That Moment!

Jun5

I had that moment last night! You know that moment that every parent has! That every parent says you will have when you get pregnant! That moment! Nothing special was happening, nothing out of our normal every night bedtime routine. My husband and I had changed our daughter’s diaper, put her in her pajamas and was getting her ready for bed. I was holding her, rocking her in my arms and she as was drinking her bottle all by herself, as she has now learned to do. Her lullabys were playing and the lights were dim. It was just another night at bedtime. But it was the night that it hit me! Hit me big time! I looked down at her innocent face and Wham!!! Like a slap in the face! She was my little girl! I had created this amazing little person! I was responsible for her; for her happiness, her love, her nourishment, her everything! I knew then and there that I would do absolutely anything to make sure that she had everything she could possible need or want! My heart swelled and tears began to form as I realized a love that I never thought possible! Is it possible to love someone this much? Is it possible that the human heart is big enough for this feeling?

Today she is napping her pack and play while my cousin is installing a ceiling fan in her room. As I watch her sleep I think about all the things I want to teach her, things I want to show her and places I want to take her. I want her to have every opportunity to do and experience things in her life. I want her to see the world as a place full of light and possibilities. I want her to know that she can accomplish anything she desires. I want her to know that she is capable of anything she puts her mind to. I want her to know that this world is hers for the taking! I want to teach her that no matter what she is loved and cherished by those around her. I want to teach her that the world is nothing to be afraid of. I want to teach her to soar and dream! I want to show her all the ends of the earth! I want to show her how beautiful the world can be, how peaceful the sea after a storm. I want to give her the world!

Self-Confidence Is Not Automatic

May29

Since I was a very young girl I always noticed the people that exuded confidence…although I don’t think I knew what that word meant until I was in high school but you get the point. I always envied those people who could walk around with what seemed like not a care in the world. The never cared what people thought of them, the never looked for approval or acceptance. They just did their thing and went about their lives. To have that confidence always amazed me. I have never had that. Sure I may act like I do but those few people that really know me (and now you that are reading this) know that I actually do care what people think. I try to walk around saying, “Whatever! I don’t care what you think! I am my own person and I will live how I want to live!” but deep down I am very concerned with whether or not people actually like me, or agree with me etc. I think that is the main thing that attracted me to my husband. He has that! He has that confidence that I have never had and desperately want. I get embarrassed when I have to make a phone call to ask question about car insurance because I fear sounding like a moron. I get nervous trying to use a coupon in the store because the clerk might say no. My husband does not care about anything. He will try to use 5 coupons that are all expired and then try to convince the clerk to let him use them after she has said no twice. He astounds me that he can do this. He has confidence I could never have. My brother has it too. He has enough self-confidence for 10 people and it baffles me. When he walks into a room he owns it! The whole room knows he is there and that how he likes it!

When I was grade school I was bullied before bullying became the hot topic it is now. I was laughed at, mocked, made fun of, left out of things and so on until 7th grade. I believe all that happened to me has made me a stronger person and taught me to persevere and stand up for myself but it did not help my self confidence. I am still that 4th grader sitting alone at her desk while all the other kids are playing at recess deep down. When I got to high school things were better. I made friends that I connected with easily and we are still extremely close today. My high school experience was not a bad one. In fact it was a wonderful school. I was on the cheer leading squad, managed the baseball team and belonged to numerous clubs. I probably could have been involved in a lot more and been close friends with many more classmates but it was my lack of self-confidence that held me back. My classmates never treated me bad or bullied me but in my head and heart I looked at them as the “popular crowd,” and “out of my reach.” I had a fear that they would not accept me so I never tried.  Looking back now I know that I was being silly and I regret never trying. I have recently gotten back on touch with many of them and I am so glad. I have talked with them and learned from them and supported them and they have supported me. I no longer see that imaginary barrier that I created all those years ago.

Self-confidence is a trait that people take for granted. Parents do not realize how important it is to teach this to their children. My mother tried with all her might to teach me to be confident in who I am. Sometimes I fear that I failed her for not being more confident but I do try. If there is one lesson that I can teach my daughter above all else it is this: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt  I tell her everyday how wonderful she is and how amazing she is. Though she is barely 7 months old I want her to have the confidence that I never had. Though I am still working on it so I guess there is still time!

Half a year…Gone!

