Tag Archive | Parenting

Joy

Sep3

It is getting harder and harder to find joy! There is a distinct difference…as I am sure you are aware…between happiness and joy! Happiness is the fleeting feeling that comes with the endorphin rush. You buy a new purse, you get a high mark on a test you studied for, you see a movie that leaves you with a positive feeling afterward. Joy runs deeper. It is in your bones. Joy lasts even when happiness has subsided. Joy is what we search for on a daily basis and often times confuse with happiness. There is reason the character in Disney’s “Inside Out” is named “Joy” and not “Happiness.” It was intentional.

When you search the difference between happiness and joy, the Google AI returns this: Happiness is a positive emotion often tied to external events and circumstances, making it temporary and situational. (Look back at the examples above. They are all fleeting moments) Joy is a deeper, more enduring internal states of contentment and deep satisfaction that is less dependent on outward conditions and can persist even during difficult times.

How do you find joy? Do you actively look for it in your everyday life? Or are you confusing those fleeting moments of happiness as joy? It is difficult to discern the two. It is even more difficult to intentionally find the joy in the everyday mundane aspects of life, but believe me they are there. A leaf falling from a tree as it glides slowly to the ground. A sunset bursting with colors that radiate through the sky. The first laugh of a newborn baby. The smell of that first cup of coffee in the morning. All these are examples of things myself and people dear to me find joy in. These experiences hit in a place that it deep seated, almost visceral. There is not always an endorphin rush or synapse firing in the brain. It is just contentment. A peaceful, internal feeling that can be hard to describe to someone who has not found their joy.

For me, I find the most joy in bringing others joy. I am an empath, sometimes I feel I have too much empathy, if there is such a thing. It hurts me physically to see others people in pain, emotional or otherwise. Even if it has nothing to do with me, or if they are a complete stranger. I have a guttural reaction when I see someone that does not have joy in their life, or are suffering in any way. Everyone deserves joy! I cannot stand seeing fake smiles. You know the ones. Where the cheeks aren’t fully puffed up and the corners of the mouth do not quite reach the eyes. If you do not have crows feet and laugh lines when you get old, you did not have enough joy in your life. #sorrynotsorry

My family and I just relocated to Florida in June (See my last blog post from June 27) and it is a transition!!! I work to find the joy in each day, and help my family do the same. However, each day it gets harder. I feel like I have to push harder to help some of them find their joy, while at the same sacrificing my joy.

I have decided to start a YouTube Podcast and TikTok that focuses on finding joy in the every day moments in life. The small things that are right in front of you that may not always see. My hope is that as I help others find their joy, I will find mine again.

New Floridians

Jun27

My family and I just took a huge leap of faith! Well I guess it was more like a stroll of faith if you consider how long it actually took for it to come to fruition!

In April of 2024 my husband was recommended to apply for a new position by a friend who had just accepted a similar position with the same company. The main requirement was that we needed to relocate to the Orlando Florida area. We discussed the pros and cons for our family of 4, but ultimately made the decision that he would at least apply and we would see what happens. Within 3 weeks of him hearing about the job; he applied, passed the assessment, interviewed, and was offered the position! It was kind of like a whirlwind romance.

He accepted the position and we started the process of preparing to move from Southern NJ, just outside of Philly, where I was born and raised, to Florida. Living in Florida has always been my dream! The beautiful, paradise like climate, the beautiful views and all the things to see and do. No to mention my dream retirement is to work in a shop for Disney or Universal! I was 42 at the time, he was 40, and I truly felt that the universe and God put this opportunity in front of us for a reason. We wanted to have better opportunities for our children and their dreams and interests! My 10yr daughter is interested in the space program and my 6yo son wants to be a farmer.

I am incredibly excited for this new chapter and all of the things we will be able to accomplish and experience!

I say that it was a stroll of faith because we decided to build a home in a new community which took time, and we also chose to allow our children to finish the school year in NJ. So my husband moved down to start his new job in November and I stayed behind with our kids to sell the house, finish the school year and complete the move!

We have been here just about a week now and while we are still unpacking and getting settled, I have high hopes for the days and years to come! If tou want to achieve your dreams you have to fight for them! Take the leap, or stroll, of faith and make it happen!

How hard is too hard?

Sep30

How hard is too hard? That is the question that I asked myself today. I am referring to how hard we push our kids outside their comfort zone. How hard is too hard to push them to try something new? How hard is too hard to push them to do something you know they will love and asked to do but when the time comes to do it they refuse?

