Archives

Joy

Sep3

It is getting harder and harder to find joy! There is a distinct difference…as I am sure you are aware…between happiness and joy! Happiness is the fleeting feeling that comes with the endorphin rush. You buy a new purse, you get a high mark on a test you studied for, you see a movie that leaves you with a positive feeling afterward. Joy runs deeper. It is in your bones. Joy lasts even when happiness has subsided. Joy is what we search for on a daily basis and often times confuse with happiness. There is reason the character in Disney’s “Inside Out” is named “Joy” and not “Happiness.” It was intentional.

When you search the difference between happiness and joy, the Google AI returns this: Happiness is a positive emotion often tied to external events and circumstances, making it temporary and situational. (Look back at the examples above. They are all fleeting moments) Joy is a deeper, more enduring internal states of contentment and deep satisfaction that is less dependent on outward conditions and can persist even during difficult times.

How do you find joy? Do you actively look for it in your everyday life? Or are you confusing those fleeting moments of happiness as joy? It is difficult to discern the two. It is even more difficult to intentionally find the joy in the everyday mundane aspects of life, but believe me they are there. A leaf falling from a tree as it glides slowly to the ground. A sunset bursting with colors that radiate through the sky. The first laugh of a newborn baby. The smell of that first cup of coffee in the morning. All these are examples of things myself and people dear to me find joy in. These experiences hit in a place that it deep seated, almost visceral. There is not always an endorphin rush or synapse firing in the brain. It is just contentment. A peaceful, internal feeling that can be hard to describe to someone who has not found their joy.

For me, I find the most joy in bringing others joy. I am an empath, sometimes I feel I have too much empathy, if there is such a thing. It hurts me physically to see others people in pain, emotional or otherwise. Even if it has nothing to do with me, or if they are a complete stranger. I have a guttural reaction when I see someone that does not have joy in their life, or are suffering in any way. Everyone deserves joy! I cannot stand seeing fake smiles. You know the ones. Where the cheeks aren’t fully puffed up and the corners of the mouth do not quite reach the eyes. If you do not have crows feet and laugh lines when you get old, you did not have enough joy in your life. #sorrynotsorry

My family and I just relocated to Florida in June (See my last blog post from June 27) and it is a transition!!! I work to find the joy in each day, and help my family do the same. However, each day it gets harder. I feel like I have to push harder to help some of them find their joy, while at the same sacrificing my joy.

I have decided to start a YouTube Podcast and TikTok that focuses on finding joy in the every day moments in life. The small things that are right in front of you that may not always see. My hope is that as I help others find their joy, I will find mine again.

Today was hard

Sep9

Today was hard! Like probably the hardest day of parenting I have had so far in 8.5 years of being a parent. Harder than the sleepless nights. Harder than the pain of childbirth. The hardest. Today I had to console a devastated 8.5 year old after she did not get a “call back” for her audition for a play. Now you may not think that is hard. But YOU my dear are sorely mistaken. Seeing your child in tears, completely inconsolable, knowing that there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to make it better, is the hardest thing to deal with as a parent. Now I know that there will be many more times over the course of my child’s life that we will be in this situation. The loss of first love. The pain of a loved one passing. But this was the first time.

This is not her first theater rodeo. She has been doing theater summer camp for 4 years now and has gotten some really great roles. But this was different. This was a new theater company, it was an all ages casting call and she had to prepare a specific song that they chose. In the past she was able to choose any song she wanted. So we practiced. We practiced for weeks! She worked so hard for this audition.

I should disclose that I am tone deaf. I know…shocking…but I am! But husband finally had the guts to tell me. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to sing. I sing in the car, in the shower, around the house, while cooking and cleaning, at shows, pretty much anywhere! But it is true! I am tone deaf, which means I cannot help her with the singing part if we want her to be good. I left her to her own devices. Quite literally, I found the karaoke version of the song and the live version of the song and she was left to figure it out on her own. I wish that I could have done more to help her. But alas, I could not.

Well we auditioned today at 4:15. She went in confident and ready, after a small freak out in the car, but we all need to get those jitters out right??? AFTER the freak out, she went in confident and ready. She sang her song, with only 1 moment of prompting from the director (she is 8 after all) and she came out feeling good about her audition. We waited patiently for her two friends to finish their auditions and then went for ice cream as a group to celebrate what they all just did. Which was a HUGE thing. I do not care who or what, getting up at 8 years to sing along in front of adults in hopes of getting casted is a HUGE thing!! So we celebrate with ice cream! It was a wonderful outing and she loved it.

We came home to watch Newsies, the 1992 film version obviously, and as soon as the movie ended the call back list was up. And her name wasn’t on it. Both her friends’ names were on it, being called back for the role that she wanted. Watching her take the news that she did not get a call back just gutted me. I could see the wheels turning in her head. I could her brain taking in the information. Then her world ended.

I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t say anything. I could only sit there while she processed and cried and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wanted to wrap her up in a hug and curse and bad mouth the people involved. I wanted to cry with her and her she never has to do anything like that ever again. I wanted to hold her and tell her that she can never leave the house again if that is what she wants. All of those things are the wrong answer. I sat there and did my best. I did my best to let her know how proud I am of how hard she worked. I did my best to make her feel loved and supported. I did my best to validate her feelings. I did my best to just be there.

