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I just had to do it…

Aug6

OK world….I had to do it! I just had to! There are many reasons that I could give you. I can get high and mighty or even self deprecating. But the real reason is because I wanted to. That’s it…the only reason…I simply wanted to. For me, myself and I…no one else.

What exactly did I do you ask…

I became a Thirty-One Independent Consultant!! Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “Oh wow big deal! She joined a direct selling company just like so many other moms out there! Whoopee!” Well, I will say you are partly correct. I did join a direct selling company. But not for the reasons that you are thinking. Yes, I will be able to bring in extra money for the luxuries that I desire. Yes, I will get a discount on products that I genuinely love and use on a daily basis. But these are not the reasons why I signed up.

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I signed up to be me again. I now technically have 3 jobs. I have my day job working in HR for the Department of Navy, I have my all-the-time-job of Mother to my darling daughter and now I have the fun part-time job as Daria Lee, Thirty-One Independent Consultant. And I love it! Being Mother will always be my favorite job. HR for DON is good job, it pays well, I have great benefits and I like the people. But Thirty-One Independent Consultant has given me back who I am. The outgoing, fun-loving, people person I always was. After I had Fiona I started to just be Mommy or Wife. I lost a little bit of Daria.

Always working to make sure that house was clean, dinner prepared and lunches made I stopped worrying about who I was and what my passions were. Thirty-One has given that back to me. Not only do I get to meet new people constantly but I am running my own business. I am able to show my daughter what it is like to be a leader, and thrive. I have always wanted to run my own business but I have always been too afraid to make the leap. Thirty-One has given me the opportunity to be my own boss, to grow as an individual and lead by example. At first, I joined Thirty-One to make some extra cash when my basement flooded immediately after we finished it, but it has given me so much more than I have ever expected!

So yes, I am a working mother with 2 more jobs but I know that my daughter is learning so much by watching her mother be the person that she was always meant to be…a woman making her dreams a reality!

Self-Confidence Is Not Automatic

May29

Since I was a very young girl I always noticed the people that exuded confidence…although I don’t think I knew what that word meant until I was in high school but you get the point. I always envied those people who could walk around with what seemed like not a care in the world. The never cared what people thought of them, the never looked for approval or acceptance. They just did their thing and went about their lives. To have that confidence always amazed me. I have never had that. Sure I may act like I do but those few people that really know me (and now you that are reading this) know that I actually do care what people think. I try to walk around saying, “Whatever! I don’t care what you think! I am my own person and I will live how I want to live!” but deep down I am very concerned with whether or not people actually like me, or agree with me etc. I think that is the main thing that attracted me to my husband. He has that! He has that confidence that I have never had and desperately want. I get embarrassed when I have to make a phone call to ask question about car insurance because I fear sounding like a moron. I get nervous trying to use a coupon in the store because the clerk might say no. My husband does not care about anything. He will try to use 5 coupons that are all expired and then try to convince the clerk to let him use them after she has said no twice. He astounds me that he can do this. He has confidence I could never have. My brother has it too. He has enough self-confidence for 10 people and it baffles me. When he walks into a room he owns it! The whole room knows he is there and that how he likes it!

When I was grade school I was bullied before bullying became the hot topic it is now. I was laughed at, mocked, made fun of, left out of things and so on until 7th grade. I believe all that happened to me has made me a stronger person and taught me to persevere and stand up for myself but it did not help my self confidence. I am still that 4th grader sitting alone at her desk while all the other kids are playing at recess deep down. When I got to high school things were better. I made friends that I connected with easily and we are still extremely close today. My high school experience was not a bad one. In fact it was a wonderful school. I was on the cheer leading squad, managed the baseball team and belonged to numerous clubs. I probably could have been involved in a lot more and been close friends with many more classmates but it was my lack of self-confidence that held me back. My classmates never treated me bad or bullied me but in my head and heart I looked at them as the “popular crowd,” and “out of my reach.” I had a fear that they would not accept me so I never tried.  Looking back now I know that I was being silly and I regret never trying. I have recently gotten back on touch with many of them and I am so glad. I have talked with them and learned from them and supported them and they have supported me. I no longer see that imaginary barrier that I created all those years ago.

Self-confidence is a trait that people take for granted. Parents do not realize how important it is to teach this to their children. My mother tried with all her might to teach me to be confident in who I am. Sometimes I fear that I failed her for not being more confident but I do try. If there is one lesson that I can teach my daughter above all else it is this: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt  I tell her everyday how wonderful she is and how amazing she is. Though she is barely 7 months old I want her to have the confidence that I never had. Though I am still working on it so I guess there is still time!

Half a year…Gone!

