My family and I just took a huge leap of faith! Well I guess it was more like a stroll of faith if you consider how long it actually took for it to come to fruition!
In April of 2024 my husband was recommended to apply for a new position by a friend who had just accepted a similar position with the same company. The main requirement was that we needed to relocate to the Orlando Florida area. We discussed the pros and cons for our family of 4, but ultimately made the decision that he would at least apply and we would see what happens. Within 3 weeks of him hearing about the job; he applied, passed the assessment, interviewed, and was offered the position! It was kind of like a whirlwind romance.
He accepted the position and we started the process of preparing to move from Southern NJ, just outside of Philly, where I was born and raised, to Florida. Living in Florida has always been my dream! The beautiful, paradise like climate, the beautiful views and all the things to see and do. No to mention my dream retirement is to work in a shop for Disney or Universal! I was 42 at the time, he was 40, and I truly felt that the universe and God put this opportunity in front of us for a reason. We wanted to have better opportunities for our children and their dreams and interests! My 10yr daughter is interested in the space program and my 6yo son wants to be a farmer.
I am incredibly excited for this new chapter and all of the things we will be able to accomplish and experience!
I say that it was a stroll of faith because we decided to build a home in a new community which took time, and we also chose to allow our children to finish the school year in NJ. So my husband moved down to start his new job in November and I stayed behind with our kids to sell the house, finish the school year and complete the move!
We have been here just about a week now and while we are still unpacking and getting settled, I have high hopes for the days and years to come! If tou want to achieve your dreams you have to fight for them! Take the leap, or stroll, of faith and make it happen!
Got some news today. Not good not bad. Just news. I had a mammogram on Friday. Today is Tuesday. I got a call from the radiologist telling me they need to take a second look at my right breast. There was no alarm in her voice. No urgency to scheduling if the follow up scan. Just matter of fact statement. This is what we need to do and what you need to bring. Simple.
I cried for the next 2 hours as I called my doctor to get a script. To the receptionist as I tried to tell her what kind of script I needed because I couldn’t process what the radiologist tech told me I needed to get. To my nurse cousin as I texted her to calm me down. To my closeted friends as I reached out for comfort and support.
There is no new other than the fact that they need to take another look at the breast. Period. But my fear and anxiety have gone into overdrive. Imagining every single horrendous and terrible scenario it can possibly think up.
Is it cancer? Will I lose my breast? Will I lose them both? Will I die young? Is it nothing? Am I overthinking? Overreacting? What will happen to my kids? The plans we have? Can my husband handle things without me?
But I know nothing right now other than they need to look again! Why do our minds take us to these places? Why does fear and anxiety consume us in this way? It is 6pm and I am in bed, alone, with the kids downstairs with their dad. I am terrified of so many different scenarios playing through mg head right now because fear and anxiety have taken over. Why do we let it consume us? How do move through it?
How hard is too hard? That is the question that I asked myself today. I am referring to how hard we push our kids outside their comfort zone. How hard is too hard to push them to try something new? How hard is too hard to push them to do something you know they will love and asked to do but when the time comes to do it they refuse?
That is the exact situation I was in today with E. But let me backup and start from the beginning. Last spring we signed E up for tot soccer with our local town program. This was his first time on a team (he had taken gymnastics class when he was 2 but that was different)He had just turned 4. We wanted him to have something to do outside of tv watching and video games (which we do limit throughout the week.) But we want him to learn how to work with others, how to be on a team, and how to follow directions from someone other than parents and teachers. And honestly, learning to be a coachable kid is a huge skill that I think most parents forget to teach their children. he absolutely loved playing soccer. It was 8 weeks on Saturday morning and he couldn’t get enough! He even told me that he couldn’t wait to play in the next season!
Cut to the next season! The first practice of the season he did well! Took some coaxing to get him on the field but once he was out there he had a blast. The next week dad took him. When we refused to play for almost 30 minutes (of the 45 minute practice) dad let him leave and then took away electronic privileges for the remainder of the day. I dis agreed with dad allowing him to leave. I thought he should have made him at least stay the full time and watch the practice.
Well that is the situation I was in today. We arrive and he is kicking the ball around with me having a great time, but when it is time to go on the field with his team, he has none of it. He DOES NOT want to go out there. He told me is scared but would not tell him why he is scared. It was not drop off soccer. There is a designated area for the parents to stand and watch, which is the complete outer rim of the playing field. All the parents were right there cheering their kids on. So that is where I tried to stand, while trying to coax him out there. But I ask, how hard is too hard?