Eventually, she went to her room alone. I gave her space. With her gone, I reached out to the parents of her friends that did get call backs and congratulated them and wished them luck and even gave tips and advice for the call back. After giving her sufficient time to process and be alone, I went to check on her. We sat in mostly silence for the next half hour. We snuggled, she cried, she pulled away, we snuggled again, she pulled away, she cried, she was fine, she snuggled and on and on and on. Until finally she got under her covers and indicated she was ready to sleep.

Grief is exhausting. Whatever you are grieving, it is exhausting. By the end of the night, she was at a point where nothing I said was going to be absorbed. She needed sleep and time to properly process and grieve this situation.

What I need to do now is tread lightly. I need to help her grieve this situation, without her losing her love and passion for theater. If this is truly what she wants she needs to be prepared for disappointment and struggle. It is such a hard lesson to learn at 8.5. And such a hard situation to be in as a parent. But all I can do is be there for her and support her as she processes through this. We never “get over it.” That is not the right way to grieve. When you grieve, you move through “it.” “It” will always be with you, making you better, stronger, different, but “it” will always be a part of who you are. I just hope I am doing my part right. For her sake!

Mom Friends!

Feb25

I came to the realization today that I suck at making mom friends! I am awkward. I stutter. I make stupid jokes. All in the hopes that the mom in the dance class parking lot will engage and want to talk to me. When we were children we were almost forced into some time of friendships because the moms were friends, or we were in school together and the whole class had to be invited to the birthday party. So it was a pseudo friendship. I had quite a few of them. When I speak with the moms of those kids that I played with, I politely ask how their child is doing and tell them to give “Johnny” or “Sally” my best even though I have not seen them for years!!! Because if not, my mother will “South Philly Italian” slap me upside the head.

As we got older we made and kept friendships based on similar interests but still it was easy to start a conversation because you were in the same homeroom or on the same sports team. You had the basic connection of a shared space for a finite period of time. You had to engage with peers and therefore friendships blossomed. And that is amazing!!! Many people keep those friendships into adulthood and that is a blessing. But sadly, for many that doesn’t happen. We grow up, grow apart, move away, go off to college or whatever happens that causes the separation.

Now I find myself struggling to connect with people now that I am a side part combing, skinny jean wearing, cry face emoji using old maid mama. Don’t get me wrong…I love all three of those things! They give me comfort and make me feel safe and secure. And this skinny jean wearing mama can go to the wine store!!!

With all the isolation and separation due to The Rona it is already hard enough to connect with the people we HAVE a relationship with, let alone try to make new connections! I was at the park during the week with my 6yo daughter and she was having the time of her life. While she was playing I overheard a mom say something amazing to her son (I don’t remember what it is now because after 2 kids, a full time job and isolation I have Dory’s memory) but I made a comment in agreement and she engaged! She responded and we started talking. She was laughing and I was laughing…the mom flirting was going great! Because that is what you have to do when you want to make a new mom friend. You have flirt with them. Tell them they’re pretty. That their “eyes are like the see after a storm.” Tell them they’re doing a boss job mommying it. Whatever it takes for them to just engage. So then when I asked if which school her 7 yo son went to, because you know…my kid is 6… her kid is 7…close in age…play date planning in my head…mom flirting…she was trying to get them to play together…then she drops the bomb and my dreams of a new mom friend are shattered…her in-laws live in town, she doesn’t and then she left. I felt like it was just swiped the wrong way on Tinder (I have no idea which direction is good or bad on Tinder because I am a side part mom.)

Now please don’t take this post to mean that I have no friends. That would just be pathetic and only slightly accurate. I have some excellent and wonderfully dear friends. A couple from my childhood, a couple from high school, a couple from college and a few dear friends through work. Other than my “work” friends, many of my other friends and I have differing parenting styles, opposing political views and our lifestyles don’t match (our kids are all different ages and they don’t really play together.) Also, I am new in my town and it would be nice to have 1 or 2 moms that I can talk to about things happening in the school, roll our eyes together at school board meetings or even volunteer together for school field trips (if the apocolypse is ever averted and they have them again.)

All of this is made that much harder with the mask wearing. Disclaimer…I don’t mind wearing masks. I lived in Japan where wearing a mask is not unusual and would wear them often. So please do not take what I am saying to mean I don’t want to wear a mask. I am PRO-MASK. But I think that we can all agree that the wearing of the mask makes it that much harder to connect. What I mean is…I think I am hilarious (I am humble too.) Not George Carlin or Monty Python hilarious but I have been known to get out a few side splitters. But that only works if one can hear my under breath, sarcastic comments. The ones that are made at a volume just loud of enough for the person next to me, “Mom Friend Target” to hear but low enough that person or group that I am being sarcastic about can’t hear. That does not work if I have to yell to be heard through the cloth and elastic and everyone from here to Tennessee can hear me.

The moral of the story is…if you are in the dance school parking lot or on the soccer field and a mom awkwardly tries to engage with you…be kind. More often than not that mom just needs a friend. Not necessarily a Ride or Die Friend…because she probably has one but sadly not nearby…But someone she can talk to at the weekly class/practice and not look like a loser with no friends.