May14

I cannot believe that so much time has passed. It feels like it was only yesterday…it was only yesterday that I did not have a care in the world…only yesterday that I could come and go as I pleased without having to answer to anyone or even worry about anyone else…only yesterday that I could sleep in and get out of bed whenever I felt like it. But it wasn’t only yesterday…it has been 6 months. That is right…it is 6 months since my little love, Fiona, Fiona was born. I cannot believe that has been half a year already. She has gotten so big and developed so much right before my eyes. From the day she was born she took everything in. Her eyes wide at the wonderment of the world. So many times I would look at her and wonder how the world look to her, through her eyes. How did she perceive me? Her father? Her room? A tree? The sun? Things that I see everyday and take for granted that they are there. When I was putting her to bed tonight she looked around the room at each thing and took it all it. She paused as she looked at each item, studying it…the Hello Kitty decals on her wall, the Sailor Moon Box Set on her shelf, the stuffed animals all over. I am blown away every time I watch her learn something new, see something or do something new. It is truly a miracle to witness each of these milestones. Photo

She is so intent on learning different things and keeping up with those around her. Her cousin is 3 months older than her so he is already crawling on all fours, pulling himself up and trying to walk. Well my little daredevil does not want to be left behind, She is already trying to pull herself up to walk…well run I should say. She is going to give me a run for my money when she is finally fully mobile.

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I cannot believe that in 6 short months she has learned so much!

Month 1

She slept nearly 18 hours a day and ate the other 6. At least it felt like it. She held my hand for the first time, though I am pretty sure she did not mean to do it! I cuddled her every minute that I could.She was so little and innocent. She just laid there and she was so adorable you could just eat her up.

So precious!

So precious!

Month 2

She slept a little less and ate a little more. This is the point when it really hit me that I am responsible for her. Me!!!!…and her daddy…but still! I am responsible for the life of another human being!!! WTF was I thinking! This is also when the anxiety and slight postpartum depression hit. But not matter how sad or tired I was she still always smiled at me! Happy to be with me and happy to have me as her mother!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Month 3

This month was not too bad! We had settled into a routine and things were looking up! But then 2015 hit, I went back to work and all hell broke loose! Fi decided that she did not want to sleep or eat or sleep! We also realized that Fi has a slight milk protein allergy and eczema. We had to switch to hypoallergenic formula. The formula pretty much went right through her and she was ALWAYS hungry! It was a rough time and my anxiety went through the roof! I did seek help and am doing great now!

Bishop Eustace Here I Come!

Bishop Eustace Here I Come!

Month 4

By 3.5 months she was eating 30-35 ounces of formula a day! This month we decided to sleep train and start solid foods! We began with baby rice cereal, which she loved, and then moved on to stage 1 baby food. We followed the advice and only gave her 1 new food every 3 days. She had a reaction or two in the beginning but overall she did great! Fi started daycare when she turned 4 months old as well! I love daycare! They put her on a schedule and really helped with the “I want to be held at ALL times” problem! Many people bad mouth daycare but I think it is the best thing EVER! This is also when Fi started to roll over and develop her personality! Rolling to her side and solid food really helped her sleep. But I think it was more the fact that she could sleep on her side. She is not a back sleeper.

Nananana!

Nananana!

Month 5

This is when things really started to get fun! I completed my counselling and was now able to really enjoy my daughter. I hated the fact that I was so anxious and having such issues that I didn’t want to come home from work. But by this point things were looking great! Fi started rolling to her tummy to sleep and this made an even bigger difference. She began sleeping through the night! That was just bliss!

I have my ball!

I have my ball!

Month 6

This is now the month we are currently in and I just can’t believe that my little girl is 6 months old! She is crawling on her belly, sitting by herself, holding her own bottle and already trying to stand up! We are moving her to stage 2 food!

I am a big girl now!

I am a big girl now!

They say to enjoy it when they are little because you blink and they are in college, or getting married, or moving out! It is so true! Half a year is gone and my head is spinning is has gone by so fast!

M.O.M.

Feb8

My dear daughter has reached her 100 days milestone. This is a big deal in the Korean culture (may daughter is half Korean.) Basically, it means she has reached the point where she is considered safe and healthy.

During these 100 days I have a lot of time to think.  One conclusion that I have come with all this thinking
that I have been doing is that the word mom is not short for mother.  I have come to the realization that mom is M.O.M, an acronym for Master Of Most, and GrandM.O.M is Grand Master Of Most.  When it comes to children most things can only be fixed by  M.O.M. My husband and I were trying to get Fiona to sleep. She fights us likes crazy. He has been home with her for the past 3 weeks and has 3 more to go. This means I get to go to bed early and he gets up with her in the middle of night. Just like I did while I was on leave and he was working.  The one night I put Fiona down and she went to sleep.  An hour and a half later she woke up. Dear hubby got up with her and tried so hard to get her back to sleep. Two hours later, a still screaming Fiona had poor hubby at his wits end, hair in hands and all. I got up and let him go to bed. Within 30 minutes I had her calm and sleeping in her rock and play, although her crib would have been ideal. The next morning he came into the living room (I was sleeping on the couch with her in the rock and play) and asked if she was up all night. To which I responded, “Nope!”  He looked at me with sad eyes and said, “Oh, she hates me! I tried so hard!” That is when it hit me. M.O.M is the master of most because only M.O.M can fix most problems. Not that M.O.M is any better than dad.

