Ok…so have you ever had an object that every time you look at it it reminds of something that you did, whether good or bad? Well, my daughter has this onsie, it one of my nephew’s old outfits that he outgrew that is just adorable. I was putting it on her one day and did not realize that there was a stray string inside the leg. As I was putting her foot inside the leg she started screaming. I had no clue why. That is when I realized that her scream was an “I’m in pain scream.” When I looked I saw that her there was a cut under her toe. Now, every time I look at the onsie I think about that day. Every time I put her in it am paranoid that I am going to hurt her again. I know it was an accident but it makes me wonder if this is a taste of my parenting abilities. I mean all I was doing was dressing her and I hurt her. Any other first time moms feel this way?
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7th Circle of Hell
My daughter is now 5 weeks old. She is the most beautiful and amazing thing that could have ever happened to me. I love her with all of my heart! I am prefacing my post with these statements so that you don’t think I am unhappy about becoming a mother.
When I got pregnant and shared the news with my friends and family I received all kinds of advice, some was unsolicited. People told me how wonderful becoming a mother would be, how my life would change forever, how rewarding and blissful it would be. They also told me that it would be difficult and tiring and that there would be times when I would have no idea what I was doing. So far all of those things are true.
What they didn’t tell me and what many if the books don’t tell you is that the first couple of weeks you are home with your newborn are practically akin to being in the seventh circle of Hell. It is just a miserable time. As a new mom you get sent home from the hospital just in time for your newborn “bundle of joy” to realize that she is no longer snug and warm inside your womb. Just in time for her to start screaming every 1 or 2 to eat or to have a diaper change. In the hospital your baby sleeps almost the entire time you are there it seems. But then you get home and all hell breaks loose. It seems like no one wants to tell you this. Are they afraid that you will suddenly change your mind about having this child? Are they concerned you might freak out? Whatever the reason, no one prepares you for the sleep deprivation, the tears, the stress, the loneliness (yes, loneliness because even though you are home with your baby all day they can’t talk back to you), the weird dreams, the forgetfulness, the confusion. They tell you it will be difficult and different but some details ahead of time would be nice. A little warning so we know what to expect.
As I said, my daughter is now 5 weeks old and she sleeps well at night so I can sleep at night, she eats less frequently and her cries are now distinguishable. I am ecstatic that we decided to have a baby but those first couple of weeks I thought I had made the worst decision of my life. Turns out I did not!
Strong Bonds
Have you ever known a person, or persons, so well that you didn’t need to use complete sentences, thoughts or even ideas to communicate with them? You can just ramble on about any abstract item and it makes complete and total sense to the person to whom you are speaking? Or been in a conversation with several people at once, each of you going on about some random topic and having it all makes sense those of you in conversation but when an “outsider” hears or reads, in the case of text, they have absolutely no idea what is going on? I witnessed this recently with my husband and his friends. It is as if they have their own language that only the few of them can understand. I do not know if it is a “guy” thing or just because they have known each other for so long and have literally been to the other side of world together but it is something that I will never understand.
To be honest, there is a small pang of jealousy that they have this world that belongs only to them. A world that I could never hope to inhabit, try as I might. I am amazed at their bond and love for each other and I think, “I want to be a part of that.” This tremendous world that they live in, whether they are together, talking through text, or playing a video game over the internet, they are all just THERE. They can go months without a call, text or email and when they come back together it is as if they were never apart. Is it wrong that I want to be a part of it?
I sit back to think on that question and the answer hits me like a ton of bricks. YES, it is. The desire to want to be a part of it is not wrong but actually trying to be, is. This is my husband’s space, his world apart from me. He needs to have that. He needs to have that group that he can go to, talk to, hang with that does not include me. After all, we have our own world as well, don’t we? We are married and starting a family. We have a bond in which no one else can take part. It would be like him trying to join in on my “girl’s nights” with my high school girlfriends. We need to have that separate time so that when we come back to each other at the end of the evening, or week if he has flown out to visit the boys, we can share our stories and experiences with each other. Doing so will strengthen our bond as a couple and as people.
I thank the heavens everyday that my husband has people like them in his life. People he can trust no matter what. They will always be there for him when he needs them just as he will always be there for them should they need him. I hope that everyone has a least one person in his or her life like this. And if you don’t, I pray you find one.
Ramblings of an Anxious Mom 