May14

I cannot believe that so much time has passed. It feels like it was only yesterday…it was only yesterday that I did not have a care in the world…only yesterday that I could come and go as I pleased without having to answer to anyone or even worry about anyone else…only yesterday that I could sleep in and get out of bed whenever I felt like it. But it wasn’t only yesterday…it has been 6 months. That is right…it is 6 months since my little love, Fiona, Fiona was born. I cannot believe that has been half a year already. She has gotten so big and developed so much right before my eyes. From the day she was born she took everything in. Her eyes wide at the wonderment of the world. So many times I would look at her and wonder how the world look to her, through her eyes. How did she perceive me? Her father? Her room? A tree? The sun? Things that I see everyday and take for granted that they are there. When I was putting her to bed tonight she looked around the room at each thing and took it all it. She paused as she looked at each item, studying it…the Hello Kitty decals on her wall, the Sailor Moon Box Set on her shelf, the stuffed animals all over. I am blown away every time I watch her learn something new, see something or do something new. It is truly a miracle to witness each of these milestones. Photo

She is so intent on learning different things and keeping up with those around her. Her cousin is 3 months older than her so he is already crawling on all fours, pulling himself up and trying to walk. Well my little daredevil does not want to be left behind, She is already trying to pull herself up to walk…well run I should say. She is going to give me a run for my money when she is finally fully mobile.

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I cannot believe that in 6 short months she has learned so much!

Month 1

She slept nearly 18 hours a day and ate the other 6. At least it felt like it. She held my hand for the first time, though I am pretty sure she did not mean to do it! I cuddled her every minute that I could.She was so little and innocent. She just laid there and she was so adorable you could just eat her up.

So precious!

So precious!

Month 2

She slept a little less and ate a little more. This is the point when it really hit me that I am responsible for her. Me!!!!…and her daddy…but still! I am responsible for the life of another human being!!! WTF was I thinking! This is also when the anxiety and slight postpartum depression hit. But not matter how sad or tired I was she still always smiled at me! Happy to be with me and happy to have me as her mother!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Month 3

This month was not too bad! We had settled into a routine and things were looking up! But then 2015 hit, I went back to work and all hell broke loose! Fi decided that she did not want to sleep or eat or sleep! We also realized that Fi has a slight milk protein allergy and eczema. We had to switch to hypoallergenic formula. The formula pretty much went right through her and she was ALWAYS hungry! It was a rough time and my anxiety went through the roof! I did seek help and am doing great now!

Bishop Eustace Here I Come!

Bishop Eustace Here I Come!

Month 4

By 3.5 months she was eating 30-35 ounces of formula a day! This month we decided to sleep train and start solid foods! We began with baby rice cereal, which she loved, and then moved on to stage 1 baby food. We followed the advice and only gave her 1 new food every 3 days. She had a reaction or two in the beginning but overall she did great! Fi started daycare when she turned 4 months old as well! I love daycare! They put her on a schedule and really helped with the “I want to be held at ALL times” problem! Many people bad mouth daycare but I think it is the best thing EVER! This is also when Fi started to roll over and develop her personality! Rolling to her side and solid food really helped her sleep. But I think it was more the fact that she could sleep on her side. She is not a back sleeper.

Nananana!

Nananana!

Month 5

This is when things really started to get fun! I completed my counselling and was now able to really enjoy my daughter. I hated the fact that I was so anxious and having such issues that I didn’t want to come home from work. But by this point things were looking great! Fi started rolling to her tummy to sleep and this made an even bigger difference. She began sleeping through the night! That was just bliss!

I have my ball!

I have my ball!

Month 6

This is now the month we are currently in and I just can’t believe that my little girl is 6 months old! She is crawling on her belly, sitting by herself, holding her own bottle and already trying to stand up! We are moving her to stage 2 food!

I am a big girl now!

I am a big girl now!

They say to enjoy it when they are little because you blink and they are in college, or getting married, or moving out! It is so true! Half a year is gone and my head is spinning is has gone by so fast!