That is the exact situation I was in today with E. But let me backup and start from the beginning. Last spring we signed E up for tot soccer with our local town program. This was his first time on a team (he had taken gymnastics class when he was 2 but that was different)He had just turned 4. We wanted him to have something to do outside of tv watching and video games (which we do limit throughout the week.) But we want him to learn how to work with others, how to be on a team, and how to follow directions from someone other than parents and teachers. And honestly, learning to be a coachable kid is a huge skill that I think most parents forget to teach their children. he absolutely loved playing soccer. It was 8 weeks on Saturday morning and he couldn’t get enough! He even told me that he couldn’t wait to play in the next season!

Cut to the next season! The first practice of the season he did well! Took some coaxing to get him on the field but once he was out there he had a blast. The next week dad took him. When we refused to play for almost 30 minutes (of the 45 minute practice) dad let him leave and then took away electronic privileges for the remainder of the day. I dis agreed with dad allowing him to leave. I thought he should have made him at least stay the full time and watch the practice.

Well that is the situation I was in today. We arrive and he is kicking the ball around with me having a great time, but when it is time to go on the field with his team, he has none of it. He DOES NOT want to go out there. He told me is scared but would not tell him why he is scared. It was not drop off soccer. There is a designated area for the parents to stand and watch, which is the complete outer rim of the playing field. All the parents were right there cheering their kids on. So that is where I tried to stand, while trying to coax him out there. But I ask, how hard is too hard?

He has 4 friends on his team from school, which I thought would totally help get him out there. But again, he would have none of it. I coaxed him to at least sit on his ball at the very edge cone on the field. It was a start. One of the youth assistant coaches came over and he was not having it. I finally got E to tell me that he was scared because the coaches were not the same coaches as last year and he didn’t know them! OK!! Progress! We identified the fear!! Then another youth assistant coach came over to work with, but this time he hung in there. I asked his name, Brent, and explained that E was scared that he didn’t know the coaches. Brent got down to his level, introduced himself, and told E a little bit about himself. That didn’t get him on the field but it made him a little more comfortable.

All the while this is happening, I am standing just 2 feet from him. Allowing the coaches to do what they do. After a few minutes, E ran back to me. I asked him to at least try. I didn’t care if he kicked the ball all over the field, scored a goal, or even ran around. I just wanted him to try to stand on the field with his teammates. I informed that if daddy found out he didn’t even try he would lose his electronics privileges again (probably not the best tactic but I was desperate.) Then his friend’s mom said that she would give him a lollipop if he stood with his teammates (again, bribery is probably not the best solution but I am still desperate here.)

With only 10 minutes left in the 45 minute practice, he met the head coach, Coach Elena and her sister, the assistant coach. They offered to allow him to stand with Coach Elena and help coach the team. Be coaches in training! He got out there. He stood with Coach Elena and observed at first! But then ball got kicked right to him and he kicked it back! All the parents on the sides helped me cheer him on, which was awesome because it really does take a village. And that was all he needed! I yelled to him how proud I am of him and he was off to the races. I stuck it out with him for 35 minutes and it worked!

I was ready to give in but I didn’t! I taught him that we don’t quit. When we overcome an obstacle it makes us so proud! He was so proud of himself when the practice was finished! And I am so proud of him for getting out there!

An Enormous Weight

Dec31

I feel it…the weight…the weight of being a mom…the weight of being a wife…the weight of working full time…the weight of working full time at home while my kids are learning from home…the weight of being a contributing member of society…the weight of the state of the world…the weight of the Global Pandemic…the weight of the Covid-19. I have it. I caught it. We took so many precautions, tried to be so careful. This SUCKS! There is really no better word for this situation. Sucks…it feels like the wind has been literally sucked out of my lungs. I have asthma and I feel like I cannot take a a full deep breath. It feels like there is a small weight sitting at the top of my lungs that is only opening a part of the way to let the air in. Sucks…it feels like the desire to play with my kids has been sucked out of my life. I am sad, depressed, angry, anxious and so many other emotions that I cannot even name at this point. Sucks…It feels like all the thoughts have been sucked out of my brain. I cannot focus. I cannot think straight. I feel like I cannot even process what is happening.

