amount of time it takes to grow an entire human within another human! 10 MONTHS! I am done! In my last post I wrote about how my husband and I both tested positive for COVID-19. Which sucks!
Well 2021 is not shaping up to be much better. My uncle passed away tonight. He went into liver failure (not related to COVID-19) and they had to take him off life support tonight. I cannot believe that it is true! He was just here at Thanksgiving eating and laughing with us (he was part of our circle) but now he is gone! He was the nicest man and would do anything for you! He helped us move into our new home in June mid pandemic because he could and we had no one else. He said, “This is family and that is what family does!” He was such a good man. He was alone in his hospital room because he had previously tested positive for COVID-19 and so he couldn’t have anyone with him. It sucks! I cannot comfort my family because I am in quarantine since I tested positive for COVID-19. It sucks!
Yes, there are many people in the country, even the world, that are dealing with similar things and situations and I feel so much empathy for them. I felt their pain and I felt their sorrow without ever having to go through it, but I am going through it now and it sucks!
But do you want to know the kicker…I am angry! I am more angry than I am sad. I mean I am devastated that he is gone but anger is the emotion that tops my radar at present. I am angry this virus exists. I am angry that I cannot go comfort my aunt that just lost her brother. I am angry that my kids cannot play with other kids at the park. I am angry that my Kindergartener has to learn how to read through Google Meet classes. I am angry that she didn’t get a preschool graduation. I am angry that my 2 year old has been living through a pandemic in quarantine almost as long as he been alive. I am angry that the politicians can’t put their own agendas aside to do what is best for the American people (that is supposed to be why they are in office right?) I am angry that I can’t invite my family over or go to bar or go to a restaurant without fear of catching, or passing, the virus. I am just angry!
I try so hard to put on a happy face for my kids. I don’t want them to see how much I am struggling with the world and everything that is happening. I don’t want their childhoods marred by my anxiety, depression and anger. I want them to have as many happy and amazing childhood memories as they possibly can. But each day it is getting harder and harder to fake it!
I said to my husband the other day that I do not know how the world will ever go back to the way it was before. I just don’t believe it is possible. I fear that we, as a civilization, will be separated and isolated from each other for eternity. I sadly don’t see us coming together as family for big, happy gatherings. I don’t see our kids making new friends at the park. I don’t see us talking with strangers on the subway. I just see more derision, more division and more isolation in our future and that makes me angry!!!
And so it begins…The sun sets and the knots in my stomach begin to grow larger than they were during the day. Let’s be honest, when you suffer from anxiety the knots are always there. In some way or another, they are there. Always nervous or concerned or anticipating or overwhelmed about what is going to happen that day, the night, that hour or that moment. This is how I live, in a constant state of worry. I worry about how my daughter is doing in school. She is a very active child, I would almost go so far as to say she may have ADHD, though I am no medical professional to diagnose that, but she seems to exhibit the signs and symptoms. It wouldn’t surprise me if she did have it, my whole family seems to have it. I worry about her ability to focus on anything, her ability to listen and I worry about her behavior. I worry about how she will handle the world when she grows up. I worry that I am not doing right by her as her mother. I worry that I am making the wrong decisions, that I am too strict or not strict enough.
I worry about my marriage. Am I doing enough as a wife? I am doing too much or not enough? Is my husband happy? I worry that I will say or do something that will cause us to fight. I worry that we will fight and he will leave. I worry that I am not enough. I worry that we are not enough. I worry that our family is not enough. That our home is not enough.
I worry about my newborn son. He is only a week old but I worry about him already. Before he was born I would wake up in a cold sweat that something was wrong with him in my belly or that something would go wrong when I went into labor. Now I worry that he is not getting enough sleep. I worry that he is eating too much or not enough. I worry that he will wake up in the middle of the night and wake up everyone else in the house. I worry that when that happens my daughter will wake up and not go back to sleep and that my husband will get angry with us.
I worry about my career. Am I in a career that I want to be in? Is it providing enough for me and my family? Am I doing my job well? Am I doing the very best that I can be doing everyday? What more can I be doing to excel at my job? What does my team need from me to succeed?
I even worry about when I will die. It is my greatest fear. I worry about the day that I will no longer be on this earth to be with my family. I worry that it will happen way too early and that my husband and children will be left all alone. I worry that my time will come and my children will not be prepared for the world. I worry that my husband will not be OK without me. I worry that he WILL be OK without me. I worry that the world will forget me. I worry that my children will not have someone to look after them.
I worry about my extended family. I worry about people that I have never met but have seen in passing or on TV or on a viral video online. I worry about so many things ALL OF THE TIME. And it is truly exhausting.
I use the term worry because it is the easiest way to make you understand the feelings and thoughts that are constantly running through my brain and my heart. All of these thoughts and feelings are not necessarily irrational. Most of them, to some degree, are pretty legitimate. I know that so many have had some of the same thoughts, fears, and worries. What makes it different for me is that fact that I cannot turn these feelings off. They constantly run through me. Run through my brain all day and at times all night. I have stopped sleeping well because my brain doesn’t fully shut off. In fact, the silence of night is when these thoughts are often the loudest. I know deep down that one fight will not cause my husband to leave, or the baby crying in the middle of the night will not make him angry. I know that I am doing the best that I can for my children and they will be grow to be strong, happy and healthy adults. But knowing that does not stop the fear and dread from creeping in just a little. That is just how anxiety works. I cannot control it. It just is.
Living with anxiety is like living with giant knot in the pit of your stomach in constant fear that it will unravel and strangle you.
Right now it is 7:27pm on Sunday night of the Oscars. The Oscars are my favorite award show ever. I have not missed a broadcast in the past 15 years. Tonight I will break that streak. I am lying in bed hoping to fall asleep by 8pm. So that when my 3.5 month old daughter inevitably wakes up at 2am I will be able to get up with her to give my husband a break. She has decided that she hates sleep. They are not friends and are currently seeing other people. So when she wakes up at 2am and it takes 2.5 hours to get her back to sleep I will have gotten some rest.
There is a very large part of me that cannot believe I have a child. I cannot believe I thought this was a good idea. I can’t function properly on less than 7 hours of sleep a night, I am OCD about getting things done around the house and I have recently come to realize that I am incredibly selfish. I never thought that I was. I always believed myself to be a giving person. Someone who would go out of their way to help their friend, neighbor or someone in need. But apparently I was mistaken. I find myself not wanting to get up in the middle of the night, not wanting to stay up to put her to bed and excited to go to work so that I have to fight with her to take a nap. I am a terrible person and I feel like a terrible mother.
I find myself second guessing myself all the time; Is this right? Is she hungry? Should I get her to nap? Is it too early to put her to bed? Why won’t she sleep? Why won’t she stop crying? How do I help her? How do I make her happy? I know that were it not for my husband I would not be able to do this. In fact, there are times when I still don’t think I can do this even with his help.
I keep telling myself that it will get better when she is 3 months, 4months, 6 months, eating solid food, walking, talking, etc. I keep praying that the next milestone will come and make it easier but then it will all be over. She will be a teenager and my little girl will be all grown up. I pray everyday for the strength and the patience to be a good mother. To raise her well but I fear that I won’t be able to. I fear that my stress and fear will consume me. I try to relax and take time for myself. I take classes at the gym and go to church and try to spend time with family and friends but being a parent is hardest thing I have ever tried to do and I fear I am failing.
I just wish that it would all be alright. Are these fears and insecurities normal? Am I losing my mind or have all new parents felt this way at one time or another?
Ramblings of an Anxious Mom 