Loss

Feb28

I have been writing a lot recently about the difficulty that I have been having. Anxiety over raising my daughter, the stress of it, the sheer panic that I get that I am doing something wrong. Well, unfortunately things have gotten worse. On February 22 my father passed away. He was 74 years old and died in his sleep, I am thankful that he passed in his sleep and did not suffer as so many people do. My father had COPD but seemed to be doing well, He was home from the rehabilitation center and starting to get things in order. He was a recovering alcoholic who lived a very hard life. He was a musician in his younger days and lived the life a musician for a while. He had beat cancer and we thought his health was improving. He was learning how to take control of his finances and was even planning different outings and events with his children and grandchildren. He was so excited for spring to arrive because it meant he could leave the house and visit with his family. We had so many lunch dates planned and so many place we were going to go. So many things that he wanted to do. Sadly, my father did not get to see spring arrive, or have the lunches that he had so looked forward to, save for one. Two weeks before he passed away, my husband and I took our 3 month old daughter to meet her pop-pop for the first time. The weather a little nicer and my father had gotten over his cold. So we stopped at Wendy’s (he loved their burgers) and brought Fiona to him. We only spent 1 hour with him. We ate lunch, did a few things for him around the house that he couldn’t do but most importantly he got to meet his youngest granddaughter. He made he laugh and she made him laugh. It is my final memory of him. The giant smile he had on his face when she smiled at him. I regret that I did not take any pictures of them that day. I would have loved to have had a photo of Fiona with her pop-pop. But I was so in the moment and enjoying seeing them together that I didn’t think to take any. All I have is the memory of seeing them together on which to hold.

Now as I help my brother put all of his affairs to rest I am left with a hole in my heart that I can’t seem to fill. My whole life I was “Daddy’s Little Girl” and “Daddy’s Princess.” When we left him after lunch the last day were together the last he said to me was, “I love you Princess.”  That is what he always called me. I am 33 years old and my father still called me princess! I will never “Princess” again.

People have asked me if he was sick or was it expected or was it sudden. Yes he was sick but it is always sudden. Even if the doctor tells you to be prepared it is still sudden. A child is never ready to say goodbye to a parent.

I will miss the phone calls at random times of day just because he was thinking of his “Princess.” I will miss deciphering his writing because he was not a very good speller. I will miss the errands he would send me on to pick him up little things. I will miss the scruffy kisses on my cheek he would me when we said hello and goodbye. I will miss his voice when he would sing to me. I will miss his scent. I will miss knowing he was just around the corner. I will miss him more than words can express.
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I love you Daddy! You will always be in my heart and never out of my mind! Rest in peace and keep making beautiful music in Heaven.

Sought Help

Feb21

Ok, so I didit! I bit the bullet and did it. I have been feeling very anxious and stressed lately. My cousin thinks that I may be suffering from postpartum depression and asked me to talk to someone. So I did. I was nervous at first because of the stigmas that you hear go along with postpartum depression. But I am really glad that I called. I met with the counselor for the first time. His name is Norm. He kind of reminds me of Sigmund Freud. Sweater with collared shirt underneath, grey beard and glasses.  Very nice man and easy to talk to. He does not think that I am depressed. He feels that I am suffering from anxiety caused by severe stress. Which I will definitely agree with.

I have this unbelievable fear that I am going to make a mistake raising Fiona and that I am going to mess her up for life. I also have this fear that if I call the pediatrician too many times they will think that I am a bad mother and take her away from me. I know it is an unfounded fear but it is a significant one for me nonetheless.

Adding to my anxiety is the fact that Fiona has decided that sleep is her enemy. She loses her mind whenever we put her down to sleep, at bed time or at nap time. She is normally swaddled but she has begun rolling over in the crib while swaddled, so we need to put her down unswaddled.  So she is leaening to sleep unswaddled and sleeping back in the crib. I know that bedtime/nap time is going to be difficult and I dread having to deal with it.  To the point where I can’t sleep or focus on anything else.

Norm did tell me I am doing some things right. He says that my Tai Chi class is excellent because the breathing exercises will help reduce my anxiety, workout classes will help reduce my stress and blogging will allow me to get everything out and off my chest! Glad to know I am doing something right.

He did say that I am a people pleaser and I need to get over that. Now that I have a daughter she is the only one I need to make happy. I agree with him. I hate confrontation so I try to make everyone happy. I need to knock that off.

We are meeting again in 2 weeks, after Harrison returns to work. My anxiety is high over the changes that will happen with that. I will keep you posted as to my progress.

If one person benefits from the struggles in my journey I will feel good.