There are so many times only M.O.M can kiss a boo boo. Only M.O.M can take the pain away. Only M.O.M can quiet the screams. I said to my dear hubby, “she doesn’t hate you. There are just times when only M.O.M will do!

Return to Normal?

Jan25

I have now officially returned to work. My daughter is now 12 weeks old and I spent those 12 weeks out on maternity leave, some paid and some unpaid. I was able to be home with my daughter for her first Halloween (althoughwe were still in the hospital since she was born on 10/30), her first Thanksgiving, her first Christmas and her first New Year’s  Eve. I was home to cuddle with my little one, kiss her toes and snuggle her cheeks. I nursed her in the beginning and then moved her to formula (breastfeeding was not right for us), I changed all of her diapers and gave her baths. I would love to say that I loved every minute of it, but then I would lying. I love MOST of it. I was happy to have that time with her but when my 12 weeks was up I was ready to go back to work. I am a very social person and I am not the type that can be a stay at home. I give so much credit to those that can but I could never do it. I need to be out and about with other adults, dealing with things not related to my children. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter more than anything but I also believe that parents need to have lives that don’t revolve around their children 24/7. Yes, 90% of the time your life should be about your children but you need that 10% to keep you from going crazy.  Going back to work, joining the gym and returning to church are just that for me. They have become the 10% of my time that I get for me. Work allows me to focus on things other than my daughter, to challenge my brain and use it so I don’t become stupid. The gym allows me to decompress after work or after my daughter has been screaming for an hour and won’t nap. Church allows me to reconnect with myself, my faith, my center after the craziness of a week of work, the gym and Fiona.

At first I felt guilty for being ready to go back to work (after only 6 weeks of maternity leave.) People would ask me, “How can you want to leave your baby?” But the thing is, it was not a desire to LEAVE my child, but a desire to return to myself. A desire to return to and finish the things I began before my daughter was born. I want to be able to give my daughter the world but to do that I need to work hard to provide for her and I need to remain calm and sane. I still have my dream of going to grad school and to further my career. Having a daughter has not changed any of those dreams. She has just added to my love and desire for great things. Call me a terrible mother if you want to but I think I am doing just fine.

Honest Body

Jan17

My daughter is now 11 weeks old. She is healthy and happy (most of time lol.) I have been given the clear by my doctor that I am good to go. I can return to my normal life activities. I am healthy and can return to work, the gym and all the other things I did before baby. But what the doctor neglected to tell me was that my body would be completely different. I mean, yes I knew my body would be different but I didn’t think it would like this. I feel something akin to a young adult just after going through puberty, or a preteen going through puberty. My body is doing all different kinds of things now. My period returned and I didn’t think I had that much to lose at one time. Using pads and tampons again is a little strange. It really seems like it is the first time I am ever using them. It’s like I am 13 again. My cramps are in new and exciting places and they are uncomfortable. So so uncomfortable.  I went to gym today and used the treadmill. Didn’t do anything crazy just walking at an incline but my hips and inner thighs are killing me. Like I just learned how to walk.  My back hurts in a way I never thought possible. My memory is shot. If my morning was not set to such a routine I probably wouldn’t remember to brush my teeth. Let’s not even talk about how unrestful my sleep is at night.  My stomach is doing things that I don’t even want to mention but boy is it rough. My stomach medicine isn’t helping anymore. None of these things were on the “Yay Baby” brochure! I wish someone had warned me so I could be prepared. But then when you become a mom you don’t get warned about anything anymore!

Becoming An Adult

Jul26

When you become an adult, especially an adult that is about to have a child, your entire world and prospective on life changes. Any and every decision you make revolves solely around how it will affect your family. Will this job allow me to provide the best life for my family? Does this town have the best school system for my children? Do my friends provide a stable environment for my children to grow up in? And so on. These, and many others, are questions that fly through your mind at an alarming rate. You thought, at 16, that becoming an adult was simple. You only had to worry about things like getting a job. All you are thinking about is being old enough to get a cool car, get into the bar, to not have to listen to your parents anymore, doing what you want. But what we don’t realize, at that very young age, is that those were the best times, the easy times. You only had to worry about your finals, if the boy or girl you like noticed you, making that sports team. When you become an adult and your entire world begins to change you find yourself wishing you were a kid again. You find yourself wishing that you could ask your parents to give you the answers to life’s questions. Sadly, you can’t and you must tough it out as an adult and make the best decision that you can and hope your life experiences will allow you to make the right one. Being an adult is a very scary part of life. You may not realize it now but one day it will punch you in gut and your world will never be the same.