My husband has also tested positive…My children both tested negative, thankfully but it is like a double edged sword. I am over the moon that they tested negative and there was no chance that Elliot infected anyone at school. But at the same time, I am slightly disappointed. If they did have it, they would be asymptomatic and getting through it without issue. Now I will terrified that they will catch it from us…AND…they have to quarantine for 24 DAYS!! That is a very long time to be isolated from the outside world. I am an extroverted extrovert. I need people around me. I need to interact with the outside world. Even if it is just to run to Wawa to get a coffee or a gallon of milk. I need to see people and community around me. That is the whole reason that I chose a career in HR, to be with and work with people.

I love my children, with everything that I am but 3.5 weeks without visitors, without being with people at all, for that long will drive anyone crazy! All day, everyday I think about worry about this virus and everything that is happening. Am I doing enough to protect my family, my children, myself? Am I making the right decisions to balance their safety and their sanity?

Right now we are waiting for test results to come back for many of my family members and I feel responsible for this. Though, I had no way of knowing that I had been exposed…as I said earlier we were taking precautions…when my aunt tested negative we thought we were in the clear, I had no idea that you still needed to quarantine for 10-14 days. Had I known that I would not have seen her…I would have known that there was still a chance to catch it.

They don’t tell you everything…the media…the people in charge…the powers that be…they only tell you what scares you…they only tell you enough to keep you under their thumb…they only tell what they want you to know…so you think think how they want you to think…so you will feel how they want you to feel. I am struggling so hard with what I am feeling and I cannot really make sense of any of this. I don’t know how to reconcile what I am feeling with everything around me.

I should be enjoying this time with my kids, I have 1.5 weeks off from work and we are all quarantined together, I should be excited to have this time with them. I should be planning all these different things to do with them, but I just don’t have it in me. I just really going through the motions of what I should be doing as their mom.

I hope and pray that 2021 brings change, serenity, hope, and peace. Each of these are desperately needed…by all of humanity.

Tech

Apr6

I noticed something today…well I have noticed it many time before now but today is when it really hit me. I was sitting in Wendy’s with my 4.5 year old daughter. We were eating lunch together. We just had added a baby to the family so we try to spend quality time together just her and I whenever we can. It is not easy with a 4 month old but we carve out the smallest amount of time whenever we can. Today it really hit me how much tech has taken over the lives of our youth.

My daughter has a tablet that has a bunch of games and shows on it. We have the parental controls set to give her a set amount of time each day, usually 1.5 hours. Once that time runs out the tablet shuts off until the next 7 am the next day. We even have it set to shut down at 7 pm to not cause issues at bedtime. She has completely gotten used to it and it helps limit the amount of screen time she gets. She also has rules that she needs to follow. No tablet at the table when we are eating, if someone speaks to her she must put the tablet down and engage them and we must approve any new game or show she wants to play/watch. She has done incredibly well with these rules.

While at Wendy’s she put her tablet aside to each her lunch and we engaged in conversation and silly play. We built her kid’s meal toy together and just bonded. As we were enjoying what little mommy-daughter time we get I noticed a family come in. It was 2 younger grandparents (maybe in their late 50’s) and 2 kids (roughly 8 and 10) and the entire time they were in Wendy’s the kid played on their devices, even while they ate. The grandparents spoke to each and the barely engaged the kids. I was blown away. But when I think about it, most places I go I see children on their devices keeping themselves isolated from their peers.

At the play area in the mall, a little girl was Snapchatting on the slide instead of playing with the numerous other children in the play area. But when I looked around I saw no less than a dozen parents with their heads buried in their phones and barely watching their children. I am guilty of it too. I find that if my 4.5yo is busy playing well with other children I use that time to check my email or my Instagram but we need to stop.

We, as parents, need to show our children that there is more to life than our tech. We need to teach our children how to interact with other people. We need to teach them how to ask anther kid if it is OK to play with them or even how to say “Hello! My name is …!” But most children cannot do that these days. We are letting our children down.

So parents, I implore you, put down your electronics and take the time to engage with your children. Teach them how to be intelligent, well-adjusted adults. Because if we keep going the way we are going our future is headed for a lonely and awkward future.

Shame!! Shame!!

Feb5

We all suffer from it. Whether it is self-inflicted or brought on by someone else’s judgement we all feel shame. We may be ashamed of something that happened in our past when were we young and inexperienced, we may be ashamed of something that someone close to us did that reflected poorly on our choice in associations, we may just be insecure and ashamed of it. But make no mistake, we ALL feel shame, and that is OK! What is not OK is shaming others. Judging people for the decisions they make based on their own lives and situations when we have no idea what their life is actually like.