Insecurity

Feb15

Right now it is 7:27pm on Sunday night of the Oscars. The Oscars are my favorite award show ever. I have not missed a broadcast in the past 15 years.  Tonight I will break that streak. I am lying in bed hoping to fall asleep by 8pm. So that when my 3.5 month old daughter inevitably wakes up at 2am I will be able to get up with her to give my husband a break. She has decided that she hates sleep. They are not friends and are currently seeing other people. So when she wakes up at 2am and it takes 2.5 hours to get her back to sleep I will have gotten some rest.

There is a very large part of me that cannot believe I have a child. I cannot believe I thought this was a good idea. I can’t function properly on less than 7 hours of sleep a night, I am OCD about getting things done around the house and I have recently come to realize that I am incredibly selfish. I never thought that I was.  I always believed myself to be a giving person. Someone who would go out of their way to help their friend, neighbor or someone in need. But apparently I was mistaken. I find myself not wanting to get up in the middle of the night, not wanting to stay up to put her to bed and excited to go to work so that I have to fight with her to take a nap. I am a terrible person and I feel like a terrible mother.

I find myself second guessing myself all the time; Is this right? Is she hungry? Should I get her to nap? Is it too early to put her to bed? Why won’t she sleep? Why won’t she stop crying? How do I help her? How do I make her happy? I know that were it not for my husband I would not be able to do this. In fact, there are times when I still don’t think I can do this even with his help.

I keep telling myself that it will get better when she is 3 months, 4months, 6 months, eating solid food, walking, talking, etc. I keep praying that the next milestone will come and make it easier but then it will all be over. She will be a teenager and my little girl will be all grown up. I pray everyday for the strength and the patience to be a good mother. To raise her well but I fear that I won’t be able to. I fear that my stress and fear will consume me. I try to relax and take time for myself. I take classes at the gym and go to church and try to spend time with family and friends but being a parent is hardest thing I have ever tried to do and I fear I am failing.

I just wish that it would all be alright. Are these fears and insecurities normal? Am I losing my mind or have all new parents felt this way at one time or another?

M.O.M.

Feb8

My dear daughter has reached her 100 days milestone. This is a big deal in the Korean culture (may daughter is half Korean.) Basically, it means she has reached the point where she is considered safe and healthy.

During these 100 days I have a lot of time to think.  One conclusion that I have come with all this thinking
that I have been doing is that the word mom is not short for mother.  I have come to the realization that mom is M.O.M, an acronym for Master Of Most, and GrandM.O.M is Grand Master Of Most.  When it comes to children most things can only be fixed by  M.O.M. My husband and I were trying to get Fiona to sleep. She fights us likes crazy. He has been home with her for the past 3 weeks and has 3 more to go. This means I get to go to bed early and he gets up with her in the middle of night. Just like I did while I was on leave and he was working.  The one night I put Fiona down and she went to sleep.  An hour and a half later she woke up. Dear hubby got up with her and tried so hard to get her back to sleep. Two hours later, a still screaming Fiona had poor hubby at his wits end, hair in hands and all. I got up and let him go to bed. Within 30 minutes I had her calm and sleeping in her rock and play, although her crib would have been ideal. The next morning he came into the living room (I was sleeping on the couch with her in the rock and play) and asked if she was up all night. To which I responded, “Nope!”  He looked at me with sad eyes and said, “Oh, she hates me! I tried so hard!” That is when it hit me. M.O.M is the master of most because only M.O.M can fix most problems. Not that M.O.M is any better than dad.

There are so many times only M.O.M can kiss a boo boo. Only M.O.M can take the pain away. Only M.O.M can quiet the screams. I said to my dear hubby, “she doesn’t hate you. There are just times when only M.O.M will do!

It is not passing!!!

Feb1

So it seems that the major mantra of parents is “This too shall pass.” But what I have noticed since becoming a mom is that nothing actually passes. Every time something funky goes on with Fiona I am told “this too shall pass” but then something else happens. Again, I am told “this too shall pass.” Is this just what people say to parents so that they don’t lose their minds from sleep deprivation? It’s like when people say “every baby is different.” No shit every baby is different. Every person is different. If we were different then we would all be clones and life would be boring. I need a reason for most things. I need to know why something is happening. If my daughter starts acting different from how she normally acts I want to know why. I understand that is a lot to ask because there is not always a straight answer for what is going on but that doesn’t change my desperate need to know “why” or “is she OK” or “she is possessed and I should call a priest.”

No one really prepares your for all these crazy little changes that happen when you have a baby. They tell you it will be “hard” but they are not really telling you the truth. In fact they are down right lying. Parenting is not “hard” it is damn near impossible. The crying for reasons unknown because they can’t tell you, the lack of sleep due to the crying for reasons unknown, the inability to function properly due to the lack of the sleep due to the crying for reasons unknown. I mean it is crazy.

I am incredibly lucky to have the support system that I have. My husband is home from work for 6 weeks not that I am back to work. So he can stay up with her when she won’t sleep and get in the middle of the night when she wakes up screaming (for reasons unknown). My mother lives 2.5 minutes from my house and comes over pretty often to check in and help us out. I also have a an aunt near by that watches Fiona so that we run to the doctor, or run errands, or hell even go to the gym to have a few minutes to ourselves. I honestly can not fathom how single parents are able to do this on their own. I have a new found respect for single parents that are able to do this early part on their own. I know that without the amazing people I have supporting me I know that I would totally lose my mind and screw up my kid.

Return to Normal?

Jan25

I have now officially returned to work. My daughter is now 12 weeks old and I spent those 12 weeks out on maternity leave, some paid and some unpaid. I was able to be home with my daughter for her first Halloween (althoughwe were still in the hospital since she was born on 10/30), her first Thanksgiving, her first Christmas and her first New Year’s  Eve. I was home to cuddle with my little one, kiss her toes and snuggle her cheeks. I nursed her in the beginning and then moved her to formula (breastfeeding was not right for us), I changed all of her diapers and gave her baths. I would love to say that I loved every minute of it, but then I would lying. I love MOST of it. I was happy to have that time with her but when my 12 weeks was up I was ready to go back to work. I am a very social person and I am not the type that can be a stay at home. I give so much credit to those that can but I could never do it. I need to be out and about with other adults, dealing with things not related to my children. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter more than anything but I also believe that parents need to have lives that don’t revolve around their children 24/7. Yes, 90% of the time your life should be about your children but you need that 10% to keep you from going crazy.  Going back to work, joining the gym and returning to church are just that for me. They have become the 10% of my time that I get for me. Work allows me to focus on things other than my daughter, to challenge my brain and use it so I don’t become stupid. The gym allows me to decompress after work or after my daughter has been screaming for an hour and won’t nap. Church allows me to reconnect with myself, my faith, my center after the craziness of a week of work, the gym and Fiona.

At first I felt guilty for being ready to go back to work (after only 6 weeks of maternity leave.) People would ask me, “How can you want to leave your baby?” But the thing is, it was not a desire to LEAVE my child, but a desire to return to myself. A desire to return to and finish the things I began before my daughter was born. I want to be able to give my daughter the world but to do that I need to work hard to provide for her and I need to remain calm and sane. I still have my dream of going to grad school and to further my career. Having a daughter has not changed any of those dreams. She has just added to my love and desire for great things. Call me a terrible mother if you want to but I think I am doing just fine.

Honest Body

Jan17

My daughter is now 11 weeks old. She is healthy and happy (most of time lol.) I have been given the clear by my doctor that I am good to go. I can return to my normal life activities. I am healthy and can return to work, the gym and all the other things I did before baby. But what the doctor neglected to tell me was that my body would be completely different. I mean, yes I knew my body would be different but I didn’t think it would like this. I feel something akin to a young adult just after going through puberty, or a preteen going through puberty. My body is doing all different kinds of things now. My period returned and I didn’t think I had that much to lose at one time. Using pads and tampons again is a little strange. It really seems like it is the first time I am ever using them. It’s like I am 13 again. My cramps are in new and exciting places and they are uncomfortable. So so uncomfortable.  I went to gym today and used the treadmill. Didn’t do anything crazy just walking at an incline but my hips and inner thighs are killing me. Like I just learned how to walk.  My back hurts in a way I never thought possible. My memory is shot. If my morning was not set to such a routine I probably wouldn’t remember to brush my teeth. Let’s not even talk about how unrestful my sleep is at night.  My stomach is doing things that I don’t even want to mention but boy is it rough. My stomach medicine isn’t helping anymore. None of these things were on the “Yay Baby” brochure! I wish someone had warned me so I could be prepared. But then when you become a mom you don’t get warned about anything anymore!