He has 4 friends on his team from school, which I thought would totally help get him out there. But again, he would have none of it. I coaxed him to at least sit on his ball at the very edge cone on the field. It was a start. One of the youth assistant coaches came over and he was not having it. I finally got E to tell me that he was scared because the coaches were not the same coaches as last year and he didn’t know them! OK!! Progress! We identified the fear!! Then another youth assistant coach came over to work with, but this time he hung in there. I asked his name, Brent, and explained that E was scared that he didn’t know the coaches. Brent got down to his level, introduced himself, and told E a little bit about himself. That didn’t get him on the field but it made him a little more comfortable.
All the while this is happening, I am standing just 2 feet from him. Allowing the coaches to do what they do. After a few minutes, E ran back to me. I asked him to at least try. I didn’t care if he kicked the ball all over the field, scored a goal, or even ran around. I just wanted him to try to stand on the field with his teammates. I informed that if daddy found out he didn’t even try he would lose his electronics privileges again (probably not the best tactic but I was desperate.) Then his friend’s mom said that she would give him a lollipop if he stood with his teammates (again, bribery is probably not the best solution but I am still desperate here.)
With only 10 minutes left in the 45 minute practice, he met the head coach, Coach Elena and her sister, the assistant coach. They offered to allow him to stand with Coach Elena and help coach the team. Be coaches in training! He got out there. He stood with Coach Elena and observed at first! But then ball got kicked right to him and he kicked it back! All the parents on the sides helped me cheer him on, which was awesome because it really does take a village. And that was all he needed! I yelled to him how proud I am of him and he was off to the races. I stuck it out with him for 35 minutes and it worked!
I was ready to give in but I didn’t! I taught him that we don’t quit. When we overcome an obstacle it makes us so proud! He was so proud of himself when the practice was finished! And I am so proud of him for getting out there!
Welcome to 2018! It is only the 2nd day of the new year and I have already had it! My personal inner resolution WAS to be calmer this year! Lower my cholesterol, try not to scream so much, eat healthier and not lose my cool! Welp…3 of the 4 those things are out the door already (and who knows my cholesterol could be up and I just don’t know it!)
We were having a nice dinner that I made in the InstantPot and AirFryer, Fiona was watching her show after eating her dinner, we were relaxed and eating healthy. Things were looking good! Then it was time for a Fi to brush her teeth! She refused! I stayed calm and nice and tried to negotiate, because all parenting a pre-schooler really consists of is honing your negotiation skills to the point of perfection!
Turns out I still need a little more practice. After making her cry and throwing her book across the room (I did the throwing because she tried to take it from me) I brushed her teeth and put her pjs on her. I chose princess pjs but she wanted Elsa. Too bad kid, you should have done what I asked. She screamed in her bed for a good 5 minutes. That’s when I heard her run across the room! We don’t get out of bed when we are in trouble in my house. When I told her to get back into bed she responded with “NO!!!!!!” Well… that sent me into a tailspin! I grabbed every single one of her dolls (she sleeps with quite a few) and took them all out of her room!
Enter the best impression of Linda Blair, minus the pea soup vomit, I have ever seen from a child! We were full on possessed! I am talking speaking in tongues, head twitching side to side, high pitched wales, body contortions that would make Cirque Du Soleil look like amateur hour, rolling, kicking, grabbing, biting, throwing, and finally exhaustion!
When the demon had left her body we were able to talk so she could understand why she was in trouble and why I took her dolls away. She told me it was because she didn’t listen! Whew, that was close! She got it right! I let her pick 2 dolls to take to bed with her but I told her she had to earn the rest back by listening and doing what she is told! She seemed to understand. But we will see how long it lasts!
When I finally put her to bed, with no story, no song, pjs she didn’t want to wear and only 2 dolls she still said she loved me! Once she was in bed I walked into the living room and sobbed! Right on my couch into my husband’s chest! I sobbed because she was so sad and upset when I yelled at her. I sobbed because I was exhausted. I sobbed because I felt like a terrible mother for upsetting her. I sobbed because I have no idea what I am doing. I sobbed because I didn’t cave and stuck to my guns! I sobbed because the weight of the responsibility of raising a human is sometimes too much to take. And I sobbed because after all that she still loved me!
After all those emotions running so high, I ended the night with a huge piece of my Aunt’s pudding pie because sometime you just have to! Being a mother is hands down the hardest job in the world. There are no instructions, no one telling you that you are making the right decisions, you could be completely screwing up and ruining your kid’s life! You are constantly tired, stressed, messy and lost but I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world.
OK world….I had to do it! I just had to! There are many reasons that I could give you. I can get high and mighty or even self deprecating. But the real reason is because I wanted to. That’s it…the only reason…I simply wanted to. For me, myself and I…no one else.
What exactly did I do you ask…
I became a Thirty-One Independent Consultant!! Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “Oh wow big deal! She joined a direct selling company just like so many other moms out there! Whoopee!” Well, I will say you are partly correct. I did join a direct selling company. But not for the reasons that you are thinking. Yes, I will be able to bring in extra money for the luxuries that I desire. Yes, I will get a discount on products that I genuinely love and use on a daily basis. But these are not the reasons why I signed up.
I signed up to be me again. I now technically have 3 jobs. I have my day job working in HR for the Department of Navy, I have my all-the-time-job of Mother to my darling daughter and now I have the fun part-time job as Daria Lee, Thirty-One Independent Consultant. And I love it! Being Mother will always be my favorite job. HR for DON is good job, it pays well, I have great benefits and I like the people. But Thirty-One Independent Consultant has given me back who I am. The outgoing, fun-loving, people person I always was. After I had Fiona I started to just be Mommy or Wife. I lost a little bit of Daria.
Always working to make sure that house was clean, dinner prepared and lunches made I stopped worrying about who I was and what my passions were. Thirty-One has given that back to me. Not only do I get to meet new people constantly but I am running my own business. I am able to show my daughter what it is like to be a leader, and thrive. I have always wanted to run my own business but I have always been too afraid to make the leap. Thirty-One has given me the opportunity to be my own boss, to grow as an individual and lead by example. At first, I joined Thirty-One to make some extra cash when my basement flooded immediately after we finished it, but it has given me so much more than I have ever expected!
So yes, I am a working mother with 2 more jobs but I know that my daughter is learning so much by watching her mother be the person that she was always meant to be…a woman making her dreams a reality!
Since I was a very young girl I always noticed the people that exuded confidence…although I don’t think I knew what that word meant until I was in high school but you get the point. I always envied those people who could walk around with what seemed like not a care in the world. The never cared what people thought of them, the never looked for approval or acceptance. They just did their thing and went about their lives. To have that confidence always amazed me. I have never had that. Sure I may act like I do but those few people that really know me (and now you that are reading this) know that I actually do care what people think. I try to walk around saying, “Whatever! I don’t care what you think! I am my own person and I will live how I want to live!” but deep down I am very concerned with whether or not people actually like me, or agree with me etc. I think that is the main thing that attracted me to my husband. He has that! He has that confidence that I have never had and desperately want. I get embarrassed when I have to make a phone call to ask question about car insurance because I fear sounding like a moron. I get nervous trying to use a coupon in the store because the clerk might say no. My husband does not care about anything. He will try to use 5 coupons that are all expired and then try to convince the clerk to let him use them after she has said no twice. He astounds me that he can do this. He has confidence I could never have. My brother has it too. He has enough self-confidence for 10 people and it baffles me. When he walks into a room he owns it! The whole room knows he is there and that how he likes it!
When I was grade school I was bullied before bullying became the hot topic it is now. I was laughed at, mocked, made fun of, left out of things and so on until 7th grade. I believe all that happened to me has made me a stronger person and taught me to persevere and stand up for myself but it did not help my self confidence. I am still that 4th grader sitting alone at her desk while all the other kids are playing at recess deep down. When I got to high school things were better. I made friends that I connected with easily and we are still extremely close today. My high school experience was not a bad one. In fact it was a wonderful school. I was on the cheer leading squad, managed the baseball team and belonged to numerous clubs. I probably could have been involved in a lot more and been close friends with many more classmates but it was my lack of self-confidence that held me back. My classmates never treated me bad or bullied me but in my head and heart I looked at them as the “popular crowd,” and “out of my reach.” I had a fear that they would not accept me so I never tried. Looking back now I know that I was being silly and I regret never trying. I have recently gotten back on touch with many of them and I am so glad. I have talked with them and learned from them and supported them and they have supported me. I no longer see that imaginary barrier that I created all those years ago.
Self-confidence is a trait that people take for granted. Parents do not realize how important it is to teach this to their children. My mother tried with all her might to teach me to be confident in who I am. Sometimes I fear that I failed her for not being more confident but I do try. If there is one lesson that I can teach my daughter above all else it is this: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt I tell her everyday how wonderful she is and how amazing she is. Though she is barely 7 months old I want her to have the confidence that I never had. Though I am still working on it so I guess there is still time!
Ramblings of an Anxious Mom 