Personally, I feel that Mom Shaming is the worst kind of shaming. Every mom (and every dad) is doing the absolute best they can do for their children with the resources they have. Whether they choose to breast or formula feed, rock their babies to sleep or let them cry it out, send their kids to daycare or stay at home. All of these decisions are made based on the resources, parenting beliefs and experiences of the parents making them. We do not know what their situation is, so who are we to judge them. A mom may be a breast cancer survivor that had a double mastectomy and cannot breast feed no matter how much they want to. A mom may want to formula feed because they cannot get over the debilitating postpartum depression but cannot because the cost it too high. A mom not be able to stay home because she needs to work to support her family. We do not know what the situation is but it is none of our business.

I try to never judge any person on this earth for the decisions they make, but especially other parents. I am certainly not perfect and there are times I find myself having that judgmental thought but when I catch myself I stop and ask that mom if there is anything I can do to help them in that moment if they look as if they are struggling. Or I offer a kind word of encouragement because let’s be honest we can all use more kind words offered to us on the regular. The kind words I offer could be the only kind words that mom has heard all day.

I was catching up with my friend Jamie yesterday, she recently had her son about 5 months ago and my second child is 2 months old. We were chatting about the difficulties of midnight feedings, strategies for sleeping, dealing with the incredible amount of weight that we moms deal with on a daily basis. We also talked about the joy our babies bring us, the smiles, the laughs, the coos, the looks of love and how all the hard parts are worth every stressful moment when they look at us. As we parted ways and made loose plans to be walking buddies she made a comment that hit me like a ton of bricks, “You can never have too many mom friends!” This is unbelievably true! We should not be breaking each other down but building each other up. We should be helping each other make it through the day if need be. We are all moms that could use a shoulder to lean on, or a helping hand, or a kind word. We are a village going through the same thing no matter how different the situation.

So when you see a mom struggling, offer a kind word or helping hand. If you are talking with a mom about their parenting choices hear what she is saying. Take it in. Understand what she is saying. You don’t need to agree with her choices but you do need to respect that these are her choices. If you are staunchly against her choices make the conscious decision to not be a mom shamer and keep your mouth shut. Unless they choose to not vaccinate their children, then you should make the conscious decision to never bring your child around their child.

Kinship

Dec8

Well I did it again! My beautiful son, Elliot, was born on Sunday, December 2nd and it just amazing already. Thank God he is healthy and happy. All the anxiety that I had throughout my 9 months was terrifying but apparently unnecessary. I delivered him in 44 minutes from when I started pushing, a huge change from my daughter, as I pushed for 2 hours and 45 minutes with her. The staff was absolutely amazing!

After delivery when I was finally taken to my room, a room I would not see the outside of for the next roughly 3 days. I asked my husband to stay in the hospital with me this time. When my daughter was born I told him he could home and I think that was my first mistake. With her I spent 3 days mostly alone in the hospital room. During the day it wasn’t so bad, I had some visitors, hospital staff in and out checking on me and Fiona, but at night when no one came in to check on us it got hard. I think that is part of the reason I had such bad postpartum depression. I pretty much started off as a mom all alone. 

This time I voiced what I needed. I asked for help. I am so lucky to have my mom so close by. She took Fiona the whole time I was in the hospital so that Harrison could stay by my side. Though I was nursing, and he couldn’t actually feed our new bundle of joy, at least I had someone to talk to. Even though I was up at night nursing Elliot, I could look over at the pull out cot and see my loving husband there, though asleep, to support me. 

That first day/night in the hospital with my new son, after the first round of hospital staff was in and out, after the first round of visitors had come and gone, I thought to myself, “I am so blessed. I have a beautiful new son, a beautiful daughter, a loving husband and an incredibly supportive family!” That is when I heard it! The screeching cry from the room next door! The screeching cry of an inconsolable baby. The constant wail from those tiny lungs. And I didn’t hear it just once. It was pretty consistent throughout our stay. All I could think was, “That poor mom! I do not know your story, but I have been there! I have been in your shoes! I know what you are going through and you can do this! I don’t know your precious baby’s story but he will be alright!” At that moment I said a prayer for her. A prayer for that mom with screeching baby and for every mom that is having a tough time of it. Sometimes all a mom or even dad needs to hear is, “You got this!’ One kind word, or even a prayer, goes a long way! If you see a parent struggling, give them a kind word. If you see a child throwing a tantrum in the middle of the mall, don’t stare. Give the parent a little acknowledgement that you understand what they are going through. Every family, every parent, every child has a story different from our own and what us parents need is kinship to make it through the